suddenly…

i’ve had a minor epiphany. i don’t think that this going to completely change my life, but it’s certainly snapped me out of my little funk. in talking with Musician (i know… it’s always musician. i guess i don’t really talk to anyone else about this deep stuff), i made a breakthrough. i just hope i bloody remember it this time.

—-

musician said: I just wonder if you would rather be the one being helped than the one doing the helping. California helps you say “one day, I will ask the questions. One day I will be better.” You won’t though. You’ll know the right questions to ask. And you will also know the right answers so that you won’t get better. California, in my prediction is enabling you, or it will. And that scares the hell out of me.

my reply: i don’t need California to give me the right answers. i know them all already. i know the right words to say, the right way to act to make people think i’m getting better. but i want to actually GET better. i don’t want to just have to pretend. so i guess i lied before. i am ready to recover. i am just scared to death of it. it’s a lot of work and i fall a lot. i fail a lot. and it gets me down. that makes it hard to deal with myself. but i am looking too much at the future and not enough at ‘what can i do to get through today?’. i’m asking ‘how do i cram years of recovering into days or weeks? how do i get better now?’ part of me feels like i’m too young to be doing this. i’m too young to need to recover. maybe when i’m older, when i have more problems. but there is no later. later will never come. it will be like that diet that always starts tomorrow. and so yeah, i need to grow up and deal with this.

(the epiphany) i guess i just needed a bit of perspective. pull my head out of my ass for minute and look around. not be so afraid of everyone. not be so terrified of someone walking away. look and see that people DO want to help. they DO care. not because they have to, because they want to. but i guess that’s all part of growing up right?

—-

i’ve been so terrified of people and what they might think and what they might do and all that stuff that i forgot to look, really look, at the people around me and see that they weren’t what i was afraid they were going to be. i was projecting my fears onto them, making those fears a reality that doesn’t exist, creating a world in which i fail and in which no one cares. but that’s not true. there are SO many people in my life, who if i asked in earnest, would drop their whole lives for me. who would do everything in their power to help me, even to fix what’s broken. if i ever asked.

that’s another major problem. i never ask. i don’t want to bother someone. i don’t want to be dramatic. i don’t want to be melodramatic. or any other kind of dramatic. i don’t want to spill my life onto other people’s already busy and crazy and stressful lives. i’ve always felt, ‘how selfish of me to do that. how dare i bother them with the insignificance of my life.’ you see what i’m saying?

but it’s not insignificant to some people. i wasn’t insignificant to c, as i am now. i was the furthest thing from that. i was the most important person in his life and he in mine. and yet i never let him help me. i only ever pushed him away when he tried to help. and the harder he tried, the harder i pushed and the more i closed up. as Musician said, “if it were me I would feel inferior, unappreciated, insignificant. the fact that you have this problem, and want me… the one who is supposed to mean the most to you, to have nothing to do with it, to not help you, to be alienated by you because I want to help you. And fix you.

i don’t know if i ever looked at it that way before. i can’t even imagine how he must have felt, standing by, watching me suffer for 2 years and rarely ever being allowed to help. rarely being allowed to try to fix me. i cannot imagine the torture that he went through watching me. basically living it with me. because he saw the consequences of my addiction. he saw the reality of it. and it hurt him. i never meant it to be that way, i really didn’t. i don’t know if i ever really even thought about it. i don’t know if i ever believed that what i did hurt him. but suddenly, now i do. suddenly, i’m aware of the pain he must have felt, the agony he must have gone through because he loved me. he really did. but i had shut him out of the most painful part of my life. i didn’t want to make him deal with that, but i didn’t realize that it was an impossibility. i didn’t realize that i couldn’t keep that area from him. if i was going to be with him and love him and give him everything, i needed to do that. give him EVERYTHING. even the stuff that sucks. even the hard stuff. i had to allow him in, LET him be able to help me. but i was too afraid of it being too much for him. too afraid of him not being able to handle it. i mean, the boy could hardly get to school and work on time, how could i possibly put this on him.

i can see now how much he wanted to help me because it hurt him so much to see me the way i was. because when i was in pain, so was he. and i see how i wanted nothing to do with that. i see how even though i was trying to protect him from all of that, i was only making things worse. i see how an opportunity to make things better together became the starting place of us dividing and separating and going our own ways. i see now how much he must have loved me at one point. and i missed that before. at the time i felt like an obligation. my disease didn’t allow for anything else. it didn’t allow for another possibility. what he was trying to show as love, i was seeing as being pesky and invasive and inconsiderate of my feelings.

but what was he thinking? was he thinking ‘what kind of man am i that i can’t get her to stop? why am i not enough for her? why can’t she see that i can’t bear to see her in pain like that? why won’t she just let me help her?’

and so much of me wants to email this post to him. just so that he knows. but i can’t. i unfriended him on facebook because it was too painful for me to see him being so happy without me. i did that yesterday. how ironic that i would have this epiphany today.

so i guess this post goes out to c. i think i understand now. and maybe, someday when i’m stronger, i will email this to you. and you will know. and i won’t be so painfully in love with you then. because i think my life is just starting to make sense again without you. what a cavernous hole you’ve left. because you loved me as much as you did. and i loved you back.

“Suddenly” (yeah, go check it out)

She feels lost in her own life
Treading water just to keep from slipping under
And she wonders if she’s where she’s supposed to be
Tired of trying to do it right
Her dreams are just too far away to see how steps she’s making might be taking her to who she’ll be

And suddenly it isn’t what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i’m supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

She feels locked in her own life
Scared of what she might lose
If she moves away from who she was
And she’s afraid of being free
There’s a way she knows is right
And she can’t feel the things she knows and so each step she’s taking
Is a step of faith towards who she’ll be

And suddenly it isn’t what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i’m supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

And here where the night is darkest black
She feels the fear
And the light is farthest back
And through her tears
She can see the dawn
Its coming skies will clear
And the light will find her where she’s always been

And suddenly it isn’t what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i’m supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

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4 thoughts on “suddenly…

  1. courtney903 says:

    even though for different reasons, you and i have both been funkin’ out this week.

    i got some much needed perspective too.
    weird how easy it is for some people to know us so well when we give them so little to work with, isn’t it?

    i love you dearie. i’m glad you’re snappin’ out of it, a little 🙂 and hearing your beautiful voice today was a lovely and welcome surprise 🙂

  2. LensFlare says:

    Wow, amazing. I’m glad you had an epiphany, and it sounds like a pretty deep one.

    Hope you have a better week this week and a great day tomorrow!

  3. nicopolitan says:

    Posts like this remind me why I read other peoples’ blogs.

    Cari, I’m going to offer you 2 things that I know you will definitely understand since you’re a musician:

    The Rock Star Tenet : Wouldn’t it be great if you could convince everyone that you’re a rock star? It’s possible! Be that as it may, the first step is the most difficult, because the first and most important person you must convince you are a rock star is yourself. Only after that can everyone else have an easy time believing it. And because I believe people are fundamentally good, we all want to believe our peers are rock stars. So the stage is set. You just have to make the first move.

    Demons In Glass Jars : A lot of people like to tell us that time will heal us, that we’ll get better, that we will lift ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and climb higher than we were before. Bullshit, I say! Let us keep the demons, let us be brought down by demons, let us allow demons to eat away at us — and then let us acknowledge the demons, let us pour our hearts over music and force the demons to dance, and when the music is over, let us place the demons in glass jars to be stored for another time and place. Because we control the demons. Only we can let them tear us down.

    Godspeed, fellow musician.

  4. ashley says:

    The MOST IMPORTANT thing to remember is people CANNOT fix you. That is God’s job. ONLY God’s job. You getting better will not happen in a day. I was depressed about a year ago. I am now officially out of that depression! But it definitely took a good year and epiphanies along the way.

    And it took turning to God with my sorrows. And when you do that, the pain gets lifted off. Only in small doses at first, but one day, you’ll realize that you can breathe so much easier, and that God has warmed your heart because you’ve let him.

    So, let him.

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