it’s not that i’m super ready for this semester to be over. that’s not the case at all. i’m loving my classes. i like going to them. i like learning what i’m learning. school is not stressing me out.
this is what IS.
i’m discontent with something else. i’m ready to move on. not to move on from school, not to be done, like i said. i’m ready to move on in life. i’m tired of this temporary, nomadic single life. i want to get married. i want a home. i want somewhere to go at the end of the day that’s mine. the proverbial ‘they’ say that home is where your heart is. my heart is NOT in dahl. my heart is in morris. my heart is in fargo. at the end of the night when i have to go back to dahl, it’s like i’m leaving home for a stranger’s bed. i’m not sleeping in my bed. it’s never going to be my bed. it will always belong to someone else. and who is that person? is the it the school? i don’t know “the school”. i don’t know the person who owns my bed. it’s not mine. it never will be mine. my heart stays in morris and fargo while my body goes to a too hot, too cluttered, unfamiliar place.
i want to clear something up here. it’s not that i hate my roommate. i don’t. i really like her, actually. she’s really cool. we’re a lot alike in living styles minus one major thing. i’m more social than she is. she’d rather stay in while i’d rather go out. again, not a problem. she’s cool. however, i don’t want to live with her. because it’s not home. living with her is not home.
it’s so hard to share a 6×20 space with someone. trying to study in my room is nearly impossible. and where am i going to go? a lounge? where there are going to be other people? i need alone time. i need to study on my own. in my own space. i just want to be in a place that’s familiar. that’s comforting.
also trying to figure out a bible study schedule or a work out schedule with the boyfriend is nearly impossible. it’s not just finding a time for it, but finding a time and a place. and figuring out how that works into both our schedules. and one always has to go to the other.
and maybe this just sounds like i’m whining, but i think that’s the majority of my stress right now. i have this battle in my head of what i need to do and how discontent i am with such a LARGE part of my life. with how much effort something that should be relatively simple takes.
home is where the heart is. and i know where my heart is.