i want…

so yeah. suddenly i’m totally miserable. i went out for a beer with a friend. no biggie.

but i find myself incredibly lonely. especially lately. and i don’t really know why. i don’t know what’s up with that. i mean, it’s not like i’m mad at him or anything, but seriously, i just want to shout ‘FUCK YOU!!!’ to colton. why? because he’s happy. because he found someone. because he’s getting what i want.

i want someone to love me again. i want to feel like i’m worth loving again. i want to be able to call someone and say ‘i’m lonely, come see me’ and ACTUALLY want to spend time with them. i want to kiss someone. i want to hold someone’s hand. i want someone to talk to.

i want someone who can sit by me while i’m miserable about not getting into seminary. i want someone who i WANT to hug. i don’t want hugs from just anyone. everyone wants to effing hug me. as though it’s going to make things any better. i mean, seriously. it’s not.

A HUG FROM YOU WON’T MAKE ME FEEL BETTER!!!!! so stop trying to hug me!

ugh. i just want to scream that at everyone. stop touching me.

i miss my friends. i miss my girls. i miss my boys. i miss the people that always end up making me feel better. simply by sitting there with me. not trying to make me talk. not trying to hug me. not doing anything. just being there.

i want boys that i don’t like to stop liking me. to stop trying to date me. because even though i’m over colton DOES NOT MEAN THAT MY HEART IS NOT BROKEN ANYMORE!! yeah. surprising, i know. it’s still in a million little pieces and while i seem to have things together i still have this ache, this pain deep inside. i’m not trying to ignore it, but i just don’t want it out there for all the world to see. i don’t want people to see the tears that i won’t let fall. i don’t want everyone to see it. i’m tired of telling myself to just breathe.

just breathe. everything will be fine.

no. i’m not a crier, but i want to cry. i want to sob. i want tears to fall that will shake and break my whole body. i want it out. i want the pain to leave. i want the lonliness to leave. i want all the stupid things that people say to go away. i just want to feel better for a little bit. i don’t want to deal with this anymore.

i want to be the person that i seem to be in my posts. the one that’s got it all together. the one that knows what’s going on. the one that is so confident in her faith. the one that isn’t dealing with so much heartache.

i want to go to tennessee and have coffee.

i want to go to california and have coffee.

i want to watch disney movies.

i want to eat spaghetti.

i want things to be different. i want to know what i’m doing. i want to know where i’m supposed to go. i want to know who i’m supposed to be. i want to be loved. i want to sleep next to someone and be able to curl up in his arms. i want so many things right now.

most of all, i want to hide this. i want to pretend that this doesn’t exist. but it does. it DOES exist. it’s just not for the whole world to see. i want hot tears to roll down my cheeks. i want to curl into a ball and cry. i want you to be near me right now.

i think i’ll go to sleep. maybe i’ll feel better in the morning.

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2 thoughts on “i want…

  1. tabithablogs says:

    oh cari…i’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. it’s completely understandable though, because there’s a lot of shit going on in your life. and yeah, i know that you trust God and that ultimately you know he’s there, but i also know that he can handle your anger, your doubts, your frustrations, your questions. it’s okay to not have your faith all sorted out all the time. no one really does, in my opinion. and it’s okay to scream sometimes, when it’s the only thing that seems to loosen you up. do it. scream. (just be careful your neighbors don’t think you’re being stabbed to death or anything…)

    and a kind of side note: about your statement that you’re not a cryer…i feel ya. prior to meeting joe, i cried maybe twice a year? i mean real, good cries. even when it felt like crying was the ONLY thing that could possibly help me, i just couldn’t do it. i couldn’t let that guard down…even in the privacy of my own room. and then when i found someone who knew me better than anyone else, and who i could trust 100% with absolutely ANYTHING, suddenly the walls started to come down. i cry like every other week, now. it’s kind of lame, actually. 😛 anyway, i’m not sure why i’m telling you this part. maybe because i feel like, if you’re anything like me, you might think that your inability to cry means something’s wrong with you. and i don’t think that’s true. emotions come out in different ways. before i became the pathetic cryer i am today, i released my emotions solely through my written words. and (by the way, i’m totally just NOW making this connection, this very instant), now that i have the emotional release of crying, i’ve found that i write a lot less of my working-it-out stuff. in some ways? i kind of miss it. i try sometimes to get back into that contemplative writing mode, but it doesn’t come easily anymore. instead, i just cry it out.

    wow…i just wrote you a friggin’ blog post. sorry if it was totally rambly and completely unhelpful. just know that i’m here for you, in whatever way i can be from a zillion miles away.

  2. courtney903 says:

    “just because i’m over colton doesn’t mean my heart isn’t broken anymore.”

    whoa. i just saw… life… completely differently. that was brilliant.

    and i’m sorry you feel such a way that you have to say it.

    i want to watch disney movies and eat mac and cheese and drink coffee with you. here or there, it doesn’t matter. and i know it can’t happen right this moment but i’m there in spirit, dear. i love you in an incredible way.

    things will get better. i know it’s hard, but it will get easier. it will. IT WILL.

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