i’ve been wearing it with some degree of consistency since the ex and i broke up. however, i’ve never really OWNED it, you know? i mean, it’s something that’s important to me, something that i want (and it was before too. it was something that i wanted. i just never knew HOW to own it). but as soon as things with boys would take a slightly, how should i say this, less pure route (?) that ring was OFF. because i couldn’t in good conscience have it on. though what i find interesting is that i had enough awareness to take the ring off but not enough to stop whatever else was going on (probably one of those drunken-self-esteem-related-i-probably-owe-you-this things. don’t judge me).
so now i need to figure out what it means to me. why do i choose to wear it? what statement am i trying to make? what boundaries is it reminding myself of?
in past relationships, i’ve compromised more than i ever wanted to. now. let’s clarify something here. i wasn’t sleeping around. i wasn’t doing weird crazy exhibitionist things (that was mostly for the benefit of my parents who may be reading this). when i was younger, i really wanted to be the girl who got her first kiss on her wedding day. i’m not entirely sure why, but that’s what i wanted. i thought that it would be sweet and the epitome of innocent and pure. and that’s what i wanted to be.
so let me just tell you now that obviously that didn’t happen.
i crossed that line. i got down on my myself. i’ve felt like i’ve cheapened myself. i’ve felt like maybe i’ve cheated my future husband out of something. like maybe he’s the only one who ever should be able to kiss me. or hold my hand. or any number of other things.
obviously, i can’t go back. i can’t undo what’s been done. i can’t give anything back (though there are a few i’d like to). everything i’ve gone through has made who i am and i’ve become the person i’ve become because of them.
so does that mean that i can’t go back and take charge once again of my purity? is purity something that is once lost and never regained?
i personally don’t think so.
i think that it’s more of a state of mind. more of a conscious way of living. it’s obviously not something one can do unless they’re completely committed to it. i WANT to be completely committed to this. i don’t want to mess up anymore. i don’t want to even have the opportunity to think that i’m cheapening myself. i want to be in the relationship that someone could watch 24/7 and I wouldn’t be embarrassed by what they see. i wouldn’t be ashamed if mom and dad were watching every second.
so perhaps that’s the secret. having enough control of myself to know where my boundaries are. to know what my NEW boundaries are. and to know that it’s ok. to make every relationship step up to MY standards. and if it fails because i won’t put out, then it wasn’t worth my time in the first place, right?
i am (most of the time) proud of who i am, of who i’ve become, of how i’ve come through everything i’ve come through. it might not be as bad as some people’s, but to me, it is. to me, it was challenging. to me, it was painful. and i can’t measure my pain with someone else’s. i can’t compare the two. i can’t compare my experiences with someone else’s.
so yeah, this time i want to do it right. and who knows, maybe this isn’t the end relationship. maybe there’s another one, or five more, before the end relationship (i certainly hope not, but it’s possible). i am willing, oh so much more than willing, to take things slow and do it right. to not get hurt so badly. to not compromise myself for someone. and if he respects me and wants to be with me, he’ll be ok with that.
and if not, there’s someone out there who will and God will bring that one to me just at the right time. i’m not worried. my life rests in Someone’s more than capable hands.
either i believe you, or i don’t. either i trust you, or i don’t. either i want to be with you, or i don’t.
but i will sit on the fence forever if you let me. i will avoid to make a decision for as long as i’m allowed. as long as i have to play self-preservation, i will play it to the fullest.
i can’t say that i trust you and then not act on it. i can’t say that i would like to be with you and not act on that. just like i can’t claim to be a Christian and not act on that belief. i can’t say that my God has saved me from myself, protected me, allowed me to become the person that i am and not live in light of that. i can’t claim that and then not allow Him to be first in my life. in my everything. because i can always trust Him. HE will never let me down. even if you do. and i trusted Him long before i met you and i will continue to trust Him long after you are gone.
i can’t let my fear drive me forever. i can’t let the possibility of me getting hurt drive away the possibility of something making me happy. i can’t let one or two experiences dictate how the rest of those similar experiences will go. someday, i’m going to have to move on. someday, i’m going to have to take that step. someday, i’m going to have to be vulnerable again. i’m going to have to trust again. i’m going to have to allow myself the opportunity to be happy again.
i have to believe that you were brought to me for a reason. and that i was brought to you for a reason. there’s something that needs to be accomplished here. but what is it? i don’t know.
if i say i believe something, i have to be strong and brave enough to act on it. otherwise, do i really believe? do i truly believe it? or am i just saying it because that’s what someone else wants? do i just think that i believe it? if i believe something, if i really really believe it, then i can’t help but to live in light of that belief, or those beliefs.
am i right?