as the nerves kick in and the shiz i says sometimes…

this past weekend was dedicated to two things. me relaxing. and getting wedding stuff done. both definitely occurred. one left me with a rather unexpected side effect.

the pre-wedding nerves/jitters/cold feet.

whatever you want to call it.

it just that the more wedding stuff we get done, the more real this all becomes. the more real the whole situation is. we’re currently 59 days out. and i’m more and more terrified. how do i know i’m making the right decision? what if we’re reading this all wrong? what if, what if, what if? and there are even those feelings that don’t really have names. just… manifestation of emotion. manifestation of anxiety. and i don’t know what’s causing it. the invites are beautiful. they really look wonderful. and the flower/hair bobby pin things look great. and the boutonnières are done. though sometimes i wonder if they look ok. james tells me they do, but sometimes i wonder if they don’t look a little too homemade, you know? but, you know really, what does it matter if they do? i started out being so relaxed about this wedding and everything going on and now the closer i get, the more i wonder and the more i worry… is it going to be everything i hope it will be? are people going to like the decorations? are they too simple? are we showing that we care? are people going to see that we really love each other or are they just going to see that we’re poor and didn’t spend a lot on the wedding? a friend of mine is getting married two weeks before me. what if her wedding is just perfect and everything looks so wonderful and then i get to all my stuff and i think it’s awful?

WHO IS THIS GIRL AND WHAT HAS SHE DONE WITH CARI?!?!

i’m so worried about things that simply. don’t. matter. i’m anxious over things that simply. don’t. matter. this is going to be one wedding out of the WHOLE. SUMMER. OF. WEDDINGS. there’s probably not going to be anything that makes mine stick out over someone else’s. and whatever. doesn’t matter, right? what matters is that i walk away a wife. a happy wife. and he walks away a husband. a happy husband. why all this concern over things that are so trivial? i think and i think and i look at our orange and yellow stuff that’s starting to completely clutter james’ GINORMOUS walk-in closet and i wonder if this is all right. if this is the right thing. if maybe we really are (again) moving too fast. the hardest thing is that i can’t verbalize my fears very well. i don’t really know what they are. all i can see are symptoms. and ridiculous ‘what ifs’.

honestly, i think that reality is just that this is big. this is huge. and, like any normal human who has to wait for an eternity for the manifestation or conclusion of a huge decision, i question. i wonder. not that i think we’re really doing the wrong thing. not that i think we’re wrong for each other. i’m just freaking out a little. i’m sure it’s all normal and whatnot but i’ve just been so ‘whatever’ about this wedding thus far and just now i’m starting to freak out.

i think i just want someone to tell me that i’m normal and that there’s really nothing to worry about. someone other than james. haha.

the shiz i says sometimes…

james made mac n’cheese for me last night as i was having the previously shared minor mental breakdown. and then this conversation ensues as i’m eating it directly out of the pan with a ridiculously large spoon.

me: i was part of a psychology research project that was measuring anxiety and comfort food. noodles are my comfort food. so whenever i get stressed out, i could just live on noodles.

james: so like… spaghetti? and mac n’ cheese? and ramen?

me: yeah. doesn’t really matter what kind of noodles. they just make me feel better.

james: well babe, i’m all noodles.

me: complete with your own meat and sauce, too.

james: you know it.

(as i’m taking my last bite of the mac n’ cheese)

james: so if that (pointing to the pan i’m eating out of) isn’t a testament to my love for you, i don’t know what is.

me: you mean a pan devoid of noodles?

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7 thoughts on “as the nerves kick in and the shiz i says sometimes…

  1. Mary says:

    my mom often says that people make way too big a deal out of the wedding and not a big enough a deal about the marriage. and this is one thing that I think she’s actually right about! there’s such an emphasis placed on us that its “the most important day” of our lives and that we should spend spend spend, make it huge, so memorable. but you know, its a short day, that goes by super fast. I run sound for weddings, so I’ve seen a ton of them, and I think the most important thing is that you have some great music that means something to you, hopefully played by people that are your friends. And that you don’t chomp on a piece of gum down the aisle and through the whole ceremony (thats pretty much the most horrifying wedding thing I’ve ever seen).

    who can add a single hour to their life by worrying? 😉 so don’t…

  2. James says:

    Nerves, nerves, nerves.

    To be honest, I did kind of expect you to get hit with the reality of everything at some point. I know you heard me say it last night, but I KNOW that it is normal to get “cold feet” or whatever you want to label it. I know that the truthful answer wont necessarily make you feel a whole lot better about it either. However, you know that I will never tell you anything that isn’t the truth, and the whole truth. So here it is (again):

    You have no way of knowing if you are doing the “right” thing, or if right and wrong even apply to this situation. All you can do is act on faith. Not to say leap without looking. That would be silly. But to trust in what we have been working for, to trust what we want and dream about. The only things I do know are what make me confident that we are doing what is right. We love each other, no doubts about it. God has blessed us with each other at the right point of our lives and with the right lessons learned to get us to where we are. He blesses us each day with the things we learn from each other and how we communicate. We have worked hard to build our relationship on the things that matter the most when going into a serious relationship. Trust, honesty, loyalty, commitment, friendship, and last but obviously not least, God.

    I know that I am making the right choice in women. I know that no other woman would be able to fill my heart like you do. There is no other woman on earth that I want to have as my partner through EVERYTHING this world has to offer. I only want you to be my wife. I only want you to be THE woman in my life. I only want you to be the mother of my children. I also know, that the same is true for you. That you want ME to be your husband and partner for your whole life.

    And know what is cool? I know that these things are going to happen. On May 1rst we will be married. Our lives will be bound together forever and I know we will be as happy as two people can possibly be. and then we will both KNOW that we made the RIGHT choice.

    Marry me, and all your wildest dreams will come true…. 😉

    -James

  3. Kimwithak says:

    Nervousness is just part of the getting married situation. I swear, it’s so very very normal.

  4. lurking dad says:

    If there was no nervousness, then maybe you’re not taking it seriously enough. Then maybe you look at it as “if it doesn’t work, I can always get a divorce”. If divorce is not an option, then it can be an overwhelming decision. The “weekend to remember” with Family Life will help to ask, and possibly answer, some questions. There is always a net of supportive folks out there who can help, if they are asked.

  5. Maaaaaaam says:

    Yes – pre-wedding jitters are perfectly normal. About 30 seconds before I walked into my own wedding…..I hear myself saying to my father – “I can’t do this”. As I remember there wasn’t much sympathy and more an irritated answer of something along the lines of shut up – but it was nicer than that. That was almost 25 years ago. These years have truly been the best part of my life – most of the time, at least. Anyway – look at it this way – you’re NORMAL – which is odd for our family. So – look at your fears – talk about them – but then flush them down the toilet and get rid of them. Don’t let them rule what you have going right now. Focus on the important things – like the fact that you have a guy who obviously adores you and you have an incredible future ahead of you. And as “lurking dad” says – ASK QUESTIONS if you really are worried about something. You are surrounded with people who only want the best for you and have your best interests at heart.

  6. nicopolitan says:

    Nerves – we all get them during life-changing stages. I’m sure it’s part of the gig.

    BTW am I the only one laughing at the noodle conversation? Hilarious!

    • cari says:

      that’s why you’re the coolest. that conversation was hilarious especially considering my mood was pretty dumpy at the time.

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