my brain is reeling a little bit.
i drank WAY too much last night. i INTENTIONALLY drank way to much last night. (i also feel like an alcoholic saying that but really, i’m not. not even close.)
so, why, you ask, did i decide to get completely blitzed?
i’m so glad you asked.
because, apparently, there simply isn’t enough drama in my life. or something of the sort. i’ve come to realize over the course of the past few months or so that i unintentionally lead one of the most drama filled lives ever. i really don’t try. and i really, in fact, hate drama. i try to curb it, beat it, kick in the face before slamming the door on it, run away from it, what have you. but the dumb thing always comes back. and WITH A VENGEANCE! it gets mad when i ignore it and makes sure that i know that it’s mad.
enter… the boy. always a boy. we’ll call this one……… Robert the Bruce.
so over the past few months, the Bruce and i have been hanging out weekly. with other people. socializing because of a common interest. common interest being band. this past month and a half, i think, it’s just been the three of us still getting together every monday night. Musician, the Bruce and i. and over the past few weeks, for various reasons, Musician hasn’t been able to come out or we have fires at his house. honestly, i prefer the fires, though it was a tad bit warm last night for one, but that’s beside the point.
the point is, the Bruce is interested in me. and really, i’m not surprised. (trust me, i’m not trying to be conceited. this is just simply how my life works. if they’re interested in me, i’m not in them and vice versa. welcome to my life.)
over the past two weeks, it’s just been the Bruce and i, getting together for drinks and whatnot. just keeping with mondays is what i was doing, and yes, he’s a lot of fun to hang out with if you can get past the complete nerdiness and obsession with the renaissance. which, i can, because i’m not interested in him. just friends.
oh yeah, also. this piece of information is, in fact, important to know and with a bemused smile on my face, i share this. the Bruce and Musician have a very interesting… friendship. Musician, who’s quite a selfish person, doesn’t particularly care for the Bruce. more of a tolerance, it seems. the Bruce doesn’t seem to particularly care for Musician. the selfishness thing gets in the way. yes. two people who don’t REALLY seem to like each other hang out weekly.
it seems that i’m the glue that binds this little friendship group. because i enjoy the company of both of them for the most part. and i don’t let the fact that i’m simply a pretty pawn in this testosterone driven game bother me. i talk to Musician online frequently and hang out with the Bruce at least once a week. and they both feel like they’re getting the better of the other person, like, they’re winning somehow because i’m spending time with one and not the other. i know, what are we, 12?
then there’s last night. when i purchased my beverage for the evening, i had no intention of drinking all 6. i really didn’t. i was going to have 2 and call it good. but for whatever reason, last night there was so much testosterone in the air, i was choking. seriously. it was crazy.
so i was letting them talk about whatever and i was simply looking at the stars. yeah. Musician lives out on the edge of town and there are STARS out there. finally one of them notices that i’m looking at the stars. and they start trying to point out constellations and whatnot. how, i’m one of the dumbest people out there when it comes to stars. i really am. so, now on my third, i think i lay down in the grass. the wet grass. to look to see what the heck they’re talking about. taunting one of them to come lay by me, because as long as there was so much testosterone, i might as well get a little enjoyment out of a little competition. ha. i’m terrible, i know, but if you were there, you’d be doing the SAME. THING. trust me.
and the Bruce was like… RIGHT there. it was fun looking at stars, actually. i enjoyed myself. even with the Bruce getting all star gazing cuddly with me. you know, laying his head on my shoulder and whatnot. yeah, it was kinda cute, i guess. so, somewhere in the course of all of this, i have all six of my beverage of choice. yes, obviously it wasn’t beer because this girl can’t drink 6 beers that fast. i finally decided to stop star gazing because i’m wet, i’m getting cold and i want to be by the fire again. that’s probably where i finished the six, actually. and there was some comment made about how the Bruce was simply waiting to be able to take me to his place to get laid. and yes, this is common banter for them. and no, it doesn’t really offend me. if you knew them, you’d understand. i made some comment about how i hadn’t had enough to drink yet for that to happen. truth is, i’m not sure that i’d EVER have enough to drink for that to happen.
enter drink #7. yes. the Bruce and Musician force the Bruce’s last drink on me. and i was getting fairly tanked by then. so i took it. and went to hang out on the newly constructed swing set in Musician’s yard. because i wanted to. because i needed to get away a little bit. and the longer i was there, the more i could feel the alcohol start to affect me. so by the time Musician kicked us out at 2 am, i had a pretty good buzz going. the Bruce drove me there, which is probably part of the reason i drank too much. because i didn’t have to drive. not a mistake i will make again, rest assured.
so the Bruce escorted me to his truck as i was a tad, really, only a tad, unstable on my feet. and we get to it and the Bruce makes his move. i was taken by surprise actually. i didn’t expect that from him. i had just been talking with a girlfriend of mine yesterday about confidence and all sorts of really deep stuff and the Bruce made a comment about not having any confidence. so i said, ‘well maybe you should get some’ and that’s when he went in for the kill. now, first and foremost, he. is. a. bad. kisser. too eager. but i was too buzzed to really do anything about it except simply respond. and then he suggested going back to his place (don’t even judge me) and i was like whatever. i’ve had a lot to drink and i’m not really sure where this all came from and blah blah blah. anyone who’s ever done anything stupid knows how this happens. on the ride to his house, he makes a comment that he’s been waiting years to do that. and i’m just drunk enough to pry. ‘years, eh?’ when really, i’m thinking “YEARS?!?!?! wtf?!” yeah. this kid (who’s actually like 5 years older than me) has been crushing on me for at least 3 years. i’m not really sure how i feel about that. yeah. moving on…
so we get to his place and i have to PEE. like, REALLY bad. now at some point as i’m in the bathroom, i realize where this is going. and i’m not really sure if i want to. but i’m not really sure if i want to humiliate the poor boy, either, given his prior confession to me. so i get back out there, stand for a while because i realize that i really don’t want to do this, but i sit down on the couch anyway. kind of a resigned to your fate sort of thing. i could have quelled it out at Musician’s but i didn’t. so he dives right back in.
and the only person that i can think about is c.
ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?!
yeah. for whatever reason, i felt like i was cheating on him. where does this come from? because, i swear, i don’t want to be with him. i’m not lying when i say i’m over him. i’m not. but last night, there he was, forefront of my mind.
‘i can’t do this’
i gave the Bruce no explanation. just that i couldn’t do this. i wasn’t ready. and he starts talking about how he’s content just holding me in his arms and if nothing else we have the summer and yadda yadda yadda. oh boy. what have i done? what did i just encourage here? not good. so we fell asleep, or passed out, (whatever. technicality) on his couch.
and at 6 am, i woke up. wide awake. and the first thing in my mind is ‘where am i and what am i doing here?’ and i sat straight up. the Bruce is like ‘what what?’
‘i need to pee’ yeah. always my excuse. but it’s a good one, it works. and after that, the awkward drive home. but at least i could pretend to be tired. because i still kinda was, just not as tired as i was making myself out to be. i mean, seriously. what was i thinking last night? oh that’s right, i wasn’t.
sorry. this got really long but i just needed to work through this and share yet another one of my escapades with you all. because i’m awesome like that. ha.
oh yeah, i did send the Bruce a little note saying that i can’t do this. i don’t do summer flings. i’m, obviously, not ready for something. and of course, the kiss of death: you’re a great guy, fun to hang out with…. yeah. i know. that’s low. it really is. but i can’t have the Bruce thinking that something might actually happen. kill it now, i say. kill it now.
so, anyone else have a fabulous monday night?