it’s a Psalm 86 kinda day…

Psalm 86

A prayer of David.

1 Hear, O LORD, and answer me,
for I am poor and needy.

2 Guard my life, for I am devoted to you.
You are my God; save your servant
who trusts in you.

3 Have mercy on me, O Lord,
for I call to you all day long.

4 Bring joy to your servant,
for to you, O Lord,
I lift up my soul.

5 You are forgiving and good, O Lord,
abounding in love to all who call to you.

6 Hear my prayer, O LORD;
listen to my cry for mercy.

7 In the day of my trouble I will call to you,
for you will answer me.

8 Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord;
no deeds can compare with yours.

9 All the nations you have made
will come and worship before you, O Lord;
they will bring glory to your name.

10 For you are great and do marvelous deeds;
you alone are God.

11 Teach me your way, O LORD,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.

12 I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.

13 For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.

14 The arrogant are attacking me, O God;
a band of ruthless men seeks my life—
men without regard for you.

15 But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

16 Turn to me and have mercy on me;
grant your strength to your servant
and save the son of your maidservant.

17 Give me a sign of your goodness,
that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
for you, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me.

ever had one of those days where you simply feel emotionally steamrolled? like the day before, everything is fine, nay, even grand. perfect. and then three glasses of wine with dinner later, you can feel all those emotions you’ve been trying to ignore working their way to the surface and then they explode up to the surface and you have no idea what just hit you. and you try to stuff them back down because you’re hanging out with your boyfriend whom you completely adore and you’re supposed to be having fun but these emotions, these feelings, these hurts are just crushing down on your body, weighing down your heart and mind and you just can’t quite stick your head above the surface to breathe.

and then he wants to talk about it. because he cares. because he loves you. because he can see that there’s something going on inside your head and he wants to know. because he wants to know every last thing about you. because he loves you. because he’s not scared of loving you. even though you’re still afraid. even though you still have nagging doubts. and he even wants you to share those. he wants you to talk with no filter, everything that’s going on inside your head. all the painful thoughts. all the strange emotions. all the crazy feelings. even though these thoughts, these emotions, these feelings are contradicting everything you’ve said earlier in the day.

do you ever feel like you’re two different people? like the person you were earlier in the day and the person you are now are two different people just sharing the same body? and you are aware that the other exists, but you have no idea how to relate to them. you can’t even fathom that they were feeling what they were feeling. you have no emotional connection with that other person. and you think about that and you say it out loud and you simply feel crazy. like, should be admitted crazy. and then you try to get away. because you can’t handle being this close to him as you’re saying terrible things and he won’t let you go. he won’t let you get up. he won’t let you run away from him. and he makes you look at him but you almost can’t. because you’re so ashamed of the way you feel. and when you finally do look at him, you see why you didn’t want to look in the first place. because you see that he’s hurt. but you also just see love. painfully unconditional love. and you wonder how he could love you like that because you can’t feel your own for him right now. you wonder if yours even exists. you wonder if you even feel the same way about him or if you’re just pretending. because, in that moment, you simply have no idea. you honestly can’t remember if you feel the same way. you can remember that you say that you love him but you can’t remember actually feeling it. you can’t remember the completely content feeling that you have when you’re around him. you can’t feel how much he calms you when he’s around. you can’t feel anything.

have you ever let your insecurities and hurts get the best of you? have you ever let someone rock you to your core? have you ever let someone completely break you? and watched them walk away while you lay on the floor, paralyzed in pain? have you ever tried to hide those in the deepest corner of your heart hoping that they’d never come out? have you ever looked into the eyes of the man who loves you, for everything you are, and admitted that? and watched the anger in his eyes? the anger that someone hurt the woman he loves like that.

have you ever admitted the darkest corners of your heart to him? the things that you don’t say to anyone else? the things that really WOULD get you admitted? the scary things. the things that maybe no one else knows exists still. your very own personal demons. have you ever had the fear that they’ll decide it’s too much? that they can’t handle being with you? have you ever hidden your dark side with so much intensity that even you forgot it was there for a while?

have you ever been more afraid that he’ll stay than that he’ll leave? that he’ll keep loving you just how you are and not how you might be in a few months? that he’s honestly telling the truth when he says those things? have you ever felt completely safe and completely terrified all the same time? have you ever needed someone to be strong for you because your strength finally ran out?

have you ever known that it’s just right? that everything that happened was meant to happen precisely how it happened?

do you believe that God created one person just for you? someone whose experiences makes them completely perfect for you and how you are? and someone for whom your experiences makes you completely perfect?

17 Give me a sign of your goodness,
that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
for you, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me.

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4 thoughts on “it’s a Psalm 86 kinda day…

  1. katyhelena says:

    Wow. Pretty sure I have felt all of these things and asked all of these questions.
    Praying God wraps his arms around you today.

  2. DeMo says:

    Great Psalm. I have the same prayer for you as Katy.

  3. bleighv05 says:

    The simple answer is yes. But the beauty is that you are not walking this road alone. You are not anywhere other than where you are supposed to be. This is love – all the good, bad and ugly. The hard part is to trust in that love. I heard this weekend the verse – Be still and know that I am God. But in the Hebrew – Be still really should be translated “let go”. So that is my prayer – that you would be able to let go and know that God is God. He will take you to the place of forgiveness…..in his time…..and at the right place. Trust, baby girl! He has given you a wall around your heart as your protection and the day will come when you will hear Him say – it’s okay to tear down the wall now and trust that I will deliver you from this pain. You don’t need it anymore. I wish you could have been with us and heard all the wisdom for these women. And at the end – it all came down to the fact that God loves you – more than you will ever know – and he is crying with you as you fight these fears. He is collecting every tear – he bottles up every tear you shed. That is how precious you are to Him. Let Go and know that God is God. Love you!

  4. tabithablogs says:

    BEAUTIFUL.

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