honest question (and some other things)…

Honest Question: Why feel the need to throw your entire life out there for the world to see? Is it for the hope of a response?

Musician asked me that. and i’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. even before the question was posed to me. and the truth is i’m not really sure. i used to spend so much energy keeping everyone out. making sure that they didn’t know me or things about me, making sure that they didn’t get too close so that they couldn’t hurt me. and i’d have to say that by doing that, i’ve missed out on some great friends and some great friendships. i guess this is my way of making up for that.

but, do i do this to get a response? no.

the responses are nice. i like knowing what other people are thinking. i like it when people keep in touch. i read this today and all i could think was ‘ME TOO!!’ as a general rule, i suck at staying in touch with people. yeah, sometimes i get the brilliant idea to mail postcards to people, but not very often. i think i opened this to my world so that i could stay in touch with people. so that they could know what’s going on in my life. because everyone’s life is busy. and while, yes, i would LOVE to have the time to sit and chat with everyone i’m friends with on facebook AND twitter AND gmail AND blogging, i simply can’t do that.

there are people who i used to be such good friends with and i miss them. i really do.

for example, this person i used to be good friends with in hs. he’s SUPER cool and now he’s moving to freaking arkansas or something. in response to my delurking call, i got this:

I was going to see you during one of my couple times i did visit Fargo, but due to your busy life I didn’t want to add anymore pressure to you to find time for me.

Anyways I love your blog, I guess its the small town person in me. Like to know what people are doing.Β  I wish I had advice and something great to say like they do in the movies BUT I don’t cause I’m a real person. But hey I wish you the best of luck with everything.
i was so excited to hear from him and at the same time really disappointed. has my life gotten so busy that i don’t have time to see an old friend? hopefully, though, this will spur me on to keep in touch more. hopefully we’ll talk more because i would like that.

i don’t expect anyone reading this to help me fix my life. good heavens if i ever get to that point, please shoot me because i’m taking up valuable oxygen. i am a writer. i love writing. i love sharing things. i love giving people something to connect to (which incidentally didn’t make it onto the list of things i love when i commented on this post of Kristen’s earlier). and apparently i really connect with people. 2 different conversations with two different people really enlightened me, actually. we were talking about how i connect with people and why people like being around me and what makes me so darn interesting. why do people read my blog and keep reading it?

why do you keep coming back? what is it about my blog that keeps you coming back to read?

it’s been suggested that i am some kind of orb of life that attracts people. i love life, i have fun, i bring excitement to pretty much anything. even if it’s a game of volleyball with people who don’t know how to play. even if it’s just sitting around drinking beer. i bring fun. i bring life.

it’s also been suggested that i help people see what’s worth loving inside themselves. i show people what’s desirable about them. because who doesn’t like being desired? desire is powerful.

when i look at someone, i see them. i don’t just see a face, or a body, or a mind, or a soul. i see all of it. and i latch onto the good stuff. i see beautiful eyes. beautiful hands. beautiful smiles. i listen to the cadence of speech and the rhythm of it. their interests and hobbies. and i share, sometimes to a fault, what i find. i don’t mind telling people what i see in them that i like. and sometimes, i use words to do it too.

would you agree? or are we totally off base? do you see something else?

it’s not that i think i’m not interesting or not worth knowing, it’s just sometimes i wonder what others see. i wonder if people see me the way i see them. or do they see me like i see me? all my faults. all my failures. all my screw ups. are these things in the forefront of other people’s minds like it is mine? somehow, i doubt it.

because if this wasn’t true, my friend wouldn’t call me to talk about something of such vital importance. my friend wouldn’t call me in tears. my friend wouldn’t trust my advice. she wouldn’t lay her burdens on me. and i don’t mind. i really don’t. i’m honestly just so glad that she could call me. because I’VE BEEN THERE. simple as that. i’ve been there. i can relate to how she’s feeling and i know how to get her through it. i know how to help her. so yeah, my failure was in her mind, but as a GOOD thing. it was something that she could call me about because i could relate to it.

is this what it is? is it that no matter your particular situation, i can relate to you? somehow, even if i haven’t been in the same situation, i can listen and relate? i can give you, if nothing else, a little piece of my heart to hold onto? the little piece of my heart that i guarded so much for so long?

this little piece, that until recently had been off limits? that is now only available because i’ve matured? now that i’ve made amends?

oh yes, i’ve made amends. and i’ve heard back from the two i never expect to hear back from. and it was so healing for me just to write to them. just to apologize. just to do my side. to open up the years of pain and hurt and anger and to let them out. to be honest. to finally free myself of all of that. hearing back, re-opening lines of communication, getting a second chance at a relationship was just icing on the cake.

this has been random, i know and my brain is only half functioning with all of this going on recently. as in… maybe four days. this has all just been rolling around and around in my brain and i haven’t been able to make sense of it. i don’t know if this made sense of it. i don’t even know if this made sense. but to those who read this, to those who enjoy this, i appreciate you. even if you don’t comment. even if i never know who IS reading. i’m glad you do and i hope that this helps. i hope that reading my blog lifts your spirit and comforts you and helps you.

thank you all. i heart you.

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8 thoughts on “honest question (and some other things)…

  1. Jennifer says:

    I keep coming back because you intrigue the heck out of me… and i heart you, of course. I also read because at least if some of the thoughts i have are not normal, they are repeated – here. Because in my world of insanity, reading you is sane.

    And it’s refreshing: reading honesty. raw openness.

    I will never figure you out….so i just keep reading.

  2. Andrew says:

    I hate sending out mass emails, but I love listening to myself talk. My blog has been a great way to let my friends know what I’m to or share funny stuff I find on the internet without constantly bothering them. They can check in when they’re curious or bored.

    A quick glance at your blog & it looks like you’re posting about every other day, usually less. I would hardly call that “throwing your entire life out there for the world to see.”

    Also, to answer your other questions… I’m reading your blog cuz I saw the link in Twitter, and I’m bored.

  3. travellershome says:

    I started reading a couple of weeks ago because… yes, I admit it, I’m a bit of a facebook stalker. I kept coming back because I love it when people actually contemplate life, the universe, and everything, and usually write things that actually make sense, but also aren’t afraid to come off a completely crazy at times.

    Two years ago, I don’t think anyone really KNEW me. I never let anyone see past the perfect student, perfect Christian, perfect person-in-general exterior. It took two special people to help me learn to open up a bit. I had no idea how miserable I was until I could look back and see how awesome life could be if I was honest with people and let them see the real me.

    So yeah… I really appreciate people who tell it like it is without being obnoxious or rudely opinionated. Your blog makes me think about things in ways I probably would never consider.

    Kristi (from Ignite and the A/V team at PHCC)

  4. bleighv05 says:

    You do draw people in – for whatever reason. And it’s good. And it’s fun. Sadly….for me…..I tend to see the bad in people…..as much as I try to see the good. This summer opened my eyes to the “why” of doing this. I was raised this way…..and it’s……..disturbing…..that I haven’t been able to turn that off………even though I really want to. I usually feel as though I have good intentions behind my “constructive criticisms” but I now see how much they hurt those people. I want to help them be a better person…..but all I do is hurt and alienate. Can I change at almost 45 years old? I sure hope so……..and will be trying………and praying………and learning………learning to be more aware of what I’m saying and why. Here’s to an old dog trying to learn a new trick! I heart you too!

  5. ashley says:

    blogs are good for all the reasons you listed.

    What I admire about you–your honesty. Honesty is completely endearing. I’m a girl that tends to hide things sometimes. So I am in awe of anyone that can just let it all out. πŸ™‚

  6. nicopolitan says:

    My response is concise: Live life in public, because fate rewards the brave.

  7. tabithablogs says:

    Not gonna lie: I’m a huge jerk. See, since I’ve got a zillion blogs to catch up on, I skimmed some of this instead of reading it all.

    BUT what I did read made me think about this:

    The whole reason I ever started blogging (in freaking 2001, wow I’m old) was because I wanted to keep REAL LIFE friends and family in the loop, in addition to the inevitable it’s-mostly-for-me reason, too. And it was a bummer, for a long time, realizing that either
    a) people wouldn’t remember to read my blog regularly, or
    b) people were seriously offended if I directed them to my blog for updates on my life, because it seemed like I was avoiding actual interaction.

    So I have had to, for the last eight years of blogging, find a balance of some sort. And, actually, making “bloggy friends” (as opposed to IRL friends) has really helped me to find MORE reason and inspiration to blog, because it connects me with people who totally WOULD be my real-life friends but are in some way hindered from that status.

    Anyway, I’m rambling. Basically, you probably know that I keep coming back to your blog because we GET each other. And as for the reason I put all my stuff out there for the world to see? The reasons are endless and always shifting. Sometimes it’s for real-life people to know what’s happening. Sometimes it’s to get a bunch of stuff out of my head to make room for more. Sometimes it’s just because I feel goofy and want to throw it out there and see if anyone else thinks like me. Sometimes my fingers just start twitching and I have to TYPE. (In fact, years ago I used to have a habit of just typing out song lyrics — not MY songs, but other people’s — and posting them. It’s like a freakish therapy, just being able to write something, even if it’s not original.)

    Anyway. You are awesome. And somewhere in there you said something about sending postcards. And I vote we exchange addresses and send each other something fun like that. πŸ™‚

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