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can’t get away from my mind

ok. so.

i wasn’t sure how much i wanted to share with the blogging community and yet, it seems that journaling to myself isn’t enough. i have been such a private person for so long. i keep many thoughts to myself, how i really feel about people and situations. i don’t even know how to share my deepest thoughts.

is there a trick to it? or does one just bare their soul and hope that people don’t run for cover? how much is too much to share? what do people want to read about? what happens when later on life someone finds these public ramblings or confessions? how do i deal with someone in my ‘real’ life finding this blog and reading it? someone in my ‘real’ life that isn’t welcome to my online life? what is it about online that makes sharing slightly less terrifying? why does the online community seem so much… nicer than my real world? more accepting? or is it simply that i don’t have to look anyone in the face after sharing my heart and soul with them? is it that i can hide my face and not see ‘disappointment’ from across a computer screen like i can see from across a table? or is it that i know not many people traverse my screen and read these?

but at the same time i really want to share my mind with someone. i want to share my thoughts. i don’t want to live alone with my mind. i don’t want to be able to lie to myself and others anymore. but i don’t want to scare someone away.

i just feel so…. lost right now.

flooding


Once again, spring has arrived in the Red River Valley. How do we know this? The flooding hath begun.

We are completely accustomed to the river (The Red River) swelling every spring. But not quite so much as this year. It’s times like these that I love my community, I love my country. Citizens of the Fargo/Moorhead area have really stepped up to the plate sandbagging these past days as well as people from around the country! Sandbagging efforts began on Saturday, March 21 and we’ve been on 24 hour alert ever since. Yes, we have had sandbagging efforts going for 96 consecutive hours. And we’re on alert until Friday. Yes, seven full days to keep this river out of our homes.

The river is expected to crest on Friday. And current estimates are 42 feet. Perhaps maybe some of you remember the great flood of 1997 in Grand Forks? The river crested at 39.7 feet that year. That’s right. The current prediction is 2.3 feet HIGHER than in 97!!! Not good!

But I’m really optimistic about the whole thing. The way my community is pulling together for this, I know that it’s going to be fine. And even if the worst happens, I know that we’ll all pull together and get back on our feet. And if I hadn’t already logged 7 hours today, you better believe that I’d be out sandbagging now instead of blogging. But tomorrow, friends, I will be. Because this is my community, this is my home. I love it here. I promise, Fargo, I’ll be back for you. You are my love!

eating

So. I’ve decided that I need to come up with a system to ensure that I am eating more than once a day. I’m feeling a little ill from eating lunch today at 3:30 pm.

But that’s probably because the last thing I ate was lunch YESTERDAY. And if memory serves, it wasn’t much. A few eggs and a hotdog. Oh yeah, watch out Top Chef! Here I come! And on Tuesday, I had pizza for lunch with my roommate. And some apps from Bennigans, thank you Fawn. And a sandwich on Monday? I think that was it.

So let’s count this up: I have eaten five times in four days.

Does that sound even the slightest bit unhealthy to anyone else?

seminary

So that last post was a little hateful, wasn’t it? Oh well. Needed to get it out.

In other news, I’ve started filling out my online application for seminary. In southern California. Yeah. Crazy.

But the more that I read about it, the more I’m totally excited to go! Minus the whole financial side of it. I need to figure out how a FAFSA works. Yeah, I got an entire degree without ever filling out a FAFSA. But now I’m on my own, so I should qualify for a bunch of aid. I’m hoping. I also emailed admissions again asking about housing and work on campus. Of course, once I started to apply, I found all the information I was looking for. But that’s ok. I really want to go and I really want to do this. Unfortunately, there’s NO way I’ll be able to afford to visit before I attend. Unless I figure out something really cheap and come into some money somewhere along the line. Maybe I could check out the deal on Allegiance Air. I hear that some trips run $29. Or $80. Still. That’s really cheap. Maybe I’ll have to do that. It would be good for me to visit before I really decide anything. This is an expensive decision to make without being really informed. But I tend to do that. I’m not overly analytical about this kind of stuff.

Like apartments. I was out apartment shopping yesterday with my roommate and if it wasn’t for her, I’d probably have settled for a little dumpy place. She’s way more analytical than I am. Whatev, though. Anyway, I digress.

So seminary. The program that I’m looking at is a Master of Arts in Recovery Ministry. Which is something I’ve wanted to do for SO LONG! I wanted to go to seminary before, when I was still with c., but I wanted to wait until he graduated college. I guess I could thank him now for releasing me from my obligation to him. So that I can do this. Horray!

Everything just seems to be falling into place for this. Apartment stuff, social stuff, job stuff. Yep, it’s pretty spectacular. I’m really excited. The thing is, though, I have to find another reference. One of the references I was GOING to use, I can’t because we haven’t known each other long enough. Sad day! He’s the pastor heading up the recovery ministry at my church and so I’ve gotten to know him a bit. Oh well. Speaking of which… I really need to sit down and talk to him about this before I start going too crazy, but I know that I need to get going on it. Fall quarter starts September 28. So I’ve got PLENTY of time. I can really make sure that everything is right and that my essays are wonderful and all the jazz. So yeah! Maybe when I go home for Easter, I’ll talk to my parents about this. Yeah, I haven’t said anything yet to them. I just needed time to process this and look at it on my own before getting bombarded by mom and dad about it. Well… mostly mom. She’s got one of the worst memories ever and she asks me the same questions over and over and over and over. It’s like, really? Are we HONESTLY talking about this AGAIN!? I mean, I love my mom, but still. That gets really old really fast.

Anyway, I digress again. I’m so unbelievably excited about this! I can’t EVEN tell you. HORRAY!