why even look back…

i was talking to james last night after we got back to his house from our premarried life group about some stuff regarding communication. that was the topic of discussion last night. we are blessed with some wicked communication skills and wicked chemistry. it’s unbelievable how well we communicate and how well we are able to read each other and how well we get along. for some reason, i really thought that ALL relationships were like that. that ALL people were able to share what they thought and what they felt with their significant other. i thought that ALL relationships were like ours.

i was wrong.

as we go along in our life group and the sessions, we realize (actually… realized early on) that so much of this stuff is really elementary.

for us.

it doesn’t seem to be so elementary for everyone else and that FLOORS me. it seems that the things we talk about, like communication basics and even basic compatibility and showing interest in the other partner’s activities sounded almost foreign to the other couples. or it sounded like SO much work, like something that they REALLY had to WORK on. and week after week, james and i would get back and we would talk about this stuff and i constantly would try to think back to how things were with colton. i tried to think about how we communicated and how compatible were we and how much did we show interest in the other person and all these other things. i would really really have to comb my mind to try to find these things and it was usually result of some diarrhea of the mouth that i would come to some conclusion about how things were with him.

something occurred to me last night.

why do i even CARE how things used to be?

why do i sit and comb my brain trying to figure out how much more “normal” my last relationship was? why does it matter? it’s over. i’m over it. i don’t need to try to think about how things were different then as compared to now because at the end of the day, i’m NOT with colton anymore. nor do i have even the slightest desire to be. not even to be in his life. why do i keep looking back to a broken past trying to find the keys to the reason for this solid future that i have? when i think back to that relationship, the same thing comes to my head: ‘i guess i’ll have to ask x about that’. if i need to turn to another friend to tell me what my relationship used to be like, then i don’t need to be thinking about that relationship. if i can’t look back and see it for how it was, for who we were, for how we acted, it’s no longer relevant. it no longer matters.

i can’t believe that took me until last night to figure out.

i’ve been reading about personality for one of my classes and for the 6 (out of 14) i went through this weekend, i’ve figured out which of those six i am. i also had figured out which of those colton is. and i’ve figured out which of those james is. and the funny thing is, the personality styles i have and the personality styles colton is are repeatedly mentioned in that book as terrible or disastrous matches. they say over and over to stay AWAY from each other because of the emotional strain it will put on the relationship.

WHY DID I NOT HAVE THIS BOOK YEARS AGO?! haha.

and the great thing is that my personality styles and james’ personality styles are said over and over to be GREAT matches. that we should, in a sense, seek out people of our respective personality styles. and as i drove back to fargo, i thought and i thought and i thought about all this and how certain things about colton drove me NUTS and i’m sure certain things about me drove him nuts. and i can see now where so much of the conflict came from and how we each were being who we were and how it played into so much of the weaknesses of the other person. we both have weaknesses but so many were the same. and our strengths were not complimentary at all either. i’m AMAZED that we made it 2.5 years. it simply could only be explained by the fact that we did in fact love each other and we THOUGHT that we really wanted to be with the other person. we were even lying to ourselves about that.

and then i think about my relationship with james and how effortless it is. i think of how everything just flows. how we get along. how we understand each other. how my weaknesses are his strengths and his weaknesses are my strengths. how we don’t have to be SO careful about how we say things because we truly truly believe that the other person has our BEST interests at heart and that we DON’T want to harm the other one. we don’t WANT to say something poorly but we’re not afraid to. we’re not afraid to think out loud until we make sense of what we’re thinking. we’re not afraid to be weak in front of the other. we’re not afraid to admit our mistakes to the other. we’re not afraid to be who we are because we know that the other loves us and will take us for exactly the person we are. and words cannot BEGIN to express how wonderful that is. how wonderful it is to be myself and to have james be himself around me. to not be afraid of judgment. to know that there’s ALWAYS someone there to bat for us. always someone there to stick up for us.

it’s wonderful to be sensitive to how they feel about the things we say and the way we say them. to know that the words spoken in front of others matter and don’t matter at the same time. we don’t want people to think that we mistreat each other and yet we have lots of fun together. sometimes at the other’s expense. but at the end of the day, we know that we have someone to “go home to”. someone who we can let our WHOLE guard down to. someone who we don’t have to save face in front of. someone who will catch what we’re throwing out there.

i love the relationship i’m in now. i love the openness. i love the trust, the implicit almost too easy to earn trust. i love the loyalty and the honesty. i love that we bring out the absolute best in the other person. that our love for each other is able to erase the bad of the past. the oh so hurtful past that now seems nothing more than a blip on the radar. a past that once haunted, but now barely exists. this relationship keeps my eyes steadied to the future with no time to look behind and wonder. with no DESIRE to look back. with only a desire to keep the past where it belongs: behind me.

i never thought that i would find someone who could so completely erase the hurts from not so long ago. who would embrace me just as i am now, not who i will be in the future. someone who would love me just a deeply i do them.

so why look back? why wonder about a past who has no answers to give? why crave the answers that are not there? yes, that relationship shaped me but i’m done dwelling on it. i’m done searching out the differences. i’m done trying to find what may not exist. i’m done trying to make something out of nothing and trying to figure out how things worked then. it doesn’t matter how things did or didn’t work then. what matters is how we make things work now. what matters is the step we take today to create a better tomorrow.

so here’s to looking at the future and excitedly waiting to see what it will bring. and here’s to the most wonderful person with whom i could take this journey. here’s to you james and to looking at the future. not the past. no more past. only future.

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3 thoughts on “why even look back…

  1. James says:

    I dont even know what to say. Im proud of you darling. Thank you for the lovely words and just being you. I love you. 🙂

  2. Tabitha says:

    catching up! and i love this post. i love how much i can relate with the whole, “why didn’t i know this stuff years ago?!” and also the whole, “it’s in the past, and it doesn’t matter anymore.” and i LOVE how effortless it is for you and james, because that’s how i feel with joe (most of the time…lol). and i seriously can’t WAAIIIIIT to see pictures of your day…which is only NINETEEN DAYS AWAY!!!

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