this stop, maturity. next stop, domesticated…

i’m trucking ever closer to being DOMESTICATED. yeah, like a wild animal that becomes a really great pet. except it’s single, college girl to responsible, caring wife. i buy CARDS for people now. like, for their birthday. i’m even resisting the urge to buy the dumbest ones there.

i make supper. like a REAL supper. like enchiladas. and other stuff with vegetables. sort of… healthy-ish things.

i have a garden. on my balcony.that i actually am tending.

i clean without be told to do so.

i’m addressing and writing out over 100 thank yous from the wedding. that one i think i’m going to regret. well, i’m only writing out HALF, the other half are going to be a generic thing, but these cool COLORED envelopes come with a little piece of paper on the inside so i’d rather write on those and use them than take them out. OR i could TOTALLY use them as fun recipe cards!! oh, man, i’m SO smart. hello LAZY ROUTE!!!

i know that i should go for a run today, but my upper back hurts so much. one of those where it’s sore AND stiff, even though moving around would probably be tremendously helpful. and then it’ll be outside working on my garden that needs a little more tending to. someone apparently didn’t read the instructions (and it wasn’t me this time!!). but that’s ok. it’s that or sitting inside doing nothing. i already watched the WHOLE ENTIRE planet earth series. though it’s not like we don’t have 100 OTHER movies i’ve never seen. we also bought another shelf last night (thank you gift cards) so i get to put that bad boy together today and figure out what the heck to put on it and WHERE to put it.

so i know this wasn’t a mind-blowing epic post, but my brain just isn’t up for that today. maybe next week. see y’alls lata!!

a realization of sorts…

i’ve been sitting in the background of bloggy world for a while watching the whirlwind of diet and exercise and gymming take place. i kept telling myself that after the wedding was over, i’d check these places out more, like In It To Gym It and things like that and jump on the exercise and accountability through blogging bandwagon.

well, the wedding was over three weeks ago. things are finally hitting some semblance of normal, and yet the motivation to join IITGI and start posting about my running/weight loss journey and all that jazz has not come. in fact, i am LESS motivated now than ever.

which i thought was kind of weird. so as i was running today, i thought about it. i pondered why i didn’t necessarily want to post my numbers out there (not that i’m ashamed, my scale said this morning that i weigh 160). i pondered why i didn’t want to pick a day to update everyone (mostly because i’m sporadic on here at best and it would end up being update whatever-day-of-the-week-it-is. which is fine, really). all these thoughts then led me to ponder my motivation FOR running.

and then it hit me.

i don’t run to lose weight. if i ran and never lost a pound in my life, i wouldn’t be bothered by that. i run because I. LOVE. TO. RUN. that’s it. i mean, i LOVE the way my legs look when i’ve been running, how they get all muscular and sexy. i love how i FEEL after i’ve been running for a while. i’m not gasping to get up steps. my clothes fit better and i FEEL better in them. i have more energy. i’m more motivated to walk or bike places instead of drive (not that i have a CHOICE right now because james and i are a one car household). i can eat whatever i want, but when i’ve been running, i WANT to eat healthier. though pizza, burgers and beer will ALWAYS be my weakness. at least i hope so. haha.

running also motivates me to do other healthy things, like yoga. i have a yoga dvd and i’m definitely more inclined to bust it out after a run. though i think i want another one. so i can do it on the off days because i’m going to try to run every other day for a while. until i’m more in shape and don’t want to DIE after two and half miles.

i also simply feel a great sense of accomplishment after i’ve completed a run. especially if it was a difficult run and i wanted to stop and walk SSSOOOO badly. it’s amazing to me how much i love being able to push through that feeling and complete the run.

another thing is that it’s something that james and i can do together. while running at 5pm SUCKS in the summer because it’s HOT outside, it’s still something we can do. he can bike alongside me as i run and it’s wonderful. it’s nice to do it together. and hey, we don’t have to do it every single day. as i get better and go on longer and longer runs, it’ll be nice to have a buddy there, encouraging me and just being there. and on weekends, heck, i can run at any time i want. even if it’s 6 am. because it’s the weekend. and i can take a nap. and so can james.

so i’ve realized that while weight loss is a natural part of developing a healthier lifestyle, it’s not my main motivation. it’s hardly a motivation at all. i do enjoy seeing the numbers recede, but eventually, they stop receding. eventually you’re at that goal. and then what? what’s to work toward next? i’m not saying that people are terrible people because they want to lose weight, i’m just saying that it doesn’t really work for me. so needless to say, friends, i will NOT be boring you with all those details. though, i don’t find it boring when people update, actually. i am excited for them to be working toward their goal. i’m sure every now and then i’ll give you an update of how we’re doing, but i think that james and i are motivation and accountability enough for each other. and we can have a heck of a lot of fun doing it – whether it’s running or playing basketball or other sports with friends on the weekend. there are SO many ways to get in shape and i’m excited to have the summer to develop some really good working out habits, really good legs, and if i’m lucky, really good abs.

here’s to you and me and everyone who’s taking charge of their health and fitness!! may we ENJOY doing it, ENJOY the benefits, and ENJOY life.

what i thought i wanted…

i thought i wanted answers.

i thought i wanted to know the truth.

i thought i wanted a lot of things.

what i really wanted, though, was just for them to go away. i wanted to never see that name pop up in my inbox. i wanted to never see that face on my wall. i wanted to never hear that voice or see that number on my phone. i wanted peace. i wanted it all to go away.

i tried to make myself believe that i could be civil but the truth is that i can’t. the defenses that run are so deep and the wall so thick that i can do nothing right now but lash out. the pain and the hurt caused to me and the one i love are too much right now. my anger boils below the surface and when they are not there, i can feel it slowly cool until i forget that it’s there. they show up, though, and it boils over. the wounds are ripped open. the past thrown in my face. my anger and shame overwhelm me – the things that have been done and said.

i’ve tried so many times to walk away, to leave them in the past. i’ve tried to block them from my mind. they keep showing up. in my email. in my facebook. i don’t reach out. i don’t want to. but i cannot seem to help myself from responding. i know i should delete without reading, but i can’t do it.

now, more than ever, i just want them to go away. what i have done in the past hasn’t been enough. it isn’t enough to remove them from my side. i must also remove myself from their side. i don’t want them here. i don’t want them reading my words. i don’t want me in their lives. i don’t want them in my life. i don’t want them to tell me how i should live and how i should think and how i should act. because i am not them. i am not like them. i do not think like them.

i thought i knew what i wanted. but now i know what i need. the past attempts to sever have failed but this time, i will not fail. this time, i mean it. this time, i’m gone. this time, they’re gone. no matter what i have to do or say, these names will no longer be part of my life’s vocabulary. these people do not have a spot. their memories will fade.

i am not running away. i am doing what i need to do to heal and i cannot heal until they disappear and they will not disappear until i cannot be found.

today, i am 24. a new beginning for me.

all old contacts are gone. i closed my email account yesterday. i will be moving this blog account later today or tomorrow morning. a new url. a new corner of the interwebs. a fresh place to start over. a place where i don’t have to run into them. a place where my heart can finally heal.

i am truly sorry to those who i will leave behind unintentionally, but this is what i need to do for me. this is what i need to do to move forward. for those coming along with me, i’ve loved having you read and be a part of my life and i can’t wait to see what God has in store for me and for all of us.

catch you on the flip side.

the house that built me…

yeah… technically i’m back but i’m sure i needed the rest from being on the honeymoon. this is one of my IRL besties as well as a blogger bestie. while we live hours and states away from each from each other, we don’t let that get in our way of keeping in touch. so check out her blog and leave her some bloggy commenty love.

ps. it’s my birthday tomorrow!

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Hi.  I’m Courtney.

And lately I’ve been having a series of dreams that seem to have nothing to do with each other save for one factor:  They all take place in my childhood bedroom.

I left that place behind when I was 18, thinking I’d always be able to come back.  When I was 19, my parents also left it behind, and since then, I’ve wondered if the new owners kept my room purple for their little girl or painted it and made it their own.  Either way I’m not sure I want to know.

But it turns out, you can take the girl out of the bedroom, but you can’t take the bedroom out of the girl.

The room never looks quite like I remember leaving it, but I think my brain is redecorating it to my current tastes.  It’s a little strange.  I always know that’s where I am though.  The closet with two wooden doors, the windows each where they belong, the wooden trim throughout the room, and especially the view into the front yard out my window.  They all add up.

I think maybe that just became my learning place.  The place I escaped to when I was really happy about something and needed to jump up and down on the bed while my stereo blasted country music or Frank Sinatra, where I hid when I needed to cry and had to work it out before I’d let anybody else see me.  Where I learned to write songs and started a journal and embarked on my very first adventures into interior design.  The room made me who I am.

And maybe these dreams are showing up to remind me of that.  Or maybe to help me keep learning, since even though I pay for my own place of residence now and have a few little places I can escape to, it’s never really quite the same.

When life changes, we have no choice but to leave certain things behind for newer, better things.  That’s the way it works.  But maybe, in a way, we never actually have to leave them behind.  Not completely.

Thanks to Cari for letting me spill my dream brain all over her blog.  And here’s to that one wonderful change her life has just been through. Whatever you left behind, Cari, keep it in your heart always.

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ps. email me at cari [dot] vanoverbeke [at] gmail [dot] com if you want the new blog URL. moving SATURDAY MAY 22.

travels…

happy wednesday everyone!!! yet ANOTHER guest poster cuz i’m still away honeymooning. i would be reading this girl, but she’s on a bit of a break right now (as she’ll tell you herself). i’ve really enjoyed reading her blog, however, so i hope you enjoy this short and sweet post. as always, go check her out and leave some bloggy commenty love for her.

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Hello! I’m here from Presently DeMo. My bloggy is on a little break because I’ve been so wrapped up with work and family stuff, but I decided to take some time and guest post for Cari while she’s on her honeymoon. 🙂

I’ve been feeling like traveling lately. What’s holding me back? Money. Time. It seems like there’s not enough of both lately. Cari’s gone on her honeymoon. I have a friend who just left for China on a work trip; another friend is a missionary in China. Yet another friend and her husband just left for England with the Air Force for three years. Three years! I’ll be 29 by the time they’re living in the States again! That’s just crazy.

But I’ve been in awe of the way things are now. How I’m writing this blog post but at the same time chatting with her online about the annoying crow outside her window. 50 years ago nobody would have imagined that we’d be able to do something like this. What do you think that you’ll say 50 years from now when someone asks you what the greatest invention was during your lifetime? I recently asked my grandpa that and he answered that it was the computer. Will you say that the best thing in your lifetime is your iPhone? Your flatscreen TV? Maybe you’ll say that it was email (Oh, email. You are so convenient).

Anyway, back to the travel thing. Where would you want to go? If money weren’t an issue, and you could leave work whenever and for however long you want. I would love to have the ability to just drop everything and buy a plane ticket to anywhere. Being a single girl has sort of put a damper on any plans that I’ve had of running away to Europe and couch-surfing or staying in hostels. I do have some mace though, maybe that will keep any attackers away?? I think I’ll start planning and saving right now. 🙂

Are there any dreamy adventures for you?

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ps. email me at cari [dot] vanoverbeke [at] gmail [dot] com if you want the new blog URL. moving SATURDAY MAY 22.

seasoning, arrows, and a forehead flashlight…

hello tuesday readers!! i’m still away having fun but in my place is another of my fave bloggers, tabitha. i’m sure you’ve heard me rant and rave about her before (mostly in regard to wedding jewelry and being totally awesome) so i’m SUPER excited that she’s taken the time to write up something oh-so-tabitha for me. so enjoy, check out her page (linked below) and leave her some commenty love.

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Hiya, folks! I’m Tabitha, and I blog over at ProbablyTabitha.com. This is a picture of me with Salt-N-Pepa:

(Bwahaha…I crack me up.)

Anyway. I’m so happy to be here at Cari’s place today, but I have to confess something:

The selfish/lazy side of me was really tempted to use this opportunity to show off the jewelry I made for Cari’s wedding (and of course, to promote my fabulous jewelry-making services to other brides-to-be and girls-who-just-like-pretty-sparkly-things), but I’m better than that. Kind of.

I’m still going to show you this one photo, which I totally stole off of Cari’s facebook, but you just HAVE to see how gorgeous she was on her wedding day (and, yeah, how awesome the necklace and earrings I made look on her)…

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, I thought I’d share a little anecdote from my own wedding. First, a little background on my husband, Joe. This guy actually cared about the plans that went into our wedding day. Unlike a lot of husbands-to-be, who are happy to “shut up and show up,” Joe had ideas…LOTS of them. And you know what? I loved it. But I had to draw the line at rigging the unity candle to light with a MAGNESIUM STRIP. Uh…no. Just no.

Another idea Joe had was to go after my garter with a forehead-mounted mining flashlight. I protested lightly, saying it was a funny idea but what if we offended someone? Or something. But he declared that he would do it, and I passively poo-pooed him, thinking, “Well, it would be pretty funny, but I won’t remind him about it if he forgets.”

Well, friends…he didn’t forget.

But I totally forgave him, because everyone laughed and it was such an “us” thing to do. And thus began what will be a lifetime of silly antics from the Carnes couple.

Anyway, that’s all from me for now.

Do you have any funny stories from your own (or someone else’s) wedding?
Tell me about it!

And thanks again, Cari, for letting me steal the spotlight for a day! Hope you’re having LOADS of fun on your honeymoon!

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ps. email me at cari [dot] vanoverbeke [at] gmail [dot] com if you want the new blog URL. moving SATURDAY MAY 22.

do you ever wonder…

hello bloggy peeps! as you may or may not know, i’m ACTUALLY on my HONEYMOON right now, but didn’t want to leave you all hanging for a week, so i got all my favorite bloggers to write me a post so that you know who i spend MY time reading.
this is my fellow fargoan (who i haven’t met yet… my life has been a little crazy lately, but you better BELIEVE that before this summer is over, we’ll have met. fargo ISN’T that big) blogger Jeney. She is sarcastic and HILARIOUS. i’m generally rolling in laughter by the time her posts are about 2 sentences in. so go check her out, leave her a comment and enjoy the guest posters while i’m gone!!

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When Cari asked for people to invade her blog while she enjoys her brand-spanking new husband for a week of marital bliss and copious amounts of horizontal mambo-ing, I was totally game for it! I mean, this isn’t my first rodeo.

Then it happened. I hit a wall. Well, not literally. I hit one of those irritating metaphorical walls that pop up when you have something really important to do like write a thesis, draft the constitution, or guest blog.

Honestly, I have no idea why this happens. And come to think of it, there are several things out there that I simply do not understand.

And I have come to terms with this fact.

But that’s not going to stop me from abusing my right to free speech, Cari’s blog and the internet as a whole by writing about it and making all of you wonder the same things and perhaps maybe get an answer or two while typing out run on sentences…

And ellipses….

– Why is my ‘junk drawer’ at home always full of crap and never fails to become a complete cluster a week after I clean it out despite the fact that none of us ever put anything in it?

– What drunk redneck made the final decision on the pronunciation of words like “bologna”, “Colonel”, and “Favre”?

– What jerk gave Vick, Tiger, Rothlisberger, and Favre permission to turn SportsCenter into E! Hollywood News?

– Why, although I am Catholic and have been going to church my whole life, do I still have absolutely no idea what I’m supposed to do during mass?

– How do Slacker and Pandora decide bands like Puddle of Mudd and Blink 182 belong on my H.I.M. radio station?

– Why do cinnamon raisin bagels you buy at a bagel shop sometimes taste like they just rolled around in the oven with an onion bagel?

Are there things out there that just boggle your mind?

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ps. email me at cari [dot] vanoverbeke [at] gmail [dot] com if you want the new blog URL. moving SATURDAY MAY 22.