seminary

i submitted my application to seminary this morning.

i think i might throw up if i think about it any more.

wish me luck. ha.

i won’t hear anything for at least four weeks. so as long as i get through today, i’ll be fine.

nothing’s wrong?

I went to see a chiropractor today. I got a free consultation and adjustment for helping to sandbag. So I thought, ‘hey, let’s go see this guy’.

He’s not just any ordinary chiropractor. He’s like…. all over wellness and healing kind of chiro. Which is cool. I’m down.

This, however, meant that I needed to share more about me than just my back pain and my neck pain and headaches. I shared about my depression, shared a very tiny bit about my addictions, which is to say that I told him I had some. We discovered 9 things ‘wrong’ with me.
1. Neck problems
2. Thorasic back stuff
3. Lower back
4. depression
5. fatigue
6. cramps and such
7. tendinitis
8. headaches
9. can’t remember this one. sorry.

But, anyway, 9. And I’m 22. Almost 23. He was shocked that I just deal with it, you know? I learn how to deal with this kind of stuff when it’s always there. It becomes a new normal, it becomes MY new normal. I’ve been dealing with this stuff since high school. It doesn’t ever really go away. It gets better for a while, but that’s it. It’s not like I’m ever cured of it.

And so, as we chatted, I made light of everything. Because that’s what I do. If I was to seriously think about all this stuff, how my back always hurts and I’ve got headaches all the time and I’m tired all the time… I’d be even more depressed than I already am. Don’t need to deal with that. So, make light and deal with it.

He then said to me, ‘if I was just to sit here and chat with you, I would have no idea that you have depression.’

I smiled at him and said ‘I hide it well, don’t I?’

Which made him think that if it’s not completely taking over my life, then it must not be there. Is it really depression then?

Which honestly made me laugh. At him. ‘no, it’s there. trust me. I have just learned how to mask it around strangers. I mean, first time meeting someone, you don’t pull out all your dirty little secrets. Yes, when I’m having a good day, it’s a really good day. When I’m having a really bad day, it’s a really bad day.

Just because I don’t spend bad days curled up in bed, which is what I’d really LIKE to do, doesn’t mean that it’s not there. I have a sense of responsibility. I do what I have to do, but I don’t talk, I don’t joke. I simply get through it, counting down the seconds until I get to go back home and not deal with anything.

Is that really how life is? If it doesn’t take over your life, it’s not a problem? If you’ve learned how to deal with it in a way that you can function with it, it’s not a problem anymore? If you’re no longer completely crippled by something, you’re healed?

say what?

SO. I’ve been tagged to do a RIGHT HERE AND NOW photo. (insert photo here)


There I am with my new guitar. And no, I’m not left handed and I do not own a lefty guitar. My lappy just takes mirror image pictures so all looks backward and stuff. Doesn’t change the fact the the new guitar is super duper cool.

HOWEVER

I thought I had a new set of strings because this poor thing needs it. Bad. No. They’re OLD strings. Who keeps old strings?! Not me for one. Honest. I found them in the case of my old guitar that was given to me as a gift from a friend who didn’t want her electric guitar anymore. Don’t worry. I checked and she was ok with it. So yeah. Major bummer, actually.

AND

The new guitar doesn’t have a case. Who buys a guitar and DOESN’T have a case for it?! I don’t understand these things. so NOW, in ADDITION to paying for stuff I don’t have money for, I need to buy a case for my guitar. Let’s all say it together: lame. sauce.

So yeah. That’s my story. Now. Who would I like to see a RIGHT HERE AND NOW from?

So kids. Comment the link and we’ll all get some enjoyment from this! FUN!

By the way. THANK YOU ALL for the lovely comments on my enormous brain purge. I’m still a little weirded out by sharing that much, but hey. I mess up too. (that was more for my sake than yours) Alright! Go forth and take a fun picture!

a letter to you

Dear Reader,

It’s like my ability to live life on life’s terms is shrinking. I know what I should do, but I just can’t seem to do it. It’s like… I was doing so well for so long and now I’ve tripped and completely fallen flat on my face.

I have been drinking a lot lately. And I’m not quite sure why. No. I know exactly why. But to admit it makes it real. And I don’t want this to be real. I don’t want to feel like recovery group hasn’t been working. And I feel like I’ve been failing at life, failing God. Failing my calling to go to seminary. I have been drinking so much in search of affection. Validation, if you will.

I’ve been in so much pain lately over c that I’m just not sure how to function now that I’m starting to accept that he’s gone. It’s like I suddenly have permission to see who I want when I want to. And so I’ve started to do that. Hanging out, watching movies, drinking. Hoping for something. Anything. Hoping for a hand to reach out to me and take my hand.

Hence why things are so complicated with The Boy. Because with him, I want something more. To me, he’s worth so much more. He’s worth the time and the effort of an actual relationship. With these other couple guys I just wanted to feel desired. Like I was worth desiring.

And there is one in particular that has stepped up to the plate. And of course, he’s married. Because those are the ones I can seem to get.

Let me start at the beginning of Musician. He’s in band with me. And, apparently, the low brass (of which he’s a part) have been eyeing me since my first day of band with them. Which was in January. This I just found out.

We played at NDMEA in Bismarck Monday of sandbagging week. And up until Monday, I was doing very well with everything. I felt good, I was really getting closer to God again, I could really feel him. On the way home from Bismarck, the back of the bus turned into a bar. And I was invited to drink with all these people. And I thought, ‘hey, this is a good way to get to know people and get to drink for free.’ Drinking was definitely part of my motivation. And I got tanked on the bus.

Which then led me to sobering up in The Boy’s dorm. I didn’t trust one of the guys to take me all the way back to my apartment. I didn’t want to inconvenience him. So I sent The Boy a text and he said that it would be fine if I sobered up in his dorm before driving home. And of course we ended up making out. Though it went no farther than that.

So, back to Musician.

Musician found me on facebook. And we’ve been talking for hours pretty much every day since. And we are so much alike. He gets me. And I’ve told him pretty much everything about me.

I also went back to my hometown to see the family for a few days through the crest. I didn’t want to be trapped in my apartment for days, so I went home. And I went out drinking Saturday, seeing old friends from high school, secretly hoping for something to happen. Which nothing did. I ended up drinking every night that I was home since Musician also bought me beer on the Bismarck trip. I don’t drink like that ever. Except at home. Hm.

And then Musician did something that I didn’t see coming at all. He honestly made me feel like I was worth something. Suddenly I became more than ‘that cute flute player’ to him. And he wanted to know me. Know about me. He didn’t want to just drink, make out and go. Because he’s completely in love with his wife. He really is. But he also likes to flirt around and whatnot. And I don’t want to make him out to be some sort of creepo or predator. He’s not. It’s not like that. Really. But we have really bonded over the past couple weeks.

Friday, I ended up hanging out with another guy friend, Motorcycle. Who bought me beer. Because he’s lonely and wants some girl time. And so I went since he was going to buy me beer. Again, nothing happened except that I got a backrub out of the deal. Though he apparently really wanted to make a move. But didn’t. And I just don’t even know what I’m doing. Well. I KNOW what I’m doing, but I feel so powerless to stop myself FROM doing it.

Then everything on Saturday with The Boy coming out of nowhere and being super interested in me. I just didn’t expect that. I was really trying to put him out of my mind. And I was doing pretty well, probably because I had Musician to occupy me. So The Boy and I hung out a bit Sat. afternoon, went to see Monsters vs. Aliens Sat night.

And he asked to call me on Sunday.

He asked.

If he could call me.

I was like… what? Ok, sure.

So then Saturday, I was, again, talking to Musician and suddenly, it seemed, out of nowhere, he starts telling me how awesome and amazing I am. And how he thinks that he’s starting to be attracted to me. And that he never wanted to be alone in a room with me. And we started having this really deep conversation basically talking about the ramifications of this… relationship that we have going on. Because now our hanging out must have stipulations and very strict boundaries.

And then The Boy texts me. Asking about ‘us’. Implying that there is an us. Implying that he wants something more. And so I’m trying to deal with two different guys and their feelings about me and whatever relationships we have going on. Even though The Boy likes to hang out once, not talk for an eternity, and repeat.

So, of course, this is all on my mind as I go to church on Sunday. And Pastor’s message really touched my heart. It really did. Because I’ve seriously been trying to figure out if seminary is what I’m supposed to be doing.

Though something occurs to me right now. If seminary ISN’T what I am supposed to do, why am I being so attacked by satan? Why is he throwing all of my biggest stumbling blocks at me at the same time? Why is there suddenly so much temptation in my life?

Though, Sunday night. This pattern just continues. I ended up having another guy friend over to watch movies. And he brought wine. More alcohol. More chances for something to happen. And we watched the movies, but, again, nothing happened.

Wow I am realizing right now that God has been working overtime saving my bum from myself these past few weeks. I didn’t see that until just now either.

Then there was band on Monday. The first time I’d actually SEEN Musician since NDMEA. And then, we went out after band on Monday. For drinks. Of course. I went into it planning to only have one. Because I know that I’m already attracted to Musician. I don’t need to tempt fate more. Well. Having one was a nice idea, but I ended up having three. So, tanked again. This time, it’s only Musician and I left. Which means that he has to take me home. Which means that we’d be alone with each other. After drinking. Which could potentially be a problem.

So he takes me home. And my plan was to just dash out of his truck, so as not to tempt us. But then he said something to me. I don’t even know what it was, but it was a long enough delay that my plan was foiled. I ended up kissing him on the cheek, to thank him for taking me home and then I bolted. Because we both wanted way more than that.

And I’m just way past the point of confusion. And disappointment. I’m disappointed in myself. I’m disappointed that I can’t allow myself to be content, satisfied with God. That I have to continually search somewhere else for something that only God can give me.

I’m just so tired of fighting this all the time. I’m tired of being bombarded by temptation. I’m tired of not feeling like I have someone to turn to. I’m tired of being ashamed. I’m tired of hiding.

Thanks, Reader. Really. This all sounds like drama to me, but I know that if I don’t share it, things will just continue how they are and they won’t get better. Because secrets are walls that keep us alone. And keep us in the hole that we’re trying to get out of.

With all the love I have left,
Cari

oh boy

So. I’m officially scared out of my mind.

I’ve been looking at financial stuff for seminary. And the reality of me not having any money. And not working much. And school being expensive. And leaving everyone behind. And going on my own to the ONE city I NEVER wanted to live in. Oh my goodness.

I’m sure I just look terrified too. I’d hate to have someone actually look at my face. They’d probably ask me if I’m ok. If I’m going to throw up.

My heart is pounding and I’m really tense. Nervous, scared, excited. All in one. I think it’s time to end this seminary session for the day and think about it later. Like. Tomorrow. When I’m babysitting my sister’s kids.

I’m really excited about this, but the reality is TERRIFYING!!!!

just one of those days…

“Bad Day”

Had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note and said “I’m sorry, I had a bad day again.
She spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace.
Smeared the lipstick on her face.
Slammed the door and said “I’m sorry, I had a bad day again.”

And she swears there’s nothing wrong
I hear her playing that same old song
She puts me off and puts me on

And had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note that said, “I’m sorry, I had a bad day again.”

I’m at the point where I’m still trying to find my blogging voice. Trying to figure out what to share, what to keep to myself. The biggest problem I’m having with that is that I don’t have just a bad day. I have bad weeks. And I don’t want to be putting up depressing posts all the time. At the same time, I can’t just feign a happy post, either.

I know that this is about being real and honest and being me. Writing for me. But even when I look back, I don’t want to be seeing a bunch of depressing posts.

But, then again, if I’m being honest, it’s not even about this blog. About my words. It’s about me. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to wish that things were different. I don’t want to have to fight against my own head so much.

I know that it’s just a part of life. It just seems to be such a large part of mine. Almost abnormally large. And maybe I’m just being a drama queen about things. Maybe I’m far more affected by my break up than I’m letting on. Than I’m even letting myself know. Maybe I’m just stuffing and hiding so many emotions and so much pain that it just has to let itself out somehow and this is how it’s choosing to do so. This is the way I’m allowing it to come out.

I’d honestly never really taken blogging too seriously before. As previously stated, this is my third blog. I think that my other two never really made it anywhere because a) real life people had access to it which b) made me very cautious about what I wrote. I didn’t want just everyone knowing certain things about me. I didn’t want anyone to worry. I wasn’t worth anyone worrying about. I didn’t want people asking me questions. I didn’t want to have to try to explain myself to someone who would never understand.

Because I an addiction. And it’s the hardest thing to explain to someone who has never had one. They can never understand that… overwhelming pull toward something. They can never understand how almost impossible it is to resist. And I didn’t want them looking down on me. I didn’t want them changing how they interacted with me based on this knowledge. I didn’t want people searching for evidence.

I guess that, while wanting someone to know, to care, I didn’t want anyone knowing what I struggle with. I know that everyone has struggles, I just didn’t want MINE out there.

So anyway, now I have this blog. I think that there are two, very carefully selected, real-life people who read this. One (C, not to be confused with c the ex) pretty much knows everything anyway, but the other one (L) knows surprisingly little about me. I knew that if I was going to blog and internet stalk C, there was no way that my blog would be kept from her. And I’ve been talking to L much more lately and I’m honestly not sure what warranted him to be so special, but I guess he is. It also helps that each person is states away. It’s not like I have to look either of them in the face after a post.

I guess that life just gets the best of me sometimes. I’m not sure how to pull myself out of this feeling. I’ve never quite figured that out. Even though I’ve been dealing with this for years. I still don’t have a handle on it. Though I suppose it would help if I did talk about it more.

But think about it, who wants to hear about the same thing day after day? No one. I’m not going to do that to someone. So I guess that there are just so many things happening in my brain and I’m not sure what to do with them. So for now, they stay. They will rattle around up there until I find a way to let them out.