**yes i know i already posted today, so don’t read it if you don’t want to, but this was just on my mind and i had to let it out. if you have ANY thoughts (yes, you lurkers too) or opinions or enlightenment, PLEASE do share. i would appreciate any light that can be shed on this confusing subject.**
we’ve been talking about sex a lot in my sociology class lately and find that the more i learn about people around me and how they think, the more i realize that i am so out of touch with today’s reality. but don’t judge me too harshly, i’m a product of my socialization. growing up in a conservative small town, i viewed sex as a HUGE taboo. yes, it’s wonderful. as long as you’re married. but if you have sex before then, you’re a slut and have thousands of STDs and you’re probably pregnant too, you just don’t know it.
that is… if you’re a girl.
if you’re a boy, you better be having sex with as many girls as humanly possible. so that you’re cool. or something? i don’t know. i never really interacted with people who thought like that because it seemed to me that so few of them had any usable brain cells. so not only was i not having sex, i had absolutely no desire to do so either. it simply seemed that if i did, i would end up like them. not so much what i wanted. and don’t get me wrong, my faith had a lot to do with that too, but for now, i’m actually going to leave that out. so just know that faith has a lot to do with this as well, but for now, i’m simply going to take the logical reasoning side (and thinking the way i do and feeling so out of touch with reality probably has a lot to do with that faith, fyi).
so back to not being interested. my thinking was that if sex is what it takes to be cool, and being cool makes me like them, and they are some of the dumbest people i know… why would i want to have sex? following so far?
so now, not ONLY do i NOT want to be like them, i’m ALSO being told by society at large that as a girl, i need to not be having sex because that makes me a slut. i mean, i can tease all i want, but i better not give in (makes me think of rizzo’s song in grease: there are worse things i could do…). because that makes me dirty. and i don’t want to be dirty either. according to society. i need to be pristine and pure. either that or i need to be a turbo slut. there seems to be no middle ground on that. OR if i AM having sex, i need to keep it on the dl. because i am a sexual gatekeeper. i decide when and where and how and why. apparently. because that is my role as a woman.
fast forward a few years. i’ve got some college under my belt. i’m in a relationship. however, EVEN THOUGH i’m in that relationship, i’m not really allowed to have friends that are males. can’t REALLY go out to eat one on one with them. because suddenly i’m cheating. or might be thinking about it. or i’m unsatisfied in my relationship. in fact, if i’m out with another male friend, i’m probably considering having sex with him. just for fun. right? OR, say i’m NOT in a relationship and i still have dinner with said guy. we can’t JUST be friends. i mean really, who does that? we’re probably having sex, right? because we can. even though we’re not together. which is a boon for him. but a source of judgment for me. especially since when people find out that we’re NOT dating. well then what are we doing? we can’t JUST be friends? no. males and females cannot JUST be friends. there must always be some sexual element to it.
is this strange to anyone else? am i even making sense?
so fast forward another couple years. in a DIFFERENT relationship. we’ve decided that sex is not going to be part of the relationship pre-marriage. it’s just not going to happen. not that we think it’s a horrible dirty thing. that’s not it. it’s more that sex is such a huge thing in so many relationships, i wonder what else is there. what other interests are shared? do they really know each other? i/we didn’t want sex to become the primary relationship builder. believe it or not, there is so much more to me than my vagina. i would much rather get to know his brain, his mind, his personality first. not that i’m not INCREDIBLY attracted to his body, don’t get me wrong. i am. but when i think about him, i want to be able to think of other things that i enjoy with him as well.
so then comes the interesting part. because we’ve decided to not have this be part of the relationship yet, he’s gay and i’m frigid. or something. but now, after i’ve been told to be pure and to be the gatekeeper, i’m supposed to open the gate simply because we’re in a relationship. it’s like, the social requirement for me has been met. there is now something WRONG with me/us because it’s not happening. we’re not ACTUALLY attracted to each other. it’s like having some sort of self control is strange and weird and unacceptable. and what’s more, people look more down on him than on me. so it’s not necessarily that i’m being frigid, but i should be letting him sleep with me. it’s like, he’s made his payment so now where’s his reward?
am i still making sense? i don’t feel like i am, but i’m really processing all of this.
so i find this double standard to be incredibly interesting and frustrating at the same time. how it’s ok and not ok at the same time. it’s ok for me to hold it back as long as i’m not in a relationship but as soon as i get in one, i better be putting out. and it’s ok for him to not be having it because it shows that he loves and respects me but it’s not ok for him to not be having it because he’s a man and that’s what men deserve in their relationships and it’s a hit to his ego to not be getting any.
i simply don’t understand the thought process (or lack thereof) behind all of this.