so i had an amazing weekend and i promise i’ll do a post about it and give you all pictures and stuff. promise.
but right now, of course, i need to work through a little of this and a little of that.
i went technology free all weekend. or social media free. whatever. my phone was off. my lappy was on my bed. i had no way to connect with anyone but who i was with. face to face. and i loved it. i was in a small town. 200 people. we walked pretty much everywhere. we took a tour of the town. now don’t get me wrong, at times it was weird to not be checking my cell for a new message. but that was only at the end of the night. and i went to bed and didn’t worry about it.
i miss the days where i lived in a place where everyone knew everyone. you waved when you passed someone. you could walk anywhere in town because that’s the kind of place it was. where you let your kids out to run and play and don’t worry because chances are that there are 16 or 17 people watching them for you. a place where you don’t have to lock your car. heck, you don’t even have to lock your house. because it’s safe. because everyone will know in 5 minutes who did it anyway.
i miss not being stressed out. i miss not having to keep up. because when i finally reconnected with technology, i had 12 texts, 20 or so emails, 20 items in google reader, facebook messages and wall posts, not to mention twitter updates, and i suddenly was completely overwhelmed. i want to be connected with these people. but it’s so much work sometimes. it’s stressful keeping up with all these kinda of media even though i enjoy it. part of me was really glad that most of my blogs we talking about MJ and i don’t really care, so i just skipped over them.
and then, there’s the “convenience” of online bill pay. no more stamps, nothing. except when it doesn’t work and the electric company didn’t get your payment. what the eff? so then i had to spend all morning figuring that out, but first wanted to see how much money was in the bank. and staring back at me from my screen was a goose egg for savings. really? where did all my money go? i have enough to pay rent in two days. but that’s it. i have a car insurance payment due 10 days after that, but how in the world am i going to pay that? i don’t have the money for it. anywhere. and i just got paid a few days ago. so no check for 2 more weeks. what the heck am i supposed to do?
i tried something and i’m going to make an attempt to keep doing this until the panic subsides completely. i’ve been trying this new thing lately and that’s been completely trusting God. with everything. trusting Him to take care of me and it’s worked. it really has. so before i started in on the money matters, i read my morning devo from ‘My Utmost for His Highest’ and then i prayed. it wasn’t long because i was freaking out, but it was an attempt to get me centered again. to get me back to the place that i need to be. yes, i did some very careless spending over this past month and a half. it wasn’t a bunch of big ticket items, but a bunch of little ones that finally added up. and as i obsess over this for the next few days, i’m going to really try to let go. to give this mess up because if i’m going to be the person of faith that i claim to be, that others (hopefully) see me to be, i need to be developing faith all the time. i need to be willing to put my life on hold, what i want on hold and do what God wants me to do.
even if it’s just to be still.
to not try to fix it by myself because i’m the one that got me into this mess. how in the world could i get myself out. any mess i’ve ever been in, which have been quite a few, it’s been God that got me out. not me. not someone else. because i was willing to listen. i was willing to step back and let Him take over. so i guess there will be a lot of being still over the next few days. and i think that i’m ok with that.