i know it’s been a while again. i’ve definitely had some awesome ideas, though, over the past couple weeks. like i had an AWESOME pearl harbor day post worked out in my head but never had time to get it down. and then the next day, i had another great one. but with the end of school and finals and all this wedding biz-nass, i just haven’t had time for my favorite interwebs world. but fear not, those who read, i’ve got one for you today. and hopefully it will be good.
i was thinking last night about the future. and how huge it is. and how long it is. and how uncertain it seems. i have a plan, i really do. get married, finish my bachelor’s in psychology, go to seminary, get my doctorate, have a family, etc. not necessarily in that order, of course.
(and to whom it might interest, i was sitting cross legged for a while and now that i’ve changed positions, my foot is painfully waking up. i hate that. you know where it’s so painful you don’t even want to move it. aye, yeah. suck.)
i was thinking about all that and i really got myself overwhelmed. you all know how easy that is sometimes, right? i mean, getting married. am i nervous? oh yeah. does a tiny part of me wonder if i’m crazy? absolutely. i think i might be even crazier if i didn’t. however, am i completely and totally sure that he is the one for me? yes. having been in another long relationship that had promise of going this direction and being disappointed constantly, i know what a bad relationship is. i know what an unhealthy relationship is. this is none of that. this relationship, i can honestly say, can be nothing other than brought together by the perfect timing of God. how many times have we talked about it? so many. the timing of it couldn’t possibly have been any better. our outlook on it? pretty much the same. our position on things like raising kids and finances? pretty much spot on. we’re very realistic about everything. we know that things are not perfect, we know that we are not perfect. but that isn’t what makes me nervous. i’m not afraid of him someday looking at me and saying, ‘you know, i don’t think that you’re what i was looking for.’ no. that doesn’t worry me. i’m nervous because forever is a long time. and yeah, we could wait. we would definitely survive, but when looking at the timing of life, of my life, of our life, waiting doesn’t make sense. we would be trying to do SO much in one summer, our brains would explode. we’d be wedding planning, job and apartment hunting, working on moving, me graduating again all at the same time. i know the list isn’t that long, but those are BIG things. that’s a LOT of stuff in a short amount of time. this way, we’re only doing one huge thing at a time. getting married. seminary hunting and job hunting. graduating. moving. that’s much more doable, especially for a macro person such as myself. i see the big picture. i have a hard time seeing the little pictures one at a time. i see them, but they’re all part of the big one. and i see how huge it is and i see how much work it’s going to take and my brain explodes.
(and if you were wondering, my foot is better now. several minutes later…)
i’m also nervous about seminary. more schooling. and it’s hard work. i forgot how much work school is. i’m not going to lie, i didn’t work terribly hard on my music degree. i didn’t put in all the time necessary to do it really really well. part of it is that school is easy for me. i’m a bright person. i pick things up quickly. and then i overestimate how well i know things and it comes back to bite me because i’m not putting in the time. i want to be a really good student. i want to get the really good grades. i just have to learn how to buckle down and actually do it. i have to make priorities. and i have to stick with them. there are so many things i want to do with my time and i forget that everything takes time. this past semester, i did a lot of evaluating the things in my life. i evaluated friendships, commitments, jobs, extracurriculars. and then i cut the ones that weren’t as important to me. because i had to make time for school. and work. and a boyfriend. and my close friends. and church. and my faith. all of these things take time. and i know that i’ve been neglecting all of them at some points. at one point or another, i’ve taken time from one to give to another. i was running myself into the ground. and so i made changes. and they’ve all been positive. i haven’t regretted a single change. and i know that there are more coming up this semester. i’ll again be re-evaluating things that i think are important. i will be evaluating my church life groups and seeing what stage of life i’m in and how that will affect the group i choose to be in. i love the one i’m in now, don’t get me wrong, but i don’t think that it’s where i am in life anymore. i think it’s time to move on, time for the next step. and there’s nothing wrong with that. there’s nothing wrong with taking a step forward. that’s what life is all about. i don’t want to feel stagnant. i think i’ve got some good things going right now. i’ve talked at length with a good friend of mine about this and we both are pretty much at the same place. i simply think that we’re looking for more than this group can offer at this point. we’ve got two other bible study type things going on outside this group to try to fill that, which is good. i think it’s good. i think it’s good that we’re actively pursuing this. we’re actively pursuing our faith. and i love it.
that’s another thing that makes me nervous. this friend of mine, the past four summers has had the same thing happen. she gets really close to someone spiritually, and then they get married and hardly ever talk to her again. i’m TERRIFIED of doing the same thing. i remember chats with her when i first met the now fiance and i told her that i didn’t want to do that. i didn’t want to be the one that ignores my friends because of a boyfriend. and i know that it happened some. part of it was that life got busy for the two of us. part of it was that the boyfriend had the time to hang out. part of it was that the boyfriend was my escape from dorm life that i hated. but i know that it got better. i realized it. i called her. we started hanging out more. it’s been awesome. and i would HATE to lose out on this friendship. she’s so awesome, i can’t even tell you. i’m so glad that i have a friend like her. someone who challenges me, someone who makes me think, someone who wants the same things i want. God really blessed me with her as well. i’m so thankful. i really am.
i’m nervous and excited about the future. i do know that if these are all things that God desires, they will come to pass. i know that i have to put the work in, but He’s creating the opportunities, He’s opening and closing doors, He’s doing all the heavy lifting. i just have to trust and follow. lean on Him for strength and never forget that the fiance is not God. the fiance cannot fill those places of my heart. sometimes i forget. and then i’m gently reminded of my true first love. and i smile and walk back to His arms, where i truly belong.