too much too fast…

so i had an amazing weekend and i promise i’ll do a post about it and give you all pictures and stuff. promise.

but right now, of course, i need to work through a little of this and a little of that.

i went technology free all weekend. or social media free. whatever. my phone was off. my lappy was on my bed. i had no way to connect with anyone but who i was with. face to face. and i loved it. i was in a small town. 200 people. we walked pretty much everywhere. we took a tour of the town. now don’t get me wrong, at times it was weird to not be checking my cell for a new message. but that was only at the end of the night. and i went to bed and didn’t worry about it.

i miss the days where i lived in a place where everyone knew everyone. you waved when you passed someone. you could walk anywhere in town because that’s the kind of place it was. where you let your kids out to run and play and don’t worry because chances are that there are 16 or 17 people watching them for you. a place where you don’t have to lock your car. heck, you don’t even have to lock your house. because it’s safe. because everyone will know in 5 minutes who did it anyway.

i miss not being stressed out. i miss not having to keep up. because when i finally reconnected with technology, i had 12 texts, 20 or so emails, 20 items in google reader, facebook messages and wall posts, not to mention twitter updates, and i suddenly was completely overwhelmed. i want to be connected with these people. but it’s so much work sometimes. it’s stressful keeping up with all these kinda of media even though i enjoy it. part of me was really glad that most of my blogs we talking about MJ and i don’t really care, so i just skipped over them.

and then, there’s the “convenience” of online bill pay. no more stamps, nothing. except when it doesn’t work and the electric company didn’t get your payment. what the eff? so then i had to spend all morning figuring that out, but first wanted to see how much money was in the bank. and staring back at me from my screen was a goose egg for savings. really? where did all my money go? i have enough to pay rent in two days. but that’s it. i have a car insurance payment due 10 days after that, but how in the world am i going to pay that? i don’t have the money for it. anywhere. and i just got paid a few days ago. so no check for 2 more weeks. what the heck am i supposed to do?

i tried something and i’m going to make an attempt to keep doing this until the panic subsides completely. i’ve been trying this new thing lately and that’s been completely trusting God. with everything. trusting Him to take care of me and it’s worked. it really has. so before i started in on the money matters, i read my morning devo from ‘My Utmost for His Highest’ and then i prayed. it wasn’t long because i was freaking out, but it was an attempt to get me centered again. to get me back to the place that i need to be. yes, i did some very careless spending over this past month and a half. it wasn’t a bunch of big ticket items, but a bunch of little ones that finally added up. and as i obsess over this for the next few days, i’m going to really try to let go. to give this mess up because if i’m going to be the person of faith that i claim to be, that others (hopefully) see me to be, i need to be developing faith all the time. i need to be willing to put my life on hold, what i want on hold and do what God wants me to do.

even if it’s just to be still.

to not try to fix it by myself because i’m the one that got me into this mess. how in the world could i get myself out. any mess i’ve ever been in, which have been quite a few, it’s been God that got me out. not me. not someone else. because i was willing to listen. i was willing to step back and let Him take over. so i guess there will be a lot of being still over the next few days. and i think that i’m ok with that.

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disappointed…

so i really thought that i was going to get something in the mail today from fuller, the seminary i applied to. but no. nothing today. (doesn’t mean i won’t check the mail again before i leave for the weekend).

yeah. so i have to wait until SUNDAY to find out what they wanted to send me. it was sent on wednesday. and i honestly don’t know what time the mail gets here so i can’t even tell you for certain that it was today’s mail in there. the roommate usually gets the mail. which is why i sat at mcdonald’s for an hour waiting for his key. yeah.

so. up side: no rejection. down side: have to wait to see what they wanted.

but i’ll be off in small town ND this weekend visiting one of my greatest friends EVER, she’s so cool. and just overall having a really great time. i’m super excited. just wish that i’d had some good news to go on top of that. i’ll live. i promise.

a kindred spirit…

so i love blogging. i really do. because where else am i going to find someone who is so much like me? someone who knows what i’m talking about and catches the nuances and the unspoken things. someone who can read between the lines in a way that only someone who’s been there can. someone who can read my words as her own.

and then i go to her blog and it’s the same thing. i see my dorkiness, my craziness. i read her words and i feel as though she has pulled them from my own brain. i understand the flow of her blogs even though she sometimes thinks that she rambles incoherently. i read through things from her past and i see myself. i read her thoughts now and i see where i want to be.

i’ve truly found a kindred spirit in this crazy world of bloggers. and as i thought and thought, i don’t even remember how i found her blog. i really don’t. but i do remember wanting to come back. i remember hardly being able to wait for her next post.

i think the thing that finally sealed the deal was when i found out that she was a writer. like myself. and i had a little sum’sum’ i was working on and i needed an opinion, some advice on it. so i took at HUGE leap and i emailed it to her. hoping that it wouldn’t be weird that i was emailing her out of the blue.

and she was THRILLED!!!

and we’ve really been getting to know each other and i’m loving it. we think the same way, we say the same things. i don’t know if i’ve ever known someone so much like me. thankfully she’s half the country away so i never get to see her. though, should i get into seminary and move to pasadena, you better believe i’d make the trip to santa barbara to see my dear tabitha.

she’s such a sweetie and definitely the coolest person i’ve met blogging.

so here’s to finding a kindred spirit. *clink!*

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epic (?) fail…

my brain is reeling a little bit.

i drank WAY too much last night. i INTENTIONALLY drank way to much last night. (i also feel like an alcoholic saying that but really, i’m not. not even close.)

so, why, you ask, did i decide to get completely blitzed?

i’m so glad you asked.

because, apparently, there simply isn’t enough drama in my life. or something of the sort. i’ve come to realize over the course of the past few months or so that i unintentionally lead one of the most drama filled lives ever. i really don’t try. and i really, in fact, hate drama. i try to curb it, beat it, kick in the face before slamming the door on it, run away from it, what have you. but the dumb thing always comes back. and WITH A VENGEANCE! it gets mad when i ignore it and makes sure that i know that it’s mad.

enter… the boy. always a boy. we’ll call this one……… Robert the Bruce.

so over the past few months, the Bruce and i have been hanging out weekly. with other people. socializing because of a common interest. common interest being band. this past month and a half, i think, it’s just been the three of us still getting together every monday night. Musician, the Bruce and i. and over the past few weeks, for various reasons, Musician hasn’t been able to come out or we have fires at his house. honestly, i prefer the fires, though it was a tad bit warm last night for one, but that’s beside the point.

the point is, the Bruce is interested in me. and really, i’m not surprised. (trust me, i’m not trying to be conceited. this is just simply how my life works. if they’re interested in me, i’m not in them and vice versa. welcome to my life.)

over the past two weeks, it’s just been the Bruce and i, getting together for drinks and whatnot. just keeping with mondays is what i was doing, and yes, he’s a lot of fun to hang out with if you can get past the complete nerdiness and obsession with the renaissance. which, i can, because i’m not interested in him. just friends.

oh yeah, also. this piece of information is, in fact, important to know and with a bemused smile on my face, i share this. the Bruce and Musician have a very interesting… friendship. Musician, who’s quite a selfish person, doesn’t particularly care for the Bruce. more of a tolerance, it seems. the Bruce doesn’t seem to particularly care for Musician. the selfishness thing gets in the way. yes. two people who don’t REALLY seem to like each other hang out weekly.

enter me.

it seems that i’m the glue that binds this little friendship group. because i enjoy the company of both of them for the most part. and i don’t let the fact that i’m simply a pretty pawn in this testosterone driven game bother me. i talk to Musician online frequently and hang out with the Bruce at least once a week. and they both feel like they’re getting the better of the other person, like, they’re winning somehow because i’m spending time with one and not the other. i know, what are we, 12?

then there’s last night. when i purchased my beverage for the evening, i had no intention of drinking all 6. i really didn’t. i was going to have 2 and call it good. but for whatever reason, last night there was so much testosterone in the air, i was choking. seriously. it was crazy.

so i was letting them talk about whatever and i was simply looking at the stars. yeah. Musician lives out on the edge of town and there are STARS out there. finally one of them notices that i’m looking at the stars. and they start trying to point out constellations and whatnot. how, i’m one of the dumbest people out there when it comes to stars. i really am. so, now on my third, i think i lay down in the grass. the wet grass. to look to see what the heck they’re talking about. taunting one of them to come lay by me, because as long as there was so much testosterone, i might as well get a little enjoyment out of a little competition. ha. i’m terrible, i know, but if you were there, you’d be doing the SAME. THING. trust me.

and the Bruce was like… RIGHT there. it was fun looking at stars, actually. i enjoyed myself. even with the Bruce getting all star gazing cuddly with me. you know, laying his head on my shoulder and whatnot. yeah, it was kinda cute, i guess. so, somewhere in the course of all of this, i have all six of my beverage of choice. yes, obviously it wasn’t beer because this girl can’t drink 6 beers that fast. i finally decided to stop star gazing because i’m wet, i’m getting cold and i want to be by the fire again. that’s probably where i finished the six, actually. and there was some comment made about how the Bruce was simply waiting to be able to take me to his place to get laid. and yes, this is common banter for them. and no, it doesn’t really offend me. if you knew them, you’d understand. i made some comment about how i hadn’t had enough to drink yet for that to happen. truth is, i’m not sure that i’d EVER have enough to drink for that to happen.

enter drink #7. yes. the Bruce and Musician force the Bruce’s last drink on me. and i was getting fairly tanked by then. so i took it. and went to hang out on the newly constructed swing set in Musician’s yard. because i wanted to. because i needed to get away a little bit. and the longer i was there, the more i could feel the alcohol start to affect me. so by the time Musician kicked us out at 2 am, i had a pretty good buzz going. the Bruce drove me there, which is probably part of the reason i drank too much. because i didn’t have to drive. not a mistake i will make again, rest assured.

so the Bruce escorted me to his truck as i was a tad, really, only a tad, unstable on my feet. and we get to it and the Bruce makes his move. i was taken by surprise actually. i didn’t expect that from him. i had just been talking with a girlfriend of mine yesterday about confidence and all sorts of really deep stuff and the Bruce made a comment about not having any confidence. so i said, ‘well maybe you should get some’ and that’s when he went in for the kill. now, first and foremost, he. is. a. bad. kisser. too eager. but i was too buzzed to really do anything about it except simply respond. and then he suggested going back to his place (don’t even judge me) and i was like whatever. i’ve had a lot to drink and i’m not really sure where this all came from and blah blah blah. anyone who’s ever done anything stupid knows how this happens. on the ride to his house, he makes a comment that he’s been waiting years to do that. and i’m just drunk enough to pry. ‘years, eh?’ when really, i’m thinking “YEARS?!?!?! wtf?!” yeah. this kid (who’s actually like 5 years older than me) has been crushing on me for at least 3 years. i’m not really sure how i feel about that. yeah. moving on…

so we get to his place and i have to PEE. like, REALLY bad. now at some point as i’m in the bathroom, i realize where this is going. and i’m not really sure if i want to. but i’m not really sure if i want to humiliate the poor boy, either, given his prior confession to me. so i get back out there, stand for a while because i realize that i really don’t want to do this, but i sit down on the couch anyway. kind of a resigned to your fate sort of thing. i could have quelled it out at Musician’s but i didn’t. so he dives right back in.

and the only person that i can think about is c.

ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?!

yeah. for whatever reason, i felt like i was cheating on him. where does this come from? because, i swear, i don’t want to be with him. i’m not lying when i say i’m over him. i’m not. but last night, there he was, forefront of my mind.

‘i can’t do this’

i gave the Bruce no explanation. just that i couldn’t do this. i wasn’t ready. and he starts talking about how he’s content just holding me in his arms and if nothing else we have the summer and yadda yadda yadda. oh boy. what have i done? what did i just encourage here? not good. so we fell asleep, or passed out, (whatever. technicality) on his couch.

and at 6 am, i woke up. wide awake. and the first thing in my mind is ‘where am i and what am i doing here?’ and i sat straight up. the Bruce is like ‘what what?’

‘i need to pee’ yeah. always my excuse. but it’s a good one, it works. and after that, the awkward drive home. but at least i could pretend to be tired. because i still kinda was, just not as tired as i was making myself out to be. i mean, seriously. what was i thinking last night? oh that’s right, i wasn’t.

sorry. this got really long but i just needed to work through this and share yet another one of my escapades with you all. because i’m awesome like that. ha.

oh yeah, i did send the Bruce a little note saying that i can’t do this. i don’t do summer flings. i’m, obviously, not ready for something. and of course, the kiss of death: you’re a great guy, fun to hang out with…. yeah. i know. that’s low. it really is. but i can’t have the Bruce thinking that something might actually happen. kill it now, i say. kill it now.

so, anyone else have a fabulous monday night?

being the bigger person…

i have a wedding the first weekend of august. my friend. who is friends with c. you remember him?

anyway. he’s going to be there. and this will be the first time i’ve seen him since we’ve broken up. i’m still not really sure how i feel about seeing him again. i think it could be really hard. or it could be really easy. i’m not sure.

originally, i really wanted to do something major for it. lose a bunch of weight, buy a new really hot dress and find some perfect guy to take me. you know, the make him jealous thing.

but i thought about it after he called me. yeah. he called me. we talked. he apologized for stuff. i apologized for stuff. and i realized something HUGE.

I DON’T WANT HIM ANYMORE.

nope. i’m over him. and now, this idea just seems ridiculous to me. because when i was going to do that whole… thing… it would say only one thing. i’m still crazy in love with him and i want him back SO much. it just screams pathetic.

and i’ve also realized something else.

i don’t NEED to flaunt that i know what he’s missing. i KNOW that i’m worth it. and i don’t need to stoop to that level. i’m happy without him.

i went out for ice cream with another friend. and when i told him about this wedding, he basically told me to do what my original plan was. and as i listened to him say it, it just sounded stupid an immature.

so i’m going to be the bigger person. i’m going to go as is. just myself. my beautiful, worth it self, with a date or without, and i’m going to enjoy myself. and i’m not going to worry about the person who broke my heart. i’m not going to let him continue hurting me.

so here’s to being the bigger person. care to have a toast with me?