this past weekend was dedicated to two things. me relaxing. and getting wedding stuff done. both definitely occurred. one left me with a rather unexpected side effect.
the pre-wedding nerves/jitters/cold feet.
whatever you want to call it.
it just that the more wedding stuff we get done, the more real this all becomes. the more real the whole situation is. we’re currently 59 days out. and i’m more and more terrified. how do i know i’m making the right decision? what if we’re reading this all wrong? what if, what if, what if? and there are even those feelings that don’t really have names. just… manifestation of emotion. manifestation of anxiety. and i don’t know what’s causing it. the invites are beautiful. they really look wonderful. and the flower/hair bobby pin things look great. and the boutonnières are done. though sometimes i wonder if they look ok. james tells me they do, but sometimes i wonder if they don’t look a little too homemade, you know? but, you know really, what does it matter if they do? i started out being so relaxed about this wedding and everything going on and now the closer i get, the more i wonder and the more i worry… is it going to be everything i hope it will be? are people going to like the decorations? are they too simple? are we showing that we care? are people going to see that we really love each other or are they just going to see that we’re poor and didn’t spend a lot on the wedding? a friend of mine is getting married two weeks before me. what if her wedding is just perfect and everything looks so wonderful and then i get to all my stuff and i think it’s awful?
WHO IS THIS GIRL AND WHAT HAS SHE DONE WITH CARI?!?!
i’m so worried about things that simply. don’t. matter. i’m anxious over things that simply. don’t. matter. this is going to be one wedding out of the WHOLE. SUMMER. OF. WEDDINGS. there’s probably not going to be anything that makes mine stick out over someone else’s. and whatever. doesn’t matter, right? what matters is that i walk away a wife. a happy wife. and he walks away a husband. a happy husband. why all this concern over things that are so trivial? i think and i think and i look at our orange and yellow stuff that’s starting to completely clutter james’ GINORMOUS walk-in closet and i wonder if this is all right. if this is the right thing. if maybe we really are (again) moving too fast. the hardest thing is that i can’t verbalize my fears very well. i don’t really know what they are. all i can see are symptoms. and ridiculous ‘what ifs’.
honestly, i think that reality is just that this is big. this is huge. and, like any normal human who has to wait for an eternity for the manifestation or conclusion of a huge decision, i question. i wonder. not that i think we’re really doing the wrong thing. not that i think we’re wrong for each other. i’m just freaking out a little. i’m sure it’s all normal and whatnot but i’ve just been so ‘whatever’ about this wedding thus far and just now i’m starting to freak out.
i think i just want someone to tell me that i’m normal and that there’s really nothing to worry about. someone other than james. haha.
the shiz i says sometimes…
james made mac n’cheese for me last night as i was having the previously shared minor mental breakdown. and then this conversation ensues as i’m eating it directly out of the pan with a ridiculously large spoon.
me: i was part of a psychology research project that was measuring anxiety and comfort food. noodles are my comfort food. so whenever i get stressed out, i could just live on noodles.
james: so like… spaghetti? and mac n’ cheese? and ramen?
me: yeah. doesn’t really matter what kind of noodles. they just make me feel better.
james: well babe, i’m all noodles.
me: complete with your own meat and sauce, too.
james: you know it.
(as i’m taking my last bite of the mac n’ cheese)
james: so if that (pointing to the pan i’m eating out of) isn’t a testament to my love for you, i don’t know what is.
me: you mean a pan devoid of noodles?