sex on my mind…

**yes i know i already posted today, so don’t read it if you don’t want to, but this was just on my mind and i had to let it out. if you have ANY thoughts (yes, you lurkers too) or opinions or enlightenment, PLEASE do share. i would appreciate any light that can be shed on this confusing subject.**

we’ve been talking about sex a lot in my sociology class lately and find that the more i learn about people around me and how they think, the more i realize that i am so out of touch with today’s reality. but don’t judge me too harshly, i’m a product of my socialization. growing up in a conservative small town, i viewed sex as a HUGE taboo. yes, it’s wonderful. as long as you’re married. but if you have sex before then, you’re a slut and have thousands of STDs and you’re probably pregnant too, you just don’t know it.

that is… if you’re a girl.

if you’re a boy, you better be having sex with as many girls as humanly possible. so that you’re cool. or something? i don’t know. i never really interacted with people who thought like that because it seemed to me that so few of them had any usable brain cells. so not only was i not having sex, i had absolutely no desire to do so either. it simply seemed that if i did, i would end up like them. not so much what i wanted. and don’t get me wrong, my faith had a lot to do with that too, but for now, i’m actually going to leave that out. so just know that faith has a lot to do with this as well, but for now, i’m simply going to take the logical reasoning side (and thinking the way i do and feeling so out of touch with reality probably has a lot to do with that faith, fyi).

so back to not being interested. my thinking was that if sex is what it takes to be cool, and being cool makes me like them, and they are some of the dumbest people i know… why would i want to have sex? following so far?

so now, not ONLY do i NOT want to be like them, i’m ALSO being told by society at large that as a girl, i need to not be having sex because that makes me a slut. i mean, i can tease all i want, but i better not give in (makes me think of rizzo’s song in grease: there are worse things i could do…). because that makes me dirty. and i don’t want to be dirty either. according to society. i need to be pristine and pure. either that or i need to be a turbo slut. there seems to be no middle ground on that. OR if i AM having sex, i need to keep it on the dl. because i am a sexual gatekeeper. i decide when and where and how and why. apparently. because that is my role as a woman.

fast forward a few years. i’ve got some college under my belt. i’m in a relationship. however, EVEN THOUGH i’m in that relationship, i’m not really allowed to have friends that are males. can’t REALLY go out to eat one on one with them. because suddenly i’m cheating. or might be thinking about it. or i’m unsatisfied in my relationship. in fact, if i’m out with another male friend, i’m probably considering having sex with him. just for fun. right? OR, say i’m NOT in a relationship and i still have dinner with said guy. we can’t JUST be friends. i mean really, who does that? we’re probably having sex, right? because we can. even though we’re not together. which is a boon for him. but a source of judgment for me. especially since when people find out that we’re NOT dating. well then what are we doing? we can’t JUST be friends? no. males and females cannot JUST be friends. there must always be some sexual element to it.

is this strange to anyone else? am i even making sense?

so fast forward another couple years. in a DIFFERENT relationship. we’ve decided that sex is not going to be part of the relationship pre-marriage. it’s just not going to happen. not that we think it’s a horrible dirty thing. that’s not it. it’s more that sex is such a huge thing in so many relationships, i wonder what else is there. what other interests are shared? do they really know each other? i/we didn’t want sex to become the primary relationship builder. believe it or not, there is so much more to me than my vagina. i would much rather get to know his brain, his mind, his personality first. not that i’m not INCREDIBLY attracted to his body, don’t get me wrong. i am. but when i think about him, i want to be able to think of other things that i enjoy with him as well.

so then comes the interesting part. because we’ve decided to not have this be part of the relationship yet, he’s gay and i’m frigid. or something. but now, after i’ve been told to be pure and to be the gatekeeper, i’m supposed to open the gate simply because we’re in a relationship. it’s like, the social requirement for me has been met. there is now something WRONG with me/us because it’s not happening. we’re not ACTUALLY attracted to each other. it’s like having some sort of self control is strange and weird and unacceptable. and what’s more, people look more down on him than on me. so it’s not necessarily that i’m being frigid, but i should be letting him sleep with me. it’s like, he’s made his payment so now where’s his reward?

am i still making sense? i don’t feel like i am, but i’m really processing all of this.

so i find this double standard to be incredibly interesting and frustrating at the same time. how it’s ok and not ok at the same time. it’s ok for me to hold it back as long as i’m not in a relationship but as soon as i get in one, i better be putting out. and it’s ok for him to not be having it because it shows that he loves and respects me but it’s not ok for him to not be having it because he’s a man and that’s what men deserve in their relationships and it’s a hit to his ego to not be getting any.

i simply don’t understand the thought process (or lack thereof) behind all of this.


6 thoughts on “sex on my mind…

  1. James says:

    I do find it strange as well. The reason it is hard to compute is because there is not a whole lot of sense to be made of it.

    Also, people can say what they want about me, and that is fine. It really does not bother me in the slightest. We both know the truth of what we feel,and how we feel and that is all that matters. I will put our relationship against the “socially acceptable” or “standard” relationship any day.

    The fact of the matter is, that we are in the “MTV” era. Most people feel the ways they do and never use their brains to wonder why they feel that way, or how they feel justified in tossing around labels just because our relationship does not replicate theirs.

    I blame the hip-hop.

  2. Kristin says:

    I think you are right in some ways. However I have plenty of girlfriends who sleep around as much as dudes and have the same “get as much as you can” mentality. I think ever since TV shows like Sex in the City became popular, it’s become a misconception (and who knows, maybe it’s an accurate depiction) that EVERYONE has sex ALL THE TIME.

    I don’t think you should be worried about what everyone else thinks. It’s what you two feel is right, and what YOU feel you should do and if you’re in a good relationship, it’ll ultimately come down to you both being sexually pure all for the glory of God.

    Besides, who cares what everyone else thinks anyway. Jesus said that we would be persecuted for following Him right? That the world won’t understand. And they don’t. So don’t worry about the world’s “thought process” behind stereotypes and social standards. The only thing that matters is God’s standards and how He wants you to be happy and healthy.

    love you!

  3. Rachel says:

    I can completely understand where you are coming from on all of this. Society makes a huge deal about sex and whether people believe it is okay or not okay, they always believe it in the extreme and I think that is the problem. It doesn’t give us as individuals much room to make our own decisions. I have had certain ideas about sex burned into me as an adolescent that I am still trying to overcome so I can make my own decisions.

    So basically it’s a hard topic no matter who you are or what you’ve grown up believing. I have decided that it doesn’t matter what society thinks about whether I am having sex or not and who I am having it with. People are going to judge you no matter what you do. And that goes for other subjects as well. Society will judge me on my looks, my clothes, my attitude, and everything else about me but it ends up being the best when I ignore all that and work on trying to be happy about my own decisions for my own reasons because that is tough enough as it is.

  4. Courtney says:

    I’m with James. I blame hip-hop.

    No, really, though… Sex is something I NEVER talk about. On my blog anyway. You and I threw around a few implications and confessions and impure thoughts (gasp!) a few months back when I was going through We All Know What so you know I talk about it… but not… publicly, I guess. But I’m here to confess that I Don’t Get It either. I think expectations are definitely in place, but I think expectations differ from person to person and relationship to relationship and it really throws me for a loop. For a very long time, I was No Sex ’til Marriage Girl, and a lot of the time, I think I still am. It’s a faith thing, too, I guess, but I have also been that girl who Just Didn’t Want To… for many of the same reasons you stated but also because… I don’t know, really. Reasons maybe I’m not comfortable admitting, even to myself? The truth is, I envy girls who are unafraid to just do it (to put it rather crudely) and aren’t ashamed to talk about it or live it. Who accept it and live it out loud. Because there some people who wait until marriage and maintain this mindset about how beautiful it is within marriage, but too many of us (me included) get bogged down in what the opposite must mean– that it’s dirty and sinful otherwise… and maybe I’m scared that once I get married, I won’t be able to turn that voice off that says This Is Wrong. For me, it’s not about what other people are saying… it’s what MY head is saying to me. And I can’t straighten it out. And I wonder if I’m not the only one?


    I would never say this on my own blog. My mother reads it. I’m not sure if I answered ANY of your questions or just went off on a complete tangent but it felt good, anyway. Thanks for bearing with me.

  5. LensFlare says:

    I think these double standards and strange, unbalanced “rules” have probably been in place for a lot longer than we can imagine, however until recent decades it hasn’t been as openly discussed or as accepted. I think James is also mostly correct in saying we are in the MTV era. Just what does that entail? In short it’s the “do it if it feels good” mentality, and the mentality that there should be no consequences either (can we say on demand abortion?). Meanwhile I would say almost everyone has at least some background with a set of moral values. Even in the most liberal of minds most, somewhere in the back, will have the feeling that free sex is not morally right. So, what you end up with is a strange hybrid of double standards. Certainly the prevailing mainstream thinking still continues in the do it if you feel good direction.

  6. bleighv05 says:

    Everyone has had these questions from almost the beginning of time. But it truly came out in the open during the 60’s Love Revolution. That’s when society truly “came out” about sex. People have justified sex outside of marriage for centuries – hidden it – lied about it – or even flaunted it. I believe that it is the issue that it is – mainly because people can’t stand being told not to do something – based on something so “archaic” as the Bible (gasp!! does anyone really read it?????) Sex is beautiful within marriage and can be pretty ugly and painful outside of it. The whole concept of oneness within a marriage is portrayed best in the sexual relationship. But how can you have “oneness” if you’re with one person after another after another, ad infinitum??? You lose the value of what that relationship is supposed to be like. Then you finally get married and suddenly – you’re ashamed. I believe that this is exactly where Satan gets his claws into us – he tells us sex is good and do it……then brings on the shame when you do. It’s a nasty cycle that continues and continues until you finally confront the source and say enough. I want my children to follow God’s commands and not the world’s. Look how screwed up the world is. Why would we WANT to follow society’s rules when it can’t even rule itself? So let the world say what it will and follow the values that you can live with…………and you know what I think those are!!

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