suddenly…

i’ve had a minor epiphany. i don’t think that this going to completely change my life, but it’s certainly snapped me out of my little funk. in talking with Musician (i know… it’s always musician. i guess i don’t really talk to anyone else about this deep stuff), i made a breakthrough. i just hope i bloody remember it this time.

—-

musician said: I just wonder if you would rather be the one being helped than the one doing the helping. California helps you say “one day, I will ask the questions. One day I will be better.” You won’t though. You’ll know the right questions to ask. And you will also know the right answers so that you won’t get better. California, in my prediction is enabling you, or it will. And that scares the hell out of me.

my reply: i don’t need California to give me the right answers. i know them all already. i know the right words to say, the right way to act to make people think i’m getting better. but i want to actually GET better. i don’t want to just have to pretend. so i guess i lied before. i am ready to recover. i am just scared to death of it. it’s a lot of work and i fall a lot. i fail a lot. and it gets me down. that makes it hard to deal with myself. but i am looking too much at the future and not enough at ‘what can i do to get through today?’. i’m asking ‘how do i cram years of recovering into days or weeks? how do i get better now?’ part of me feels like i’m too young to be doing this. i’m too young to need to recover. maybe when i’m older, when i have more problems. but there is no later. later will never come. it will be like that diet that always starts tomorrow. and so yeah, i need to grow up and deal with this.

(the epiphany) i guess i just needed a bit of perspective. pull my head out of my ass for minute and look around. not be so afraid of everyone. not be so terrified of someone walking away. look and see that people DO want to help. they DO care. not because they have to, because they want to. but i guess that’s all part of growing up right?

—-

i’ve been so terrified of people and what they might think and what they might do and all that stuff that i forgot to look, really look, at the people around me and see that they weren’t what i was afraid they were going to be. i was projecting my fears onto them, making those fears a reality that doesn’t exist, creating a world in which i fail and in which no one cares. but that’s not true. there are SO many people in my life, who if i asked in earnest, would drop their whole lives for me. who would do everything in their power to help me, even to fix what’s broken. if i ever asked.

that’s another major problem. i never ask. i don’t want to bother someone. i don’t want to be dramatic. i don’t want to be melodramatic. or any other kind of dramatic. i don’t want to spill my life onto other people’s already busy and crazy and stressful lives. i’ve always felt, ‘how selfish of me to do that. how dare i bother them with the insignificance of my life.’ you see what i’m saying?

but it’s not insignificant to some people. i wasn’t insignificant to c, as i am now. i was the furthest thing from that. i was the most important person in his life and he in mine. and yet i never let him help me. i only ever pushed him away when he tried to help. and the harder he tried, the harder i pushed and the more i closed up. as Musician said, “if it were me I would feel inferior, unappreciated, insignificant. the fact that you have this problem, and want me… the one who is supposed to mean the most to you, to have nothing to do with it, to not help you, to be alienated by you because I want to help you. And fix you.

i don’t know if i ever looked at it that way before. i can’t even imagine how he must have felt, standing by, watching me suffer for 2 years and rarely ever being allowed to help. rarely being allowed to try to fix me. i cannot imagine the torture that he went through watching me. basically living it with me. because he saw the consequences of my addiction. he saw the reality of it. and it hurt him. i never meant it to be that way, i really didn’t. i don’t know if i ever really even thought about it. i don’t know if i ever believed that what i did hurt him. but suddenly, now i do. suddenly, i’m aware of the pain he must have felt, the agony he must have gone through because he loved me. he really did. but i had shut him out of the most painful part of my life. i didn’t want to make him deal with that, but i didn’t realize that it was an impossibility. i didn’t realize that i couldn’t keep that area from him. if i was going to be with him and love him and give him everything, i needed to do that. give him EVERYTHING. even the stuff that sucks. even the hard stuff. i had to allow him in, LET him be able to help me. but i was too afraid of it being too much for him. too afraid of him not being able to handle it. i mean, the boy could hardly get to school and work on time, how could i possibly put this on him.

i can see now how much he wanted to help me because it hurt him so much to see me the way i was. because when i was in pain, so was he. and i see how i wanted nothing to do with that. i see how even though i was trying to protect him from all of that, i was only making things worse. i see how an opportunity to make things better together became the starting place of us dividing and separating and going our own ways. i see now how much he must have loved me at one point. and i missed that before. at the time i felt like an obligation. my disease didn’t allow for anything else. it didn’t allow for another possibility. what he was trying to show as love, i was seeing as being pesky and invasive and inconsiderate of my feelings.

but what was he thinking? was he thinking ‘what kind of man am i that i can’t get her to stop? why am i not enough for her? why can’t she see that i can’t bear to see her in pain like that? why won’t she just let me help her?’

and so much of me wants to email this post to him. just so that he knows. but i can’t. i unfriended him on facebook because it was too painful for me to see him being so happy without me. i did that yesterday. how ironic that i would have this epiphany today.

so i guess this post goes out to c. i think i understand now. and maybe, someday when i’m stronger, i will email this to you. and you will know. and i won’t be so painfully in love with you then. because i think my life is just starting to make sense again without you. what a cavernous hole you’ve left. because you loved me as much as you did. and i loved you back.

“Suddenly” (yeah, go check it out)

She feels lost in her own life
Treading water just to keep from slipping under
And she wonders if she’s where she’s supposed to be
Tired of trying to do it right
Her dreams are just too far away to see how steps she’s making might be taking her to who she’ll be

And suddenly it isn’t what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i’m supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

She feels locked in her own life
Scared of what she might lose
If she moves away from who she was
And she’s afraid of being free
There’s a way she knows is right
And she can’t feel the things she knows and so each step she’s taking
Is a step of faith towards who she’ll be

And suddenly it isn’t what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i’m supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

And here where the night is darkest black
She feels the fear
And the light is farthest back
And through her tears
She can see the dawn
Its coming skies will clear
And the light will find her where she’s always been

And suddenly it isn’t what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i’m supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

if i cried would you lend me your shoulder?

i feel like i just write about the same thing over and over but there’s just nothing else going on in my mind.

honestly, a few weeks ago, i was doing SSSOOOOOO much better. i really was. life was good and whatnot. then all of a sudden BAM! it’s like the breakup suddenly just hit me in the face again. is it that i’m just repressing how i really feel and so when i get stressed and tired it comes out? when i read books, it comes out?

for example: i’m reading the twilight series right now. (yeah, i know. don’t judge.) but as i’m reading, i can only picture edward cullen looking like c. that’s it. c has blonde hair. edward does not. but i still picture him as having it! what. the. bleep. i read another book these past few days called…… how to meet cute boys by somebody or other. if you really care, i’ll let you know the author’s name. the main male character? blonde. naturally, he must look just like c. and it seems that everything in my life right now is reminding me of him. how we used to do this together and go there together. i just want to cry. like all the time. i wish this burning in my chest would go away. the lump in my throat. the ache in my soul.

honestly, i’m driving myself freakin crazy. i know that i need to let this all out, but seriously. i cannot talk about this all the time. i don’t even know how to put what i’m feeling into words. i don’t acknowledge my feelings. like. ever. i just take out my feelings jar and stick ’em in there and let’s get on with it already.

but it seems like my feelings jar is broken and they’re leaking out. everywhere. all over my life. all over my mind. all over everything i do. i don’t know how to deal with this. i really don’t.

how do you survive when the person you loved the most on the whole planet fucking rips your heart out and takes it with him and then refuses to acknowledge your very existence?

i wish i knew how to deal with this in a better, healthier way. i have several ideas on how to deal with this, though none of them are particularly healthy or beneficial.

on the plus side, the bread crusts that i threw out on the patio today have been nibbled on by some sort of woodland creature. that makes me just the slightest bit happier, actually.

the fire

he asked her to come over. he was having a fire.

she didn’t know if she should but her night was so miserable. she was so lonely. she was reminded again of how lonely she is. of how much rejection hurts. of how much she still loved…

and he wanted to see her.

so against everything she knew she should do, she went.

she sat across the fire from him. she was afraid to look at him for more than a moment or so. she knew what would be evident in her own eyes. but moreso, she was afraid of what his eyes would reveal. would they reveal what she thought they might?

she suddenly noticed the stars. she could see so many stars from his house. another way to look at something other than the fire, other than his face, other than his eyes.

she listened to his drunken babble. engaged where she could, but mostly just let him talk.

she swiveled slowly in her chair to face him. her eyes started at his shoes and worked their way to his face. to his beautiful face. he was leaned back in his chair, not looking at her.

‘may i make an observation?’ he asked

‘um. yes.’ i reply

‘you looked beautiful in your picture on facebook today.’

she didn’t dare look into his eyes for more than a second. she smiled in spite of herself. he leaned forward in his chair to look at her. his eyes caught hers and locked them. and then he smiled at her. his beautiful smile.

he abrubtly leaned back.

‘i’d ask to see your whole outfit but i can’t really see you past the fire.’ he was back. the normalcy in his voice. the very maleness that she had come to know.

‘you don’t want to see me,’ she replied.

‘hey now,’ he began.

she continued. ‘you don’t want to see me because i look too good and you’ve had too much to drink.’ and she smiled at him.

he chuckled, knowing she was right.

then all too soon, the night was over. she had to leave. both of them knew she had to leave. she could sense his urgency. reluctantly, she accepted his hug. and walked down his sidewalk. he turned on the outside lights and she turned to look at him. she knew that he wanted to see her.

then she turned and walked to her car. and drove away.

waves

lonliness grabs her wrist and drags her along. she resists his icy grip but she can feel it in her veins. the chill crawls up her arm and into her heart. soon her whole body is cold. she wraps her arms around herself and tries to warm up.

she is ever aware of the black hole that used to hold her emotions. she doesn’t feel sad, only empty.

she thinks about him. he who used to be her life. he who used to love her. he who doesn’t want her anymore. she thinks about the way he used to look at her and smile. smile from his eyes, from his soul. he made her want to live, to breathe, to try.

she remembers the way her life ripped apart when he ended it. she feels the waves of pain rush over her body. wave after wave crashes over her, she tries to keep her head above the surface. she accidentally breathes while under and agony rushes into her lungs. her heart feels like it is going to explode.

she kicks a few times in vain but finally surrenders herself to the darkness. she is too tired to fight it. she feels her body being thrashed around but she is powerless to stop it. she wishes that he would come save her. that he would love her. she wishes that she didn’t feel the pain of this separation anymore.

she can see the shore but she does not fight to get there. she allows more waves to crash over her body. she has no energy left to fight. she has no energy left to swim.

she feels someone’s arm around her, pulling her. she tries to resist but cannot muster enough strength. she allows herself to be taken in by this stranger. he talks to her as he pulls her in, encouraging her to fight, to swim. she kicks her legs a few times but is simply too tired. he carries her along, still encouraging her to fight.

finally, they are at the shore. he lays her on the beach and lets her rest. her whole body aches. all the way down to her core. she is afraid that if she moves, she will fall apart. she has been broken so badly she cannot imagine that she will ever be whole again. she fears for the cracks, wonders what all will come out of them.

the stranger sits by her as she rests. and he talks. he talks about him. he tries to get her to respond. slowly she finds that she is fascinated by this stranger and begins to engage in the conversation. she still is lying there, on the beach, she cannot get up.

soon the tide turns and it is evident that he did not bring her far enough on shore. he tells her to move farther onshore. she still cannot move. she turns her eyes to the incoming sea, willing it to come faster. she turns her eyes back to the stranger and sees his hand extended to her.

she does not want to move her arm. she does not know if it will hold. she is shattered and it is unfair to make the stranger pick up the pieces.

she begins to feel the waves, lapping at her feet. the water is icy cold. she welcomes the sensation this time, willing it to take over her body, to make her numb again.

she looks back at the stranger and cannot bring herself to let him help her. she cannot bring herself to admitting needing help. she knows that the tide will turn again and go back out. she continues to look at his hand, then to his eyes. they plead with her to stand up or at least allow herself to be moved.

slowly, she begins to shake her head. she cannot do it.

‘the hand is there. grab the fucking thing!’ he yells to her. his eyes are desperate, pleading with her. the waves are almost to her torso and she knows that soon she will be under. she does not know for how long or how deep she will be. she only knows that she cannot accept the hand.

she makes her choice.

slowly, cautiously, she picks up her arm and pushes away the hand. he is shocked. confused. but he will not leave. he will not leave her like this.