in my last post, i told you all that i don’t believe in the fairy tale. i really don’t. i don’t believe in the happily ever after. despite whatever i rambled on about in the last post.
ever since my break up, a kiss means next to nothing to me. not that i’ve gone out and kissed everyone i know, that’s not the case. but the truth of the matter is, the ones i DID end up kissing have been moreso because THEY wanted to. they were/are interested in me. their desire to do so outweighed my indifference. or my lack of interest toward them. they HAD an opinion on the matter. they wanted to kiss me. so i let them. and a kiss was just a kiss. at least to me.
and it’s not that i’m necessarily detaching the emotional from the physical, it’s that there IS NO emotional side of it. i don’t feel anything more than friendship toward them. and whatever emotional side comes into play after the fact, it’s not necessarily regret. it’s more of a fear that i’ve led them on. a fear that i’m leading them on to believe that i’m more interested in them than i really am. and part of it is sometimes i feel like i owe it to them. they’re being extra nice, putting forth a bunch of effort trying to win my affection and yet, it’s still not there. it’s not my fault, though. i know that. i know that i don’t owe them anything. it’s not my problem that they’re interested in me and i’m not in them. i know all that.
in my head.
my heart is a totally different story. i’m such an empathetic person that i can’t help but feel what they might be feeling. i pick it up in their eyes, in their faces, in their body language. i can see it. i can feel it. and i feel bad. i genuinely feel bad. not pity. i don’t feel sorry for them, but i feel bad that they’re trying so hard to no avail. and the fact that i know it will never come to anything. i know that i will never feel about them the way they feel about me. and sometimes i feel like i owe it to them.
do you ever feel that way?
i can’t help but wonder, as i think i’ve said before, if this break up was more traumatic for me than i ever let on. even to myself. did i try to make myself believe that it wasn’t as bad as it really was because i didn’t want to hurt? because i didn’t want to bother other people? because i simply didn’t want to deal with it? do i now subconsciously feel more worthless than i am? a kiss is less sacred to me than it used to be. because i’ve been hurt? is that why? and if it means so little, why do i do it? because i’m a people pleasing middle child? because someone else’s opinion outweighs my lack of opinion? because i want it to mean something again?
will i feel differently when i find someone i’m interested in again? will it begin to mean something? or will a kiss still just be a kiss? does that make me more susceptible to cheating if things go south? i mean, if a kiss means nothing, or has the potential to mean nothing. it’s just a thought.
i thought about making this post password protected. but the list of people who i would maybe not want to read this was smaller than the list of people i wouldn’t mind reading it and knowing this about me. that’s part of the struggle with having an open blog like this, where IRL people can see me. i mean, does it freak me out that my mom will read this? perhaps one of my pastors or my youth group kids? one of the guys i’ve kissed? yeah, a bit. it does. but at the same time, this is me. this who i am. this is what i struggle with. these are my thoughts. if i want to truly be a follower of Christ, i can’t hide the inconvenient truths about myself.
I’M NOT PERFECT.
i want to be honest about myself. i’m certainly not where i was but i’m also nowhere near where i want to be. i’m human. do i need to apologize for that? do i need to be ashamed of it? why do we sometimes feel like we need to hide or gloss over our struggles? i can’t stress enough the importance of sharing struggles with each other. so that we can support each other. not FIX each other, SUPPORT each other. have a hand to help us up when we fall and be able to offer a hand to someone else when they fall.
maybe that’s part of the reason i opened this up to my IRL people. maybe i just needed the support. maybe i wanted to encourage others by sharing the open, raw life that is being a Christ follower. i mean, it’s not easy. not at all.
but it’s worth it.