… and not in a bad way. not in a looking down on you because you don’t have the successes i do or anything like that.
this is strictly a proud of my fiance mood. proud of the steps he’s taken recently. proud of the way he works. proud of the way he treats me. proud of the man he is. i want to parade him to the whole world and shout ‘do you see what you’ve left behind, world? do you see what you were never able to catch? do you see what God was able to catch and to bring to me?’ or whatever direction that last question would go.
i could never in a million years have imagined the man that he is. i could never have imagined all the wonderful things about him in one person. sure, in four or five, but one? just one? no way. i had been convinced that if i wanted to get married, there were certain things i had to sacrifice. i would have to sacrifice conversation or responsibility or maturity or i would have to deal with a volatile temper. i always thought that SOMETHING would be missing, something that i desperately wanted or even needed. i never thought that i could honestly have it all.
and now, i look at the man that stands beside me. and i see someone who is perfect for me (well, minus being short and liking country music, but those are things with which i can most certainly cope and live). but to find someone who’s personality is so much like mine, despite having such different upbringings, was something unheard of for me. and then to find someone whose strengths are my weaknesses and whose weaknesses are my strengths. to be so perfectly matched and balanced is something that only God could have orchestrated so well. only He could know exactly what the other person needed and only He could custom build us to match so perfectly.
and not only am i proud of him, but i’m proud of me. i’m proud of the woman i’m becoming. i’m proud of how far and how open and how resilient i truly am. i’m so glad that someone could hold me up to the light so that i can see all those things too. so that i can look at myself and see positives and strengths instead of negatives and weaknesses. i never fathomed that someone could show me so much of myself and such wonderful things about myself. i had imagined that the only way i’d ever be seen is a collection of things that needed to change first. something with promise. something with potential. but never something that was fully arrived or developed to begin with. i had thought that there would always be that something missing. that little dream that i had to let go of. an unhappiness that i had to accept.
fortunately, long before the fiance came along, God was working on me, getting me ready. He was developing a set of characteristics that would be perfect for one man. He was developing a character that is strong and resilient and a heart that is tender and kind and empathetic. He was developing someone who could take all that this man had to offer, all the good things, all the bad things, all the hurtful things and be able to see someone beautiful. to be able to see someone as a human, as a person. to see someone who deserved a chance. and i’m so glad and i’m so proud of him. i’m excited to start our lives together. i’m excited to see where we go and what we do. i’m excited for everything.