do i use your name? do i not? i’m not sure. i can pretty much guarantee that you won’t read this. i can almost guarantee that those who know you won’t read this. and even if you do, even if they do, does it matter? should it matter?
i was thinking about you today. well, i guess that’s not an entirely true statement. i was unwillingly and unwittingly reminded of you today. see, i was on facebook. on a mutual friend’s page. and there you were. with her. again. i thought that was over. though i’m sure it doesn’t matter what i thought. or if i noticed. or knew that you were together or broken up.
i know that it was me who finally ended everything. ended communication. ended the acceptability of us being in each other’s lives. it was me who said that there was no room for each other.
not that you fought. not that you ever fought. at least not for me. against me you did. criticize and put me down, you did. made me believe that i wasn’t worth loving or able to be loved until i was better and different, you did. you took what was bright and shiny and new and hopeful about me and you tried to change it. and i became dim and dull and old and hopeless. i became something else and you were surprised.
and through it all, i chose to love you. to trust you. to depend on you. though i was let down time after time. because love is a choice.
and then you left me.
and all that remained was my pain.
and all that still remains is my pain.
my anger is gone. my hate is gone. just a dull ache that lives inside my soul. and every time i see you or hear about you, it flares up. my chest tightens and my heart aches. my mind flails, looking for something. looking for a reason to not feel like this. looking for a reason to tell me why i care. why it bothers me. why i allow you to hurt me still.
and even if you did read this, what would it accomplish? probably nothing. you’re not one to step up. at least you weren’t when you were with me. what would it fix? what would make this better? i don’t know.
i wish i could forget you. i wish i could not care about you. but that’s not possible. and so, for now, i have to live with the pain you leave with me.