so yeah. suddenly i’m totally miserable. i went out for a beer with a friend. no biggie.
but i find myself incredibly lonely. especially lately. and i don’t really know why. i don’t know what’s up with that. i mean, it’s not like i’m mad at him or anything, but seriously, i just want to shout ‘FUCK YOU!!!’ to colton. why? because he’s happy. because he found someone. because he’s getting what i want.
i want someone to love me again. i want to feel like i’m worth loving again. i want to be able to call someone and say ‘i’m lonely, come see me’ and ACTUALLY want to spend time with them. i want to kiss someone. i want to hold someone’s hand. i want someone to talk to.
i want someone who can sit by me while i’m miserable about not getting into seminary. i want someone who i WANT to hug. i don’t want hugs from just anyone. everyone wants to effing hug me. as though it’s going to make things any better. i mean, seriously. it’s not.
A HUG FROM YOU WON’T MAKE ME FEEL BETTER!!!!! so stop trying to hug me!
ugh. i just want to scream that at everyone. stop touching me.
i miss my friends. i miss my girls. i miss my boys. i miss the people that always end up making me feel better. simply by sitting there with me. not trying to make me talk. not trying to hug me. not doing anything. just being there.
i want boys that i don’t like to stop liking me. to stop trying to date me. because even though i’m over colton DOES NOT MEAN THAT MY HEART IS NOT BROKEN ANYMORE!! yeah. surprising, i know. it’s still in a million little pieces and while i seem to have things together i still have this ache, this pain deep inside. i’m not trying to ignore it, but i just don’t want it out there for all the world to see. i don’t want people to see the tears that i won’t let fall. i don’t want everyone to see it. i’m tired of telling myself to just breathe.
just breathe. everything will be fine.
no. i’m not a crier, but i want to cry. i want to sob. i want tears to fall that will shake and break my whole body. i want it out. i want the pain to leave. i want the lonliness to leave. i want all the stupid things that people say to go away. i just want to feel better for a little bit. i don’t want to deal with this anymore.
i want to be the person that i seem to be in my posts. the one that’s got it all together. the one that knows what’s going on. the one that is so confident in her faith. the one that isn’t dealing with so much heartache.
i want to go to tennessee and have coffee.
i want to go to california and have coffee.
i want to watch disney movies.
i want to eat spaghetti.
i want things to be different. i want to know what i’m doing. i want to know where i’m supposed to go. i want to know who i’m supposed to be. i want to be loved. i want to sleep next to someone and be able to curl up in his arms. i want so many things right now.
most of all, i want to hide this. i want to pretend that this doesn’t exist. but it does. it DOES exist. it’s just not for the whole world to see. i want hot tears to roll down my cheeks. i want to curl into a ball and cry. i want you to be near me right now.
i think i’ll go to sleep. maybe i’ll feel better in the morning.