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the Bema seat…

i was at college group last night and we watched a movie. well… presentation? i don’t even know what to call it. we’ll call it a dvd.

it was about the Bema judgement.

The Bema judgment, spoken of in 2 Corinthians 5:10 and 1 Corinthians 3:12-15, is nothing to fear, either. The purpose of this judgment is to give rewards based on our stewardship of the things God has given us and whether we invested in things that will last for eternity.

this dvd was the Bema seat monologue.

i can’t even begin to express how much it has made me think.

how many times have i done something of eternal significance? how many times have i gotten angry or irritated when i should have been patient? how many times have i invited someone to church? how many people know that i’m a Christian and how many are waiting for me to say something? how many are waiting for me to reach out? how many times have i THOUGHT to pray and not done it?

now. i realize that this is an hour long. but it’s GOOD. if you have the time, PLEASE listen to the Bema seat judgment by Pete Briscoe.

i’m listening to it right now. again.

i wanted to write some epic post about this, but i can’t. not at this moment.

a kiss is just a kiss…

in my last post, i told you all that i don’t believe in the fairy tale. i really don’t. i don’t believe in the happily ever after. despite whatever i rambled on about in the last post.

ever since my break up, a kiss means next to nothing to me. not that i’ve gone out and kissed everyone i know, that’s not the case. but the truth of the matter is, the ones i DID end up kissing have been moreso because THEY wanted to. they were/are interested in me. their desire to do so outweighed my indifference. or my lack of interest toward them. they HAD an opinion on the matter. they wanted to kiss me. so i let them. and a kiss was just a kiss. at least to me.

and it’s not that i’m necessarily detaching the emotional from the physical, it’s that there IS NO emotional side of it. i don’t feel anything more than friendship toward them. and whatever emotional side comes into play after the fact, it’s not necessarily regret. it’s more of a fear that i’ve led them on. a fear that i’m leading them on to believe that i’m more interested in them than i really am. and part of it is sometimes i feel like i owe it to them. they’re being extra nice, putting forth a bunch of effort trying to win my affection and yet, it’s still not there. it’s not my fault, though. i know that. i know that i don’t owe them anything. it’s not my problem that they’re interested in me and i’m not in them. i know all that.

in my head.

my heart is a totally different story. i’m such an empathetic person that i can’t help but feel what they might be feeling. i pick it up in their eyes, in their faces, in their body language. i can see it. i can feel it. and i feel bad. i genuinely feel bad. not pity. i don’t feel sorry for them, but i feel bad that they’re trying so hard to no avail. and the fact that i know it will never come to anything. i know that i will never feel about them the way they feel about me. and sometimes i feel like i owe it to them.

do you ever feel that way?

i can’t help but wonder, as i think i’ve said before, if this break up was more traumatic for me than i ever let on. even to myself. did i try to make myself believe that it wasn’t as bad as it really was because i didn’t want to hurt? because i didn’t want to bother other people? because i simply didn’t want to deal with it? do i now subconsciously feel more worthless than i am? a kiss is less sacred to me than it used to be. because i’ve been hurt? is that why? and if it means so little, why do i do it? because i’m a people pleasing middle child? because someone else’s opinion outweighs my lack of opinion? because i want it to mean something again?

will i feel differently when i find someone i’m interested in again? will it begin to mean something? or will a kiss still just be a kiss? does that make me more susceptible to cheating if things go south? i mean, if a kiss means nothing, or has the potential to mean nothing. it’s just a thought.

i thought about making this post password protected. but the list of people who i would maybe not want to read this was smaller than the list of people i wouldn’t mind reading it and knowing this about me. that’s part of the struggle with having an open blog like this, where IRL people can see me. i mean, does it freak me out that my mom will read this? perhaps one of my pastors or my youth group kids? one of the guys i’ve kissed? yeah, a bit. it does. but at the same time, this is me. this who i am. this is what i struggle with. these are my thoughts. if i want to truly be a follower of Christ, i can’t hide the inconvenient truths about myself.

I’M NOT PERFECT.

i want to be honest about myself. i’m certainly not where i was but i’m also nowhere near where i want to be. i’m human. do i need to apologize for that? do i need to be ashamed of it? why do we sometimes feel like we need to hide or gloss over our struggles? i can’t stress enough the importance of sharing struggles with each other. so that we can support each other. not FIX each other, SUPPORT each other. have a hand to help us up when we fall and be able to offer a hand to someone else when they fall.

maybe that’s part of the reason i opened this up to my IRL people. maybe i just needed the support. maybe i wanted to encourage others by sharing the open, raw life that is being a Christ follower. i mean, it’s not easy. not at all.

but it’s worth it.

we were both young when i first saw you…

this song has been SUPERGLUED in my head for the past three or four days now. like, seriously? since WHEN do i like taylor swift? besides since never.

i mean, don’t get me wrong. it’s an adorable song and just like any other girl, i want the fairy tale too. i want everything to be perfect. i want the perfect guy to come and do all the right things for me. but at the same time, i know that’s unrealistic. there is no boy, man, guy, male who is perfect. he will always have imperfections, things that drive me crazy. he won’t always understand me and i won’t always understand him. i’m ok with that, though. i don’t want someone who’s perfect. i want someone who’s real. someone who’s honest. someone who i can depend on.

and honestly, i LOVE the story of romeo and juliet. i even like the ending. because it’s not perfect happily ever after. it’s REAL. it’s HONEST. it’s RAW. just like my life. real. honest. raw. overall, i enjoy my life. yes, sometimes life is hard. yes, sometimes i get stuck doing things i don’t want to. yes, sometimes i’m down for no reason and can’t snap out of it. yes, sometimes i struggle with relationships and boundaries. yes, sometimes i do things that i regret. yes, sometimes i want to sleep for a week, or fall asleep and never wake up. yes, sometimes i miss my friends terribly and isolate myself.

BUT WHO DOESN’T?!

who’s life IS perfect? i can’t think of anyone. who gets the fairy tale? NO ONE. because life ISN’T some fairy tale. it’s not a series of events leading to a happily ever after. my life’s joy and happiness and purpose and contentment isn’t wrapped up in a person, in a boy, man, guy, male.

but i still dream. i still hope. i still wish. because as soon as i stop doing that, i stop living. as soon as i stop doing that, i’ve given up on everything. i’ve become a cynic, cold as stone. i’ve become not worth being around.

i think it’s important to be realistic. but i also think that it’s important to dream. to hope. to love. to wish. it gives us something to live for, to strive towards. something worth looking forward to. and sometimes, when i’m down, when i’m depressed, i lose sight of that. i lose my focus and i see the world for the dark dreary place that it really is. people hurting, hating, dying. when i forget to dream, i forget to remember the love and happiness that’s here too. i forget about the joy of getting a postcard or a letter in the mail. i forget the way someone’s eyes light up when i walk in the room. when i forget to dream, i forget that this is only a temporary place for me and something SO MUCH BETTER waits for me on the other side of this life. when i forget to dream, i forget to love. i forget to accept. i forget to learn.

sometimes, it takes something very simple to remind me. sometimes it takes very little to show me the beauty and adventure and wonder in this world, on this earth, at this time. sometimes, all it takes is a song.

sometimes, all it takes is discovering a new, awesome musician. someone who’s passion is evident in their playing, in their faces. someone who arranges music for their daughter. sometimes, all it takes is 5 minutes to remember. 5 minutes to be taken to a completely different place, where pain doesn’t matter. only the sound of the melody, of the music. hearing passion and talent and skill all combined into one place. even if i don’t know them. even if i’ve never heard of them before.

if you’ve been here for a while, you know that i’ve been in love. head over heels in love with someone. which has more recently come out as hate. i will be seeing him at the end of this week. and he’s the one that helped me realize that it is important to be realistic. that the happily ever after love story doesn’t exist. not really. it’s possible to be happy, but it takes work. it takes patience. it takes choosing to love someone for who they are and not who you think they should be. that just because you love someone doesn’t mean that you get to spend the rest of your life with them. sometimes i’m juliet and they are mercutio. sometimes they are tybalt. sometimes they are rosalyn. because only one gets to be romeo. only one. you only get to live ‘ever after’ with one. hopefully happily ever after, but you have to be prepared for the work that it takes.

“we were both young when i first saw you…”

going back to school…

so. it’s official. i’m going back.

heading back to the alma mater for a second bachelor’s degree. going for psychology this time. i think.

i’m going to take an intro to social work class. because maybe that’s where i want to go. i don’t know, though. just check it out, you know?

i’m also possibly/probably living in the dorms again. i’ve submitted my app and money to get a room assignment and thus move again. i love moving. NOT. so yeah. that’s that.

i’ll post a real post again soon. when life slows down a hair and half. haha. no, i’ll post sooner than that.

oh, by the way, the REASON for the secrecy. didn’t want any advice. so, what happens when i finally start telling people? yeah, inundated with advice. glad that i kept my mouth shut until i figured things out. yeah.

more from me later.

by the way, all you ghost readers should really think about leaving me a comment because that would be fun. 🙂

have you ever…

… felt comforted just by seeing a note with your dad’s handwriting?

… gone out when you knew that you should stay in?

… been blue?

… let someone kiss you because you thought you owed it to them?

… wished you could sleep for a week?

… wanted to take a road trip and see everyone you know that are scattered all over the country?

… played hooky just for hooky’s sake?

… called someone just to hear their voice again?

… just started walking and seen where it takes you?

… let someone truly love you?

… run away when you know you should have stayed?

… lied about something stupid?

… been glad that you couldn’t take back something you said?

… gargled coffee in a Starbuck’s?

… laid in bed all day just because you could?

… had an epiphany so big that it gave you a headache?

… cheated?

… fallen out of love with someone who was still in love with you?

… wished that you could be 5 again, just for a day?

… cut all your hair off on a whim?

… not shaved for a month just because?

… sent a postcard to someone you miss?

… developed respect for someone you hated?

… judged someone by how they look? or talk? or smell?

… slow danced to the sound of the river?

… watched a sunset? or a sunrise?

… let yourself be lazy even though there are a million things hanging over your head?

… said something you regretted?

… played four-square nicely?

… taken in a plant because you knew you wouldn’t feel as bad if it died?

… gone to church and fallen more in love with God than you ever thought possible?

… watched someone play with a little kid and been jealous that it’s not you?

… walked around in your swimsuit because it’s less offensive than walking around in your undies?

… wanted to get into a fistfight?

do you have any ‘have you ever’s?

holy turbo!! time to catch up…

so. for those of you who HAVE missed me for the past few days, i apologize. life has been overwhelming lately. i’m here now, though, to catch you up on events of the past weeks or so. ready? i hope so…

1) i’ve been working on plan b. trying to figure out if i should move somewhere, like oh say tennessee. if i should get a full-time job here in fargo doing something. or if i should go back to school for something else. something totally different. i CAN tell you that i’ve pretty much made up my mind. i’m NOT, however, going to share any of that right now. for several reasons, actually. one) thank you for your support and advice, but frankly right now i don’t want anymore. two) i don’t have all the details ironed out yet and there are a few people i need to talk to FACE TO FACE before things get way out there and people start hearing by word of mouth, etc. three) i’ve needed to take a break from life and focus again on my FAITH. i had a minor meltdown a few days ago, yes the most recent password protected post and i’m still recuperating from that.

2) i’m STRESSED. with life being such a jumble and crazy, i’ve become very stressed. i DO KNOW that everything is going to work out. i know that, but still things are crazy and i’m not really sure how to deal with all that right now. and when i get stressed, i don’t really sleep, i don’t really eat and that makes me even MORE tired and then i start feeling depressed and it’s just a snowball effect. so that’s what’s been going on for a while. i’m sorry that i haven’t been keeping up on reading all y’all’s blogs and commenting and stuff, but my brain simply couldn’t handle it.

3) i’m developing new numb spots on my legs. i had surgery 5 years ago for compartment syndrome. i have six scars on my legs, three on each and the two lower inside scars are where the numbness is starting to develop. the left leg is moreso than the right leg, but that makes sense because the highest pressure pre-surgery WAS in that spot. i have an exam with the chiropractor tomorrow about it. i’m nervous. because i don’t want him to tell me that i can’t run anymore. because that. would. suck. i love running. i pretty much always have. i want to run the fargo marathon next may and if he tells me i can’t run, well, then i can’t. i can’t do my marathon. and i can’t do something that i love. and here are some pictures one or two days post-surgery. if you’re squeamish, you might not want to look.

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4) sunday, i got a new piercing. on my left ear. cartilage. for $15. i love apprentice piercing workshops. i got salt, soap, jewelry and piercing for $15. usually that would cost upwards of $50. which i obviously can’t afford. but i could swing $15. and i love it. it was painful and throbby yesterday, but that’s because i wouldn’t leave it alone. i kept trying to clean off the blood (sorry, a little gross, but there’s a new hole in my head, there’s going to be blood. what did you expect?) and thus, made it hurt. but today it’s fine.

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5) i’m missing my friends. my old friends. seeing them in person. courtney, alli, jen, christina (yes, i’m using real names). i miss sitting next to them watching movies, having a drink, talking, catching up. seeing their faces, watching their eyes. i have new wonderful friends, really, but you all know what i mean. i think i just want some old familiar back to help my life make a bit of sense. new friends remind me that i have to keep moving forward, but sometimes moving forward is the hardest thing to do. sometimes i just want the comfort of the familiar old past. so yes, i miss you girls dearly.

6) i kinda want to start dating again. however. i just haven’t found someone that i’m interested in yet. there are a couple guys interested in me, but sadly the feeling is not mutual. a while ago, i DID find someone who i was very interested in. seemed to be the perfect person for me, at least the little i knew about him. and then he got a girlfriend. and yes, they’re still together and adorable and all that junk. oh well. wasn’t meant to be. it’s just strange to be with someone for so long and then to SUDDENLY have them gone. there is so much you share with someone when you’re together and i didn’t realize it until it was over. i guess i didn’t know what i was looking for. or looking at. and i miss all those little things. and i’m definitely ready to move on. i’m over c. i’m over him. i still love him, i always will, but it’s different. it’s the kind that wants him to be happy and that isn’t with me. and i wasn’t truly happy with him either. we both deserve better. and i’m going to make sure that i only date someone that i could see myself being HAPPY with. not necessarily dating for marriage, but just being happy. someone who gets me. someone who understands me. someone who i get. someone who i understand. i know what i’m looking for now and i’ll know what i’m looking AT when the time comes.

7) i painted my fingernails and toenails. it was fun and they’re pretty.

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so. i think that’s everything that’s going on right now. that’s why i’ve been missing and whatnot. now that i’ve caught you all up, i do believe i’m going to lay outside in the sun for a bit because i can. because the sun is out and because i need to even out what i did on monday. you all have a splendid day and i can’t wait to read all of the lovely comments i’m going to get. haha. later!!