i was talking with Musician today about my feelings on certain subjects, one being the infamous c. he told me that i should write a letter about my feelings. i won’t publish the letter to c (darn, right? ha) but i will do this one. a letter to someone else in my life.
my dearest —–,
where do i even begin with my feelings about you?
for one, you don’t mean nothing to me. it’s like this. i can’t fall in love with you. i am leaving and you are not. but i’m coming dangerously close to doing so in spite of these things. when i think about leaving, i think about you. i think about how i won’t see you anymore. at least for quite a long time. i think about how we’ll hardly talk online.
and for two, even though you are in the area-ish and we do talk, it’s not like you’re right next to me when we do so. it’s not like your arm is around me, it’s not like you are the one drying my tears.
there are so many things, dear —–, that i love about you. i love that we just get each other. we don’t have to spend time explaining things. i know what you mean and you know what i mean. and that’s the end of it. i love how demanding you are of my time. i love the little things you say about me, just in passing. in the long conversations that we have had, it’s the little things i remember. such as ‘you are beautiful. in every way imaginable’ and ‘someone could fall in love with you and never see your face’. these are the things i remember. i love how open you are with me. i love how patient you are when i don’t get it right away. i love the look in your eyes when we flirt in front of —–. i love your smile.
i have to downplay you and your importance to me for my own sake. if not, i would go crazy. i know that things aren’t going to change. which means that even if i did make that final slide, i could only love you from a distance. because, remember? i can’t fall in love with you.
these are the things that i can’t tell you. and you know why. i don’t have to explain it.