i thought i wanted answers.
i thought i wanted to know the truth.
i thought i wanted a lot of things.
what i really wanted, though, was just for them to go away. i wanted to never see that name pop up in my inbox. i wanted to never see that face on my wall. i wanted to never hear that voice or see that number on my phone. i wanted peace. i wanted it all to go away.
i tried to make myself believe that i could be civil but the truth is that i can’t. the defenses that run are so deep and the wall so thick that i can do nothing right now but lash out. the pain and the hurt caused to me and the one i love are too much right now. my anger boils below the surface and when they are not there, i can feel it slowly cool until i forget that it’s there. they show up, though, and it boils over. the wounds are ripped open. the past thrown in my face. my anger and shame overwhelm me – the things that have been done and said.
i’ve tried so many times to walk away, to leave them in the past. i’ve tried to block them from my mind. they keep showing up. in my email. in my facebook. i don’t reach out. i don’t want to. but i cannot seem to help myself from responding. i know i should delete without reading, but i can’t do it.
now, more than ever, i just want them to go away. what i have done in the past hasn’t been enough. it isn’t enough to remove them from my side. i must also remove myself from their side. i don’t want them here. i don’t want them reading my words. i don’t want me in their lives. i don’t want them in my life. i don’t want them to tell me how i should live and how i should think and how i should act. because i am not them. i am not like them. i do not think like them.
i thought i knew what i wanted. but now i know what i need. the past attempts to sever have failed but this time, i will not fail. this time, i mean it. this time, i’m gone. this time, they’re gone. no matter what i have to do or say, these names will no longer be part of my life’s vocabulary. these people do not have a spot. their memories will fade.
i am not running away. i am doing what i need to do to heal and i cannot heal until they disappear and they will not disappear until i cannot be found.
today, i am 24. a new beginning for me.
all old contacts are gone. i closed my email account yesterday. i will be moving this blog account later today or tomorrow morning. a new url. a new corner of the interwebs. a fresh place to start over. a place where i don’t have to run into them. a place where my heart can finally heal.
i am truly sorry to those who i will leave behind unintentionally, but this is what i need to do for me. this is what i need to do to move forward. for those coming along with me, i’ve loved having you read and be a part of my life and i can’t wait to see what God has in store for me and for all of us.
catch you on the flip side.