i feel like i just write about the same thing over and over but there’s just nothing else going on in my mind.
honestly, a few weeks ago, i was doing SSSOOOOOO much better. i really was. life was good and whatnot. then all of a sudden BAM! it’s like the breakup suddenly just hit me in the face again. is it that i’m just repressing how i really feel and so when i get stressed and tired it comes out? when i read books, it comes out?
for example: i’m reading the twilight series right now. (yeah, i know. don’t judge.) but as i’m reading, i can only picture edward cullen looking like c. that’s it. c has blonde hair. edward does not. but i still picture him as having it! what. the. bleep. i read another book these past few days called…… how to meet cute boys by somebody or other. if you really care, i’ll let you know the author’s name. the main male character? blonde. naturally, he must look just like c. and it seems that everything in my life right now is reminding me of him. how we used to do this together and go there together. i just want to cry. like all the time. i wish this burning in my chest would go away. the lump in my throat. the ache in my soul.
honestly, i’m driving myself freakin crazy. i know that i need to let this all out, but seriously. i cannot talk about this all the time. i don’t even know how to put what i’m feeling into words. i don’t acknowledge my feelings. like. ever. i just take out my feelings jar and stick ’em in there and let’s get on with it already.
but it seems like my feelings jar is broken and they’re leaking out. everywhere. all over my life. all over my mind. all over everything i do. i don’t know how to deal with this. i really don’t.
how do you survive when the person you loved the most on the whole planet fucking rips your heart out and takes it with him and then refuses to acknowledge your very existence?
i wish i knew how to deal with this in a better, healthier way. i have several ideas on how to deal with this, though none of them are particularly healthy or beneficial.
on the plus side, the bread crusts that i threw out on the patio today have been nibbled on by some sort of woodland creature. that makes me just the slightest bit happier, actually.