i was walking by the choir room tonight on my way to the band library and i heard a group of students learning parts for the fall musical, ‘rent’. and as i walked by, i thought to myself, ‘how appropriate’.
and if you’re not familiar with it, the lyrics: will i lose my dignity/will someone care/will i wake tomorrow from/this nightmare
now, i know that these people are singing about having AIDS. i know that. but just seemed to fit so well with how i was feeling. sometimes, i wonder why i still feel the need to eat with all the pride i have to swallow every day.
usually, i can make light of it and not let it bother me. but, finally, today i couldn’t do it anymore. i went to go get some food where i work and for whatever reason, i just felt… humiliated. uncomfortable. i mean, seriously, here i am. 23 years old. a college graduate. going back to school. living on campus. depending on a meal plan. waiting in line to eat food made by people i work with.
so what’s so embarrassing about that, you ask?
i don’t have a choice.
i HAVE to live on campus because i can’t afford to pay rent and to commute. i HAVE to have a meal plan because i can’t affod to buy food for myself. it’s the second week of classes and i still don’t have books because i have no money to buy them. my co-workers go to their own apartments every night to eat their own food. i simply feel humiliated.
i’m sure that no one looks down on me or thinks i’m a failure. i’m sure that no one judges me for where i am in life.
but still, i walked across campus to seek solace and comfort in the band library and it took everything inside of me to be able to hold my head up, chin parallel to the ground. because if i had a choice, i wouldn’t be living on campus. i’d be in my own apartment, eating my own food, watching some tv. instead, here i sit. in my room. with my roommate sleeping 4 feet from me. thinking about my meal i had from campus dining.
i’m exhausted from my walk across campus simply because it took so much work to keep my chin up. i canceled plans tonight because i simply couldn’t bear to look anyone in the eye. i just wanted to come back to my own place so i could miserable there. the magic of the band library worked, though. i was happy in there, content in there. but as soon as i left, i felt the same way.
i just feel like i’ve failed. i feel like i had all the tools i needed to succeed and i didn’t use them as well as i could have. right now, i’m not proud of where i am and what i’ve overcome. right now, i just feel like a failure.