if i cried would you lend me your shoulder?

i feel like i just write about the same thing over and over but there’s just nothing else going on in my mind.

honestly, a few weeks ago, i was doing SSSOOOOOO much better. i really was. life was good and whatnot. then all of a sudden BAM! it’s like the breakup suddenly just hit me in the face again. is it that i’m just repressing how i really feel and so when i get stressed and tired it comes out? when i read books, it comes out?

for example: i’m reading the twilight series right now. (yeah, i know. don’t judge.) but as i’m reading, i can only picture edward cullen looking like c. that’s it. c has blonde hair. edward does not. but i still picture him as having it! what. the. bleep. i read another book these past few days called…… how to meet cute boys by somebody or other. if you really care, i’ll let you know the author’s name. the main male character? blonde. naturally, he must look just like c. and it seems that everything in my life right now is reminding me of him. how we used to do this together and go there together. i just want to cry. like all the time. i wish this burning in my chest would go away. the lump in my throat. the ache in my soul.

honestly, i’m driving myself freakin crazy. i know that i need to let this all out, but seriously. i cannot talk about this all the time. i don’t even know how to put what i’m feeling into words. i don’t acknowledge my feelings. like. ever. i just take out my feelings jar and stick ’em in there and let’s get on with it already.

but it seems like my feelings jar is broken and they’re leaking out. everywhere. all over my life. all over my mind. all over everything i do. i don’t know how to deal with this. i really don’t.

how do you survive when the person you loved the most on the whole planet fucking rips your heart out and takes it with him and then refuses to acknowledge your very existence?

i wish i knew how to deal with this in a better, healthier way. i have several ideas on how to deal with this, though none of them are particularly healthy or beneficial.

on the plus side, the bread crusts that i threw out on the patio today have been nibbled on by some sort of woodland creature. that makes me just the slightest bit happier, actually.

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4 thoughts on “if i cried would you lend me your shoulder?

  1. Tupieta says:

    Awwz *hugz* I’m really sorry about your breakup. Its always hard to find the right words, especially since I dont know anything about your relationship.
    As for me, when it comes to stuff like this, I jus remember that life is all about people coming and going. There are very few spaces for those meant to be in your life forever and sometimes, b/c of our own desires, we try to force them into that mold. Some of the “best” relationships have to come to an end. It may sound cliche but somethings really arent “meant to be”, at least not forever. He had his season, and maybe he ran his course. Just dont feel as if it was all for nothing b/c no encounter in life is. Just take whatever you can learn from it, cherish your happy memories, and move on knowing that in some way, you may have grown. πŸ™‚

  2. courtney903 says:

    this is one of those things i really just don’t know what to say about. of course i’ve been through breakups but i’ve never been with anyone even half as long as you were with c. i have no idea what it means to lose somebody who was in your life like that. it can’t be easy.

    i do know that getting past it and moving on isn’t going to happen over night, and i also know that you’re strong enough to handle it. there’s no “breaking up for dummies” book, although there probably should be (i googled it. ha.) but even so, it’s probably just one of those things in life you have to figure out as you go. it’s not the same for any two people. you have to do what’s right for you.

    do whatever you have to do. if something’s not working, stop and try something else. i don’t know, dearie. that’s all i’ve got for you. but i know you’re strong. i know you’ll make it.

    you have to. there’s no other choice. πŸ™‚

  3. LensFlare says:

    I wish there was something that could be said to get you back up and feeling better, but you know as well as I do those magical words just simply don’t exist in reality. Even with the peripheral support of your friends this will still be a demon that you will have to confront on your own. But things will eventually get better, you will eventually meet new people, eventually C will be a memory from a long ago time and place and not nearly as good as the present.

    That’s the unfortunate thing with life – the good times go by too fast and the down times seem like they will never end and nostalgia brings back only the pleasant memories. Time will heal the wounds – it will just require a good deal of patience.

  4. Kim says:

    “feelings jar is broken” I love that line. LOVE IT.

    I know exactly how you feel. Twlight can’t be helping things. I’d tell you to put it down, but it’s impossible, and I know that.

    Just find something–anything–that makes you feel good and milk it for all its worth right now. And I promise I won’t tell you to take a walk or hang in there. πŸ™‚

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