It’s like my ability to live life on life’s terms is shrinking. I know what I should do, but I just can’t seem to do it. It’s like… I was doing so well for so long and now I’ve tripped and completely fallen flat on my face.
I have been drinking a lot lately. And I’m not quite sure why. No. I know exactly why. But to admit it makes it real. And I don’t want this to be real. I don’t want to feel like recovery group hasn’t been working. And I feel like I’ve been failing at life, failing God. Failing my calling to go to seminary. I have been drinking so much in search of affection. Validation, if you will.
I’ve been in so much pain lately over c that I’m just not sure how to function now that I’m starting to accept that he’s gone. It’s like I suddenly have permission to see who I want when I want to. And so I’ve started to do that. Hanging out, watching movies, drinking. Hoping for something. Anything. Hoping for a hand to reach out to me and take my hand.
Hence why things are so complicated with The Boy. Because with him, I want something more. To me, he’s worth so much more. He’s worth the time and the effort of an actual relationship. With these other couple guys I just wanted to feel desired. Like I was worth desiring.
And there is one in particular that has stepped up to the plate. And of course, he’s married. Because those are the ones I can seem to get.
Let me start at the beginning of Musician. He’s in band with me. And, apparently, the low brass (of which he’s a part) have been eyeing me since my first day of band with them. Which was in January. This I just found out.
We played at NDMEA in Bismarck Monday of sandbagging week. And up until Monday, I was doing very well with everything. I felt good, I was really getting closer to God again, I could really feel him. On the way home from Bismarck, the back of the bus turned into a bar. And I was invited to drink with all these people. And I thought, ‘hey, this is a good way to get to know people and get to drink for free.’ Drinking was definitely part of my motivation. And I got tanked on the bus.
Which then led me to sobering up in The Boy’s dorm. I didn’t trust one of the guys to take me all the way back to my apartment. I didn’t want to inconvenience him. So I sent The Boy a text and he said that it would be fine if I sobered up in his dorm before driving home. And of course we ended up making out. Though it went no farther than that.
So, back to Musician.
Musician found me on facebook. And we’ve been talking for hours pretty much every day since. And we are so much alike. He gets me. And I’ve told him pretty much everything about me.
I also went back to my hometown to see the family for a few days through the crest. I didn’t want to be trapped in my apartment for days, so I went home. And I went out drinking Saturday, seeing old friends from high school, secretly hoping for something to happen. Which nothing did. I ended up drinking every night that I was home since Musician also bought me beer on the Bismarck trip. I don’t drink like that ever. Except at home. Hm.
And then Musician did something that I didn’t see coming at all. He honestly made me feel like I was worth something. Suddenly I became more than ‘that cute flute player’ to him. And he wanted to know me. Know about me. He didn’t want to just drink, make out and go. Because he’s completely in love with his wife. He really is. But he also likes to flirt around and whatnot. And I don’t want to make him out to be some sort of creepo or predator. He’s not. It’s not like that. Really. But we have really bonded over the past couple weeks.
Friday, I ended up hanging out with another guy friend, Motorcycle. Who bought me beer. Because he’s lonely and wants some girl time. And so I went since he was going to buy me beer. Again, nothing happened except that I got a backrub out of the deal. Though he apparently really wanted to make a move. But didn’t. And I just don’t even know what I’m doing. Well. I KNOW what I’m doing, but I feel so powerless to stop myself FROM doing it.
Then everything on Saturday with The Boy coming out of nowhere and being super interested in me. I just didn’t expect that. I was really trying to put him out of my mind. And I was doing pretty well, probably because I had Musician to occupy me. So The Boy and I hung out a bit Sat. afternoon, went to see Monsters vs. Aliens Sat night.
And he asked to call me on Sunday.
If he could call me.
I was like… what? Ok, sure.
So then Saturday, I was, again, talking to Musician and suddenly, it seemed, out of nowhere, he starts telling me how awesome and amazing I am. And how he thinks that he’s starting to be attracted to me. And that he never wanted to be alone in a room with me. And we started having this really deep conversation basically talking about the ramifications of this… relationship that we have going on. Because now our hanging out must have stipulations and very strict boundaries.
And then The Boy texts me. Asking about ‘us’. Implying that there is an us. Implying that he wants something more. And so I’m trying to deal with two different guys and their feelings about me and whatever relationships we have going on. Even though The Boy likes to hang out once, not talk for an eternity, and repeat.
So, of course, this is all on my mind as I go to church on Sunday. And Pastor’s message really touched my heart. It really did. Because I’ve seriously been trying to figure out if seminary is what I’m supposed to be doing.
Though something occurs to me right now. If seminary ISN’T what I am supposed to do, why am I being so attacked by satan? Why is he throwing all of my biggest stumbling blocks at me at the same time? Why is there suddenly so much temptation in my life?
Though, Sunday night. This pattern just continues. I ended up having another guy friend over to watch movies. And he brought wine. More alcohol. More chances for something to happen. And we watched the movies, but, again, nothing happened.
Wow I am realizing right now that God has been working overtime saving my bum from myself these past few weeks. I didn’t see that until just now either.
Then there was band on Monday. The first time I’d actually SEEN Musician since NDMEA. And then, we went out after band on Monday. For drinks. Of course. I went into it planning to only have one. Because I know that I’m already attracted to Musician. I don’t need to tempt fate more. Well. Having one was a nice idea, but I ended up having three. So, tanked again. This time, it’s only Musician and I left. Which means that he has to take me home. Which means that we’d be alone with each other. After drinking. Which could potentially be a problem.
So he takes me home. And my plan was to just dash out of his truck, so as not to tempt us. But then he said something to me. I don’t even know what it was, but it was a long enough delay that my plan was foiled. I ended up kissing him on the cheek, to thank him for taking me home and then I bolted. Because we both wanted way more than that.
And I’m just way past the point of confusion. And disappointment. I’m disappointed in myself. I’m disappointed that I can’t allow myself to be content, satisfied with God. That I have to continually search somewhere else for something that only God can give me.
I’m just so tired of fighting this all the time. I’m tired of being bombarded by temptation. I’m tired of not feeling like I have someone to turn to. I’m tired of being ashamed. I’m tired of hiding.
Thanks, Reader. Really. This all sounds like drama to me, but I know that if I don’t share it, things will just continue how they are and they won’t get better. Because secrets are walls that keep us alone. And keep us in the hole that we’re trying to get out of.
With all the love I have left,