will i lose my dignity…

i was walking by the choir room tonight on my way to the band library and i heard a group of students learning parts for the fall musical, ‘rent’. and as i walked by, i thought to myself, ‘how appropriate’.

and if you’re not familiar with it, the lyrics: will i lose my dignity/will someone care/will i wake tomorrow from/this nightmare

now, i know that these people are singing about having AIDS. i know that. but just seemed to fit so well with how i was feeling. sometimes, i wonder why i still feel the need to eat with all the pride i have to swallow every day.

usually, i can make light of it and not let it bother me. but, finally, today i couldn’t do it anymore. i went to go get some food where i work and for whatever reason, i just felt… humiliated. uncomfortable. i mean, seriously, here i am. 23 years old. a college graduate. going back to school. living on campus. depending on a meal plan. waiting in line to eat food made by people i work with.

so what’s so embarrassing about that, you ask?

i don’t have a choice.

i HAVE to live on campus because i can’t afford to pay rent and to commute. i HAVE to have a meal plan because i can’t affod to buy food for myself. it’s the second week of classes and i still don’t have books because i have no money to buy them. my co-workers go to their own apartments every night to eat their own food. i simply feel humiliated.

i’m sure that no one looks down on me or thinks i’m a failure. i’m sure that no one judges me for where i am in life.

but still, i walked across campus to seek solace and comfort in the band library and it took everything inside of me to be able to hold my head up, chin parallel to the ground. because if i had a choice, i wouldn’t be living on campus. i’d be in my own apartment, eating my own food, watching some tv. instead, here i sit. in my room. with my roommate sleeping 4 feet from me. thinking about my meal i had from campus dining.

i’m exhausted from my walk across campus simply because it took so much work to keep my chin up. i canceled plans tonight because i simply couldn’t bear to look anyone in the eye. i just wanted to come back to my own place so i could miserable there. the magic of the band library worked, though. i was happy in there, content in there. but as soon as i left, i felt the same way.

i just feel like i’ve failed. i feel like i had all the tools i needed to succeed and i didn’t use them as well as i could have. right now, i’m not proud of where i am and what i’ve overcome. right now, i just feel like a failure.

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4 thoughts on “will i lose my dignity…

  1. bleighv05 says:

    Alot of what you are feeling are lies from Satan. He’s trying to drag you down. There’s nothing wrong with where you are right now. I see you as having found a passion for helping people…….and this is the road that you have to take to fulfil that passion. Be satisfied that you aren’t living off of the government to make ends meet – just because. You are doing what you HAVE to do so that someday soon you’ll be able to do what you WANT to do. God is taking you on this road for a reason. Let Him work in and through you. This will make you a person who is better able to help those around you. Love you lots!!

  2. tabithablogs says:

    couldn’t have said it better myself. it’s definitely a transition period for you, and as much as it sucks to feel so dependent on things that you “should” be able to handle yourself, don’t let that distract you from knowing you’re where you should be. you’re strong, you’re capable, and you’re pursuing your dream in whatever way you can. heck, try to think about it another way: you don’t have to go grocery shopping or plan meals or pay utilities (or maybe you do)…you can spend that time to devote more energy to your school work, your wonderful boyfriend, and your blog! 😛

  3. courtney903 says:

    you’re beautiful and courageous and you made a decision that was RIGHT for YOU. it does not MATTER what other people think, whether they’re judging you or not. do you remember being a freshman and looking at the 42 year old lady with the bad perm at the front of your math class thinking, “um, seriously?” it only took a semester or two to figure it out, to get over that, right? and that’s just because you were young and naive and stupid. anyone judging you is the same, so obviously their opinions don’t matter. everybody does things differently, and you’re doing it YOUR way. that’s OKAY. you have failed at NOTHING.

  4. Kimwithak says:

    You’re NOT a failure by any stretch of the imagination. If other people are judging you (which they’re probably not) then they’re the ones that are failures. You’re doing what you need to do to get to where you want and need to be. There’s nothing wrong with that.

    We all fail sometimes, but this is not one of those times.

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