yes, yes it’s true. and official. i’m moving the heck out of this dorm. i absolutely cannot handle being here any more. it’s not my roommate. she’s cool. it’s the actual LIVING in the dorm. it’s the zero privacy. it’s the zero quiet. it’s the lack of control of the temperature of my room. it’s obnoxious girls living on my floor. it’s having nowhere to go that’s MY. OWN. it’s being 23 and FORCED to live here.
5 years ago i was diagnosed with depression. and things very quickly went downhill from there. i was on meds, i was seeing counselors and pastors and psychologists and psychiatrists and still not really improving. it was rough to say the least. i remember how i felt and started acting before things really turned south. now, to be fair, that all went down in october 5 years ago. i’ve made it an additional month and been relatively able to handle the mental and emotional side effects of living on campus. but i’m seeing the patterns start to emerge. i’m feeling the overwhelming lethargy. i’m slacking on my responsibilities. it’s noticeable. i know what i need to do but i’m not doing it. and i don’t really want to. i almost CAN’T do it. i’m simply too overwhelmed. also, my eating and sleeping habits are starting to be affected. not just college student bad eating, no it’s more than that. i’m starting to not WANT to eat. big sign of cari being super stressed. food is the first to go. and i’m having a hard time falling asleep unless i’m super exhausted and then i have a hard time getting up. i have a hard time getting out of bed to do what i need to do. really, it’s just like the LAST time i lived in dahl.
i can’t do that again. i can’t survive a whole year like that. i’ve learned a lot of things about recognizing signs and symptoms and how to re-prioritize and how to cut out the little things to make room for the big things. i’ve learned all of this. i don’t want to go to some counselor or psychologist who’s going to tell me the same stuff. i know what i need to. i’ve been doing it. i’ve rearranged my life. i’ve quit a job, i’ve stopped a few extra-curricular activities trying to reduce stress. it’s not working. i know part of it is hours at my job. i’m there SIX days a week. come january, that WILL change. i can handle it through then because there are two huge breaks in there. i get a bunch of days off. and besides, i have bills to pay. i need to save money. i know that i can rearrange my hours and they will DEAL with me NOT being there every day. everyone will survive. i know that. i’m not necessarily as totally valuable as i might think i am.
besides, working until 7 every night really interferes with cari learning how to play hockey. why? because outdoor rinks turn off their lights at 8. so i’d get 45 mins to play. not. enough. granted, i still have friday, saturday and sunday to skate, still. i’d like to at least have the OPPORTUNITY for more. and my boss is fairly reasonable. she’ll be mostly ok with me cutting down one day. there are things i WANT to do. i WANT to run. i WANT to get in shape. i WANT to learn how to play hockey. when i’m stressed, i feel like i can’t do that. i feel like nothing’s going to work out. it’s too hard living like that. it’s too hard trying to think against myself, you know?
so, really. dahl, i hate you and i don’t want to live in you anymore. so i’m leaving. we’re over. i promise, you’ll find someone else better than me for you anyway. your new relationship will be better. don’t cry. because it’s not going to change my mind. you’re not good for me. i’m moving in with the boyfriend’s grandpa. he’ll be better for me than you. really. i’ll have a whole house to share with one person. not just a room. and i get my own bathroom. it’s just better, dahl. better than you.