waves

lonliness grabs her wrist and drags her along. she resists his icy grip but she can feel it in her veins. the chill crawls up her arm and into her heart. soon her whole body is cold. she wraps her arms around herself and tries to warm up.

she is ever aware of the black hole that used to hold her emotions. she doesn’t feel sad, only empty.

she thinks about him. he who used to be her life. he who used to love her. he who doesn’t want her anymore. she thinks about the way he used to look at her and smile. smile from his eyes, from his soul. he made her want to live, to breathe, to try.

she remembers the way her life ripped apart when he ended it. she feels the waves of pain rush over her body. wave after wave crashes over her, she tries to keep her head above the surface. she accidentally breathes while under and agony rushes into her lungs. her heart feels like it is going to explode.

she kicks a few times in vain but finally surrenders herself to the darkness. she is too tired to fight it. she feels her body being thrashed around but she is powerless to stop it. she wishes that he would come save her. that he would love her. she wishes that she didn’t feel the pain of this separation anymore.

she can see the shore but she does not fight to get there. she allows more waves to crash over her body. she has no energy left to fight. she has no energy left to swim.

she feels someone’s arm around her, pulling her. she tries to resist but cannot muster enough strength. she allows herself to be taken in by this stranger. he talks to her as he pulls her in, encouraging her to fight, to swim. she kicks her legs a few times but is simply too tired. he carries her along, still encouraging her to fight.

finally, they are at the shore. he lays her on the beach and lets her rest. her whole body aches. all the way down to her core. she is afraid that if she moves, she will fall apart. she has been broken so badly she cannot imagine that she will ever be whole again. she fears for the cracks, wonders what all will come out of them.

the stranger sits by her as she rests. and he talks. he talks about him. he tries to get her to respond. slowly she finds that she is fascinated by this stranger and begins to engage in the conversation. she still is lying there, on the beach, she cannot get up.

soon the tide turns and it is evident that he did not bring her far enough on shore. he tells her to move farther onshore. she still cannot move. she turns her eyes to the incoming sea, willing it to come faster. she turns her eyes back to the stranger and sees his hand extended to her.

she does not want to move her arm. she does not know if it will hold. she is shattered and it is unfair to make the stranger pick up the pieces.

she begins to feel the waves, lapping at her feet. the water is icy cold. she welcomes the sensation this time, willing it to take over her body, to make her numb again.

she looks back at the stranger and cannot bring herself to let him help her. she cannot bring herself to admitting needing help. she knows that the tide will turn again and go back out. she continues to look at his hand, then to his eyes. they plead with her to stand up or at least allow herself to be moved.

slowly, she begins to shake her head. she cannot do it.

‘the hand is there. grab the fucking thing!’ he yells to her. his eyes are desperate, pleading with her. the waves are almost to her torso and she knows that soon she will be under. she does not know for how long or how deep she will be. she only knows that she cannot accept the hand.

she makes her choice.

slowly, cautiously, she picks up her arm and pushes away the hand. he is shocked. confused. but he will not leave. he will not leave her like this.

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