on getting real and being specific…

mayhaps this title is a bit familiar to you but you don’t really know why. mayhaps you heard it somewhere? OR, and this is the most probable explanation, i stole it.

yes i did. i stole the title from tabitha. from her post of the same title.

and i agree with her. i haven’t gone through that specific study before, but i know what she means.

and i want to thank you. all of you. maybe you’re confused. let me clear things up.

i didn’t always used to be so open. in fact, i used to be almost as closed as someone could be. i was never completely certain of my thoughts, my feelings, my opinions. i wasn’t sure if they were the ‘right’ thing to think or say, especially being a Christian. i felt that i had to say and think and do all the right things. which is particularly annoying because sometimes the person that you are and the person that all the “good” Christians say you should be are different. so i would just keep my mouth shut.

but lately, i’ve been more and more open. i tried to open up more when i dated the last boy. i tried to be honest. i tried to be open. it usually ended in some sort of fight or argument because of miscommunication. because one of us said something and the other misinterpreted it. so i closed up again. i would sort of open up to friends, but not very far and certainly not open up the depths of my soul. not that i thought they would reject me, but i was just very uncomfortable with sharing.

however. as of the past year, i’ve opened up more and more. i think having your heart shattered into a million tiny pieces helps with that. because suddenly you’re not strong enough to do it on your own. suddenly, you’re focusing so much on just trying to breathe. on just trying to get from one day to the next. and so i shared that. i’m part of a college-age bible study group through church and i opened a lot to them. it’s a fairly large group and so it was hard, but i opened up. i shared that i had struggles. i didn’t share too many specifics, though, because i didn’t necessarily want them all knowing about my issues and problems and addictions. i didn’t want them to know. but i did want to be honest. i wanted to be real. i wanted to be the same person sunday morning, tuesday afternoon, friday night.

and so i made the choice to try to be that person. to really try. to trust God to take care of me no matter what. no matter how much of a mess i made my life. no matter how much or how little i wanted to listen to and obey Him. no matter how many wrong paths i took. i wanted to be back on the right path. i wanted to get back on the straight and narrow. the only problem with that is that you have be really real with people. they have to know your struggles. they have to know your weaknesses. you have to be honest. you have to be real. you have to be open.

there are a few people who deserve a lot of the credit. Musician, for one. Musician was able, for whatever reason, to drag things out of me that i wouldn’t say to anyone else. of course, this begs the question did he drag it out or was i just so willing and wanting to finally say it that someone with the least amount of prompting could have gotten it out of me? i don’t know. i don’t know the answer to that. but here’s the thing: he learned a lot about me. some would say too much, but whatever. he’s still there. he’s still around. i haven’t scared him off with my crazy talk. he’s been patient when he needs to be and a completely asshole when he needs to be. sometimes he’s hard for me to deal with. sometimes i’m not able to read him, but he’s still there and i can say pretty much anything and he doesn’t judge me or hate on me except in jest. which is fine.

others are some of my IRL friends. who have been there all along. they have been there when i’ve been open, closed, up, down, sane, crazy, strong and weak. they’ve seen it all. and they’re still around. not in physical proximity, but they’re there.

and my bloggy friends. they’re completely supportive. even long ago when i was crazy and ranting about the same stuff all the time. they understood. they never stopped coming or reading (to my knowledge) because i was ranting about being hurt again. they cared more that i was moving on, that even though i was hurting, i was processing, i was healing. i’ve made a really good friend out of that. sometimes i have no idea what i would do without her. because we’re so much alike. we think alike. we process alike. we get each other. totally.

and lastly, but definitely not least, is my boyfriend. from the beginning, we’ve made a real effort to be completely open and honest. no questions. no nagging thoughts. no doubts. no judging. we’re committed to that. to not letting ‘me’ be more important than ‘we’. to make the other person say what they need to say, no matter how uncomfortable it is. no matter how awkward it is. because in the end, it’s better. it’s better to be real. it’s better to be honest.

and in doing all that, i’m more willing to be brutally honest here. even though there are people who read and never say anything. i don’t really mind. it would be nice to know what they are thinking, but i’m not terribly concerned. i realize that people who i might not know very well are getting a very intimate look into my life and my mind, so they know lots of things about me and i know pretty much nothing about them. i’m more open with my family which is another area i’ve struggled in being open. but lately, i’ve been much more open to them, sharing more, telling them how i really feel about things and them. i think i’ve grown much closer to them, which is awesome. we’ve actually been a pretty close family but now we’re even closer, i think. or at least i am to everyone. i like it when my whole family gets together and we hang out and socialize and just have fun.

when people ask me how i’m doing or feeling, i’m much more open to them too. i tell them how it really is. how i’m really feeling. not always just a ‘fine’ and go about my way. sometimes i do, but not always now. in fact, a ‘fine’ is much less common coming from me than anything else. and i like that. i like to be connected to people, really truly connected. i don’t do small talk well. i don’t do forced conversations. i’ve decided that i don’t need to either. if there’s nothing to say, i say nothing. i don’t need to fill silence with noise.

but when it comes to being real and open and honest, count me in. when it comes to feelings, good or bad, count me in. when it comes to be close to people, count me in. because you never grow unless you’re out of your comfort zone. is it uncomfortable sharing here sometimes? yes. are some of the things i say some things that i (or other people) would normally keep to themselves? yeah. but then where have we gotten? there is all this technology around to connect people and yet people seem to be more disconnected than ever. i think the technology has nothing to do with it – it’s the effort put in by those who USE the technology. i like it when people know me. i want people to know me. i want to know other people. and yes, it’s risky. someday, something i’ve said on here might come back to haunt me. and it might not. but has every post, every meaningful post been worth it? absolutely.

so, like i said, thank you. thank you all for being open and welcoming to me. thanks for ‘listening’ and ‘chatting’ with me. for sharing your opinions. for giving advice when wanted and not wanted. thanks for engaging. it makes doing this worth it. really.

how about you? are you still hiding?

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One thought on “on getting real and being specific…

  1. tabithablogs says:

    has every post been worth it?

    ABSOLUTELY. i am right there with ya, and so glad that my thoughts spurred on your thoughts.

    happy to share my title with you, too. anytime. 🙂

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