on BEING married…

so in the four days that i’ve now been married, the most frequently asked question i get is ‘so what’s it like being married’ or some variation on that theme. having been on the other side of that question, i now realize what a ridiculous question that is to ask, for one thing, but i also realize how POWERFUL that curiosity is. i can’t discount the question or think less of people for asking because i’ve asked. generally not three or four days after, usually it’s a few weeks, but since i’ve been asked so much, i think i’ll just go ahead and answer that question for everyone out there.

to those who are married, you’ll understand this answer and probably want to add to it. go for it. that’s all i have to say.

for those of you who AREN’T married, the honest truth is that it’s not a whole lot different from NOT being married. there wasn’t a great enlightenment about anything, no change of feelings, in fact, i don’t even FEEL married. i’ve hardly signed my new name enough for it to feel like mine. maybe four times, and with still being in school, i have to sign my maiden name or at least put it in quotes so the profs know who i am. i’d have to say that the BIGGEST difference is that we’re having sex now. we chose to not have sex until we were married. i’m not going to lie, sometimes i thought that was a dumb idea and other times i was really grateful. it was hard at times and really easy at other times. but i tell you what – it was TOTALLY worth it. i’m so glad that we made that decision. nothing compares to that ‘this is so right’ feeling. i’m glad that we could honor God like that.

i definitely call him ‘husband’ a lot or ‘mr. jehlik’ a lot to more solidify in my mind that we are, in fact, married simply because it’s still so new. it’s like those first few days of a budding relationship. it’s new, it’s exciting, but it’s not REALLY real yet. it will take time. i know that. i am so glad that we are married now, though. i think that the difference we can make while married is SO much bigger than any difference we could make while just dating or engaged. we have a HOME to invite people over to, to host a life group in or some other bible study, we have more resources together than apart. sometimes it’s hard to answer the questions ‘why now? why rush? why not wait?’ when people ask them, but when i really sit down and think about it, all i can think is why NOT now? at this point, what does waiting prove? that we can wait longer to have sex? that we can survive on our own? would it prove that we are more right for each other? would it prove that we love each other enough to get married?

i personally think that all those questions have been answered. waiting longer would not prove much of anything at all.

anyway, i got a little sidetracked. being married. it’s wonderful to have a place to call home and to go to and a PERSON to go to every night and to wake up next to them every morning, but being married doesn’t change any feelings. it doesn’t scare away any insecurities, it doesn’t make all the wrong things right, it doesn’t scare away past feelings. the insecurities i had saturday morning i still had saturday night. and sunday morning. and monday morning. and this morning. none of that changed because of a ceremony.

i still have questions about my past relationship. i still wonder some things. i still have questions. being married didn’t take those away either. i sort of expected some magical change from saturday night to sunday morning where i wouldn’t care about that stuff anymore, but that didn’t happen. and a recent email made that an even more difficult thing to put out of my mind and while i’m still wrestling with the answer to a question that was posed, i am fully confident in my relationship. and i’ve talked to james about this question and i know his answer. i know what he would prefer. however, at the end of the day, the decision is mine. I have to decide what to do. I have to decide yes or no. I have to take that step. the part of me that wants to say yes wrestles with the part of me that knows that james prefers no and i want to be able to do that for him but i don’t know if i can. i don’t know if the questions that i have, and the request that was made, are things that i can really put behind me and not wonder about. ‘what if i had said yes?’ if things turn out well and i can walk away for good, great. if things turn out really bad and i get upset, at least i know. at least i know. and to part of me, that knowledge is SO valuable.

being married hasn’t changed much, but i know that those things will come in time and i know that i made the right decision. i know that God led me on the path i was supposed to go and i walked it as faithfully as i could and it has now brought me to this place. it has now brought me to where i am. so here’s to the next 100 years of being married to james.


3 thoughts on “on BEING married…

  1. lurking dad says:

    Even after (nearly) 25 years, there can still be those wonderings about “what if I had done this back then”, or “done that”. What would my life look like now? How would it be different. I do know that I would not have Heather, Cari, Tom, Gavin, and Toby in my life now if I had made those other choices.

    Mostly it might come down to, what things do you want to dwell on for the next xx years? Things that could have been? Or do you want to put that energy into the marriage relationship you have chosen? I’d pick option 2. So here’s to the next 25 with mine and watching you two grow over the next 25!

  2. Maaaaaam says:

    Thanks Lurking Dad – for making that wonderful decision (almost) 25 years ago. I still think about my pre-married past and wonder. But would I want to change anything now? No – not really. Because if I changed something – then I wouldn’t be where I am now.

    Being married is a state of mind – and it doesn’t happen within a few days. It takes months, maybe even a year, before you really get that this marriage is for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. It’s scary when that realization comes – but then you realize that you wouldn’t want it any other way. At least that’s how it happened for me.

    Trust yourself to make the right decision – prayer certainly doesn’t hurt either. God – please help her to make the decision that you want her to make – the one that will honor and glorify you and James. Amen.

    Love you sweetie – it’s gets sweeter with time – it really, really does – especially when that time includes working through the rough stuff.

  3. nicopolitan says:

    Obviously I hadn’t made enough money by the time you got married to get out to your part of the world for the festivities! :/

    But one important thing you point out here is that your feelings and thoughts haven’t drastically changed. I think that’s a _good_ thing. You don’t need, or should even want, to become a different person just because you’re married. After all, you married each other for who you are, not for what you can become, right?

    Questions and wonder are things that never stop being good, either. Life would be boring, and unchallenging, without questions. Keep asking. 🙂

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