there’s something about craving macaroni and cheese and hot dogs that makes me feel like i’m 5 all over again. not in an immature way necessarily, but in a ‘sometimes i wish things weren’t so darn hard all the time’ way. i know that really, in the grand scheme of life and all life suffering, i have it really really easy. i know that. but i don’t think that you can compare one life to another, to be honest. you can’t compare their experiences. it’s not that i’m unhappy where i am. it’s not that i regret marrying a man who adores me and if this picture doesn’t prove that, find me one that would.
i don’t regret (m)any of the decisions i’ve made over my life. each one has formed me into the person i am now. the person i was always meant to be. every step that i’ve taken in this journey to find myself, to find God, to figure out what i’m meant to do has been a step never taken in vain. i don’t regret the stops. i don’t regret the relationship with one who had never had macaroni and cheese in his life until he met me. he didn’t even know how to make it. i don’t regret the pain. i don’t like it, but it had to happen. there are so many fond memories of the past years – running, graduating high school, moving to go to college, moving into my first apartment with probably the best roommate i’ve ever had and the friendship that has blossomed because of it, getting my degree, going back to school for a new degree after learning a few very hard and painful life lessons, falling in love, getting married. the path that made me who i am is a path i would walk again and again if i had to, even making all the same mistakes because if i change even one of those, the person that i am is totally different. every choice affects the future. all of them. i can’t change one thing without changing everything that follows. even if i changed the ONE thing that i would LOVE to change, i wouldn’t be who i am.
sometimes, i long to be 5 again. to live a simple life. but i know that we aren’t meant to be 5 forever. we’re meant to learn and to grow and live and love and eventually die. it’s the way of things. and as that goes, i’m determined to make the rest of however many days i have count. i’m determined to continue growing, continue living, continue becoming the person i’m meant to be.
and, when the mood strikes, i’ll cook up some mac and cheese, cut up some hot dogs, and eat them off the plate that now symbolizes all the changes in my life. and i’ll go back to being 5 for a little while until it’s time for real life to take over again and i need to be an adult.