Honest Question: Why feel the need to throw your entire life out there for the world to see? Is it for the hope of a response?
Musician asked me that. and i’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. even before the question was posed to me. and the truth is i’m not really sure. i used to spend so much energy keeping everyone out. making sure that they didn’t know me or things about me, making sure that they didn’t get too close so that they couldn’t hurt me. and i’d have to say that by doing that, i’ve missed out on some great friends and some great friendships. i guess this is my way of making up for that.
but, do i do this to get a response? no.
the responses are nice. i like knowing what other people are thinking. i like it when people keep in touch. i read this today and all i could think was ‘ME TOO!!’ as a general rule, i suck at staying in touch with people. yeah, sometimes i get the brilliant idea to mail postcards to people, but not very often. i think i opened this to my world so that i could stay in touch with people. so that they could know what’s going on in my life. because everyone’s life is busy. and while, yes, i would LOVE to have the time to sit and chat with everyone i’m friends with on facebook AND twitter AND gmail AND blogging, i simply can’t do that.
there are people who i used to be such good friends with and i miss them. i really do.
for example, this person i used to be good friends with in hs. he’s SUPER cool and now he’s moving to freaking arkansas or something. in response to my delurking call, i got this:
I was going to see you during one of my couple times i did visit Fargo, but due to your busy life I didn’t want to add anymore pressure to you to find time for me.
Anyways I love your blog, I guess its the small town person in me. Like to know what people are doing. I wish I had advice and something great to say like they do in the movies BUT I don’t cause I’m a real person. But hey I wish you the best of luck with everything.
i was so excited to hear from him and at the same time really disappointed. has my life gotten so busy that i don’t have time to see an old friend? hopefully, though, this will spur me on to keep in touch more. hopefully we’ll talk more because i would like that.
i don’t expect anyone reading this to help me fix my life. good heavens if i ever get to that point, please shoot me because i’m taking up valuable oxygen. i am a writer. i love writing. i love sharing things. i love giving people something to connect to (which incidentally didn’t make it onto the list of things i love when i commented on this post of Kristen’s earlier). and apparently i really connect with people. 2 different conversations with two different people really enlightened me, actually. we were talking about how i connect with people and why people like being around me and what makes me so darn interesting. why do people read my blog and keep reading it?
why do you keep coming back? what is it about my blog that keeps you coming back to read?
it’s been suggested that i am some kind of orb of life that attracts people. i love life, i have fun, i bring excitement to pretty much anything. even if it’s a game of volleyball with people who don’t know how to play. even if it’s just sitting around drinking beer. i bring fun. i bring life.
it’s also been suggested that i help people see what’s worth loving inside themselves. i show people what’s desirable about them. because who doesn’t like being desired? desire is powerful.
when i look at someone, i see them. i don’t just see a face, or a body, or a mind, or a soul. i see all of it. and i latch onto the good stuff. i see beautiful eyes. beautiful hands. beautiful smiles. i listen to the cadence of speech and the rhythm of it. their interests and hobbies. and i share, sometimes to a fault, what i find. i don’t mind telling people what i see in them that i like. and sometimes, i use words to do it too.
would you agree? or are we totally off base? do you see something else?
it’s not that i think i’m not interesting or not worth knowing, it’s just sometimes i wonder what others see. i wonder if people see me the way i see them. or do they see me like i see me? all my faults. all my failures. all my screw ups. are these things in the forefront of other people’s minds like it is mine? somehow, i doubt it.
because if this wasn’t true, my friend wouldn’t call me to talk about something of such vital importance. my friend wouldn’t call me in tears. my friend wouldn’t trust my advice. she wouldn’t lay her burdens on me. and i don’t mind. i really don’t. i’m honestly just so glad that she could call me. because I’VE BEEN THERE. simple as that. i’ve been there. i can relate to how she’s feeling and i know how to get her through it. i know how to help her. so yeah, my failure was in her mind, but as a GOOD thing. it was something that she could call me about because i could relate to it.
is this what it is? is it that no matter your particular situation, i can relate to you? somehow, even if i haven’t been in the same situation, i can listen and relate? i can give you, if nothing else, a little piece of my heart to hold onto? the little piece of my heart that i guarded so much for so long?
this little piece, that until recently had been off limits? that is now only available because i’ve matured? now that i’ve made amends?
oh yes, i’ve made amends. and i’ve heard back from the two i never expect to hear back from. and it was so healing for me just to write to them. just to apologize. just to do my side. to open up the years of pain and hurt and anger and to let them out. to be honest. to finally free myself of all of that. hearing back, re-opening lines of communication, getting a second chance at a relationship was just icing on the cake.
this has been random, i know and my brain is only half functioning with all of this going on recently. as in… maybe four days. this has all just been rolling around and around in my brain and i haven’t been able to make sense of it. i don’t know if this made sense of it. i don’t even know if this made sense. but to those who read this, to those who enjoy this, i appreciate you. even if you don’t comment. even if i never know who IS reading. i’m glad you do and i hope that this helps. i hope that reading my blog lifts your spirit and comforts you and helps you.
thank you all. i heart you.