And who knows but that you have come for such a time as this?*

“Suddenly” (yeah, go check it out)

She feels lost in her own life
Treading water just to keep from slipping under
And she wonders if she’s where she’s supposed to be
Tired of trying to do it right
Her dreams are just too far away to see how steps she’s making might be taking her to who she’ll be

And suddenly it isn’t what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i’m supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

She feels locked in her own life
Scared of what she might lose
If she moves away from who she was
And she’s afraid of being free
There’s a way she knows is right
And she can’t feel the things she knows and so each step she’s taking
Is a step of faith towards who she’ll be

And suddenly it isn’t what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i’m supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

And here where the night is darkest black
She feels the fear
And the light is farthest back
And through her tears
She can see the dawn
Its coming skies will clear
And the light will find her where she’s always been

And suddenly it isn’t what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i’m supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

if you’ve been around my blog for a while, you’ll remember that i used this song in a different post. with a different idea though. a different train of thought.

for those of you who HAVEN’T read every post in my blog, let me catch you up just a little bit. i graduated in December with my WHOLE. LIFE. in order. i was in (what i thought, what i needed to believe was) an awesome relationship with a boy i loved with every last piece of my heart. i was waiting to get married to him. i was walking into a full-time job that would bide the waiting time. i was getting involved in my new church. a lot. i was reading through the old testament, which actually, is pretty interesting as long as you skip the law books (the first 5, yeah they’re pretty dry). life was great.

and then January came. and my relationship ended. and i didn’t get that job. or any other job. so i was heartbroken and unemployed. which spiraled me right back down into depression and self-medication. i bottled up all the rage and anger i felt at said boy until i couldn’t handle it anymore and i lashed out. at him. about him. i alternated between being numb and being in so much pain i couldn’t breathe.

it was pretty painful to watch, pretty painful to be a part of. those who HAVE been around will testify to those thoughts. those feelings. the difficulty of it all.

She feels lost in her own life
Treading water just to keep from slipping under
And she wonders if she’s where she’s supposed to be
Tired of trying to do it right
Her dreams are just too far away to see how steps she’s making might be taking her to who she’ll be

that’s where i was at that time. i couldn’t possibly see where life was going, how this was necessary that i go through this pain and anguish and suffering. what GOOD could POSSIBLY come from all of this. i had no idea. i didn’t want anyone to know that my relationship had ended. it was too painful for me to be able to talk about.

side note/nerd moment IF you’ve read twilight, which i have, you remember in whichever book it was (i think 3, the one that alternated between bella and jacob) and all bella could do was wrap her arms around herself to try to keep from breaking apart? remember that? yeah. that’s how i felt too. i hear ya, bella.

every day was a struggle to make it to the end of the day. but in February, i found a job. and it pretty much paid the bills and whatnot. it wasn’t the greatest job and my attitude, quite frankly, about the job wasn’t the greatest either. we had some rocky spots.

She feels locked in her own life
Scared of what she might lose
If she moves away from who she was
And she’s afraid of being free
There’s a way she knows is right
And she can’t feel the things she knows and so each step she’s taking
Is a step of faith towards who she’ll be

so then my life became like that. i clung desperately to things in my past. i clung to the idea that things would be resolved between ex and i. and slowly, i realized that i had nothing there. i shut out everyone else. i felt so alone. and finally, i reached out to God. because it was all i had. i had responsibilities with church and they saved me. slowly, very slowly, i surrendered myself. i got involved in a recovery group. and i worked through a lot of stuff. i surrendered thoughts. feelings. habits. and eventually my life. i took the broken little pieces of my life and handed them over to God. i didn’t see how any sense could be made of the mess that was my life. i only knew that if anyone could do it, it would be God.

and that has made all the difference.

there were some people that i had to forgive and whose forgiveness i had to ask. talk about terrifying. but i knew i needed to do it. i needed to let go of those fears, those feelings.

And suddenly it isn’t what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i’m supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

and now, as i look back, i see why all those things had to happen. i had to let go of my life. i was claiming to be a Christian, but not really living it. maybe on the outside, but not the inside. and i can see how God loves me too much to let me do that. and how each step i’ve taken has created who i am. the strength that’s in me. the compassion i have. everything about me is better now.

and after all the tears, i was supposed to be here.

i was supposed to be here, at this place, at this time. for greater purposes than i could have ever imagined. how could i have known in December that this massive heartbreak was preparing me for someone i would meet in august? how could i have known that the steps of faith i’ve taken since January were preparing me to help someone else find their way back to God? how could i have known that i would witness the greatest decision anyone could ever make in October? how could i have known that it would be the person that i loved with my whole heart? more than i ever thought possible. how could i have known that my temperament that was created through all this heartache and sorrow and pain would be precisely the temperament that he needed? how could i have known?

people have always told me that it’s the tiny things that make relationship. all the little decisions along the way that make you the perfect person for someone else. if i’d never met my friend R. and she hadn’t known how to say J’s last name. and if J and i hadn’t gotten to know each other through church and a Life Group. and if he didn’t play hockey. and if he hadn’t been so adamant about me meeting someone. and if i hadn’t gone to that party. and if his friend hadn’t asked for my number that night. and if i had run away when i was scared. and if i had let my past color my future so much that i couldn’t live it. if God hadn’t orchestrated everything perfectly, and if i hadn’t listened, i wouldn’t be where i am. i wouldn’t be the person i am. i wouldn’t be perfectly content in my life having no control over it. if i hadn’t let God take the driver’s seat. where would we be?

where would YOU be if God wasn’t guiding your life?

*“For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?” (Esther 4:14, NIV)

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “And who knows but that you have come for such a time as this?*

  1. James says:

    I don’t know where I would be. I just know that everything has brought me to here, to now, to you. I would not trade a bad experience Ive had, or a hurt I had to endure, because it would have possibly put me on another path. Now, with you, and learning to love God, and give myself to Him, life begins to make more sense than it ever has.

  2. nicopolitan says:

    If I were leading a Godless life, I GUARANTEE I’d be getting into all sorts of drugs. Not that I’m not doing that now, but it’s all sparse to moderate, if that. I would probably also charge way too much money for freelance.

    I’d be different, that’s for sure. One has to give credit where credit’s due.

  3. hello!
    you’ve commented on my blog before, so i just wanted to let you know that i moved from blogger to wordpress.
    my new site is:
    http://www.erinuncensored.wordpress.com

    hope to see you around!!!

  4. katyhelena says:

    WOW. So great.
    I love this song, first of all. Secondly, thanks so much for this testimony. It is heartbreaking to walk through those kinds of times…and then it is amazing when we see how God walks us through tears to bring us to where he wants us to be. Hard road to walk, but in the end we’re on our knees, so thankful for His faithfulness.
    God bless you. Way to hang in there.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s