So things are looking up for a change, I think.
I used to have 2 blogs back in the day. They were on xanga, as all my friends were doing and last night I deleted them. I kept the posts. I spent hours last night sorting through them and dating them and organizing them. I certainly don’t want to lose touch with that part of my life because I was so different then. My first one was created pretty much right away in college and it’s funny to see how naive I was about some things, but I was amazed at how deep I got sometimes. I was amazed at how I “got it” but didn’t KNOW that I “got it” at the time. It was nice to reconnect with the me of so long ago, before heartaches took their toll, before I started drinking, before I started doing a lot of things. Back when I thought the world was mostly a good place full of good people and everyone knew right from wrong. It was interesting to see how I fell off that one and picked up my second one.
My second blog was much darker and not many of my real world friends knew about it. This blog was the one that I really got into how I was feeling about things and I watched myself spiral down and down into a state of mind that I’m, frankly, surprised didn’t kill me. This blog also found me a whole new set of blog friends, most of whom had and probably still have eating disorders. I’m not entirely sure how that came to be, but it was what it was. We were all a pretty messed up bunch to be honest and I found that as we all struggled along our paths taking or leaving advice as we saw fit, none of us ever really changed. We had entrenched ourselves in a world that didn’t mind if we changed as long as we were listened to and as long as we didn’t challenege anyone else too much to change. I grew tired of this eventually because I DID want to change, I wanted to get better but this environment wasn’t the place for it and I certainly couldn’t start advertising my changes to this world. They would have cut me out of it anyway.
And now I come to this one. Older, wiser I hope, and a lot more cynical. More critical. And I don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing, to be honest. I think it’s good to look at the world as it really is and not live in a dream land. Though, I long for my long lost naivete. Or at least my long lost innocence. And I somehow wonder if I can work my way back to innocence in a similar manner to how I lost it. Can I believe in this world, in these people again? Can I take my experiences and make my life better having learned from them? Or am I thus stuck sleeping in this bed that I’ve made for myself?
What do you think?