the pain you leave with me…

dear —-

do i use your name? do i not? i’m not sure. i can pretty much guarantee that you won’t read this. i can almost guarantee that those who know you won’t read this. and even if you do, even if they do, does it matter? should it matter?

i was thinking about you today. well, i guess that’s not an entirely true statement. i was unwillingly and unwittingly reminded of you today. see, i was on facebook. on a mutual friend’s page. and there you were. with her. again. i thought that was over. though i’m sure it doesn’t matter what i thought. or if i noticed. or knew that you were together or broken up.

i know that it was me who finally ended everything. ended communication. ended the acceptability of us being in each other’s lives. it was me who said that there was no room for each other.

not that you fought. not that you ever fought. at least not for me. against me you did. criticize and put me down, you did. made me believe that i wasn’t worth loving or able to be loved until i was better and different, you did. you took what was bright and shiny and new and hopeful about me and you tried to change it. and i became dim and dull and old and hopeless. i became something else and you were surprised.

and through it all, i chose to love you. to trust you. to depend on you. though i was let down time after time. because love is a choice.

and then you left me.

and all that remained was my pain.

and all that still remains is my pain.

my anger is gone. my hate is gone. just a dull ache that lives inside my soul. and every time i see you or hear about you, it flares up. my chest tightens and my heart aches. my mind flails, looking for something. looking for a reason to not feel like this. looking for a reason to tell me why i care. why it bothers me. why i allow you to hurt me still.

and even if you did read this, what would it accomplish? probably nothing. you’re not one to step up. at least you weren’t when you were with me. what would it fix? what would make this better? i don’t know.

i wish i could forget you. i wish i could not care about you. but that’s not possible. and so, for now, i have to live with the pain you leave with me.

–cari

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5 thoughts on “the pain you leave with me…

  1. Kimwithak says:

    What an amazing letter. That heart ache you talk of is so…well, you just write it so well.

  2. imerika says:

    i lived with that pain for two years after a four and half year relationship. it feels so good when you finally let go. i know you’ll get there one day, so just hold on for now until you’re strong enough to move forward.

  3. courtney says:

    i know i already owe you a song (thinking on it– it has to be perfect. i’m sure you understand) but the last line of this letter and the title here? i might steal it. and write a song with it. don’t sue me.

    and darling… you are incredible, and you just have to remember that he never saw the REAL you if he never thought you were good enough. and guess what? you’ve got someone else who DOES.

    • cari says:

      i will absolutely not sue you. as long as i get a bone fide courtney copy of it, i’m happy.

      you make my heart smile so much dear.

  4. James says:

    Cari,

    I hate the pain you feel, I hate him for doing it to you. I feel helpless at times because I cannot take that pain away. In some ways I have to be thankful for the pain and lessons you learned with him. If not for those things, you would never likely even know me and I would never have the chance to be with the love of my life.

    I promise that this pain will subside. You will have new feelings of joy and love that will slowly replace the hurt. It may take years before it happens, but I will love you for as long as I live and I KNOW that the hurt will heal over time. I will be here for you at every turn in our lives. I will walk beside you, proud of the woman you are.

    I see all the amazing things that you are. I see your faults and flaws, and everything else that makes up Cari. I love EVERY single thing about you. As your husband, I can promise you that I will never lose sight of how wonderful you are. I will never turn away from you and I will always fight for you.

    Anyways, I got lost in my ramble. I better start working.

    I love you, and always will.

    -James

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