nothing’s wrong?

I went to see a chiropractor today. I got a free consultation and adjustment for helping to sandbag. So I thought, ‘hey, let’s go see this guy’.

He’s not just any ordinary chiropractor. He’s like…. all over wellness and healing kind of chiro. Which is cool. I’m down.

This, however, meant that I needed to share more about me than just my back pain and my neck pain and headaches. I shared about my depression, shared a very tiny bit about my addictions, which is to say that I told him I had some. We discovered 9 things ‘wrong’ with me.
1. Neck problems
2. Thorasic back stuff
3. Lower back
4. depression
5. fatigue
6. cramps and such
7. tendinitis
8. headaches
9. can’t remember this one. sorry.

But, anyway, 9. And I’m 22. Almost 23. He was shocked that I just deal with it, you know? I learn how to deal with this kind of stuff when it’s always there. It becomes a new normal, it becomes MY new normal. I’ve been dealing with this stuff since high school. It doesn’t ever really go away. It gets better for a while, but that’s it. It’s not like I’m ever cured of it.

And so, as we chatted, I made light of everything. Because that’s what I do. If I was to seriously think about all this stuff, how my back always hurts and I’ve got headaches all the time and I’m tired all the time… I’d be even more depressed than I already am. Don’t need to deal with that. So, make light and deal with it.

He then said to me, ‘if I was just to sit here and chat with you, I would have no idea that you have depression.’

I smiled at him and said ‘I hide it well, don’t I?’

Which made him think that if it’s not completely taking over my life, then it must not be there. Is it really depression then?

Which honestly made me laugh. At him. ‘no, it’s there. trust me. I have just learned how to mask it around strangers. I mean, first time meeting someone, you don’t pull out all your dirty little secrets. Yes, when I’m having a good day, it’s a really good day. When I’m having a really bad day, it’s a really bad day.

Just because I don’t spend bad days curled up in bed, which is what I’d really LIKE to do, doesn’t mean that it’s not there. I have a sense of responsibility. I do what I have to do, but I don’t talk, I don’t joke. I simply get through it, counting down the seconds until I get to go back home and not deal with anything.

Is that really how life is? If it doesn’t take over your life, it’s not a problem? If you’ve learned how to deal with it in a way that you can function with it, it’s not a problem anymore? If you’re no longer completely crippled by something, you’re healed?

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2 thoughts on “nothing’s wrong?

  1. courtney903 says:

    interesting. i’m no mental health professional but perhaps there is something wrong and “depression” just really isn’t the right word. i’m tempted to go with “bi-polar” but i don’t really know enough about anything to feel comfortable with that suggestion. the truth is that no one’s life is easy but whether or not you give into it, if you’re truly struggling to get through each day, something is wrong, whether you’re good at masking it or not. i’m surprised he didn’t seem to think so.

  2. Kim says:

    It’s still a problem whether it takes over your life or not. Obviously if it takes over your life it’s a bigger problem, but that isn’t a requirement. We all learn to mask our problems. No one wants to put their downfalls on display. I feel you on all of this, for real. Everyone’s normal is different and yours includes a lot of stuff that other people don’t have to deal with.

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