if i was a crier…

believe me, i’d be bawling my eyes out right now.

i officially have $12.96 to my name. and i wrote a $20 check to church yesterday. in total faith that God would work things out. not that i’m not stressed. to the limit. to the end of what i can handle. not that i’m not to the point that my brain simply can’t take anything else.

this weekend was supposed to be relaxing. like last weekend. but it wasn’t. because on monday, i all but lost one of my jobs. which means that i’m getting worked out of the schedule. i work four days in july. i needed both jobs. and no, it didn’t help that in june i went out to lunch every week after church. because i had the money for it then. and now i don’t.

i don’t have any money. i’ve been walking through all last week in a state of shock and confusion and disbelief. going through the motions of life but not really being there. i’ve been waiting to hear from seminary. any day now would be super nice. because then at least i can defer my student loans. and i can start getting more. even though i won’t see a penny of that until after classes start at the end of september.

so i need to find another job. but who’s going to hire me for two months? because, even though this might shoot me in the foot, i’m going to be straight with whoever i talk to. because they deserve that. they deserve that kind of consideration. i’m not going to have them waste their time training me to do something that i won’t even get decent at in 2 months. that is, if i’m even going.

i’ve also decided to go public with this. when i get done with this post, the link will go in my facebook status. because i’m tired of hiding from the people who know me. i’m tired of keeping everyone out. yes, there will be some posts that will become password protected. because there are things on here that will embarass or hurt some people and i don’t want that. because when people who didn’t know me read these, it was fine to share everything. it’s not that this will become a less honest place. it really won’t. because if a reader doesn’t like what i have to say and if they don’t want to know me this well, they are free to not come back. but i know that there ARE people out there who are dying to know me. to know who i am. to know what i think. and i think that i’m ready for that. i’m ready for people to really know me. to really see who i am.

am i nervous about letting the whole world in to see my soul? oh yeah.

will it be worth it? i certainly hope so.

so to all the new viewers and readers, welcome to the crazy world that is my mind.

and honestly, i feel much better now that i’m doing this. it’s like… a huge burden has just been lifted. i can breathe just a little easier now.


2 thoughts on “if i was a crier…

  1. DeMo says:

    Wow. Good for you for stepping out in faith with your tithing.

    I don’t know if it’s a possibility where you live, but I have some friends who do some coding for the post office here. It’s pretty good pay, mindless work, but choosing your hours isn’t always the easiest so they’ve had to sacrifice some social time, but it’s worth checking out, esp if you’re desperate for some cash.

  2. Tellie says:

    Sorry to hear about the money woes. I remember when I was in a similar situation not too long ago. But everything worked out in the end for me, as I’m sure it will for you. I too am a tither and I really think that helps sometimes…

    Good luck with opening the blog up to IRL friends. I don’t think I can bring myself to do that quite yet.

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