yesterday, the president of concordia college in moorhead died. I knew her only as President Jolicoeur. I met her on my second date with james when we happened to be dining at the same restaurant one table away. she told me that james was her computer saviour. later that evening, james took me on a nighttime stroll/tour of concordia where we ran into her again. i remember her as being very warm and friendly, not the kind of person i would imagine being the president of a private school, to be honest. of course, having a slight school-related animosity toward concordia certainly didn’t help (i go to the school pretty much across the street, of course we’re going to have some rivalry/animosity, don’t judge me).
as usually happens when someone dies unexpectedly, i started to think. i started thinking about my life. what am i doing with it? how am i making a difference with my own life? am i making sure that my priorities are where they should be, in the order they should be? am i making sure that the important stuff remains important while the unimportant stuff stays there too? am i more concerned with the state of my garden than the state of my heart?
it also got me thinking about my relationship with james. am i treating him absolutely the best i can? sometimes, often times, i whine and complain about staying home and being the one who does all the cleaning and the laundry and the dishes. but he’s the one who goes to work every day to make sure that we have money in our bank account, a roof over our head (an apartment that will need to be cleaned), food in our stomachs (which will inevitably create dishes), and clothes on our back (which also creates laundry). sometimes i forget that this is a TEAM effort and people on the same team have different jobs. right now, my job is this, to be at home, to keep it orderly, to be a good student, to get good grades. his job is to provide so that i can do those things, so i don’t have to worry about working AND doing my school work. sad to say, sometimes i fail to appreciate everything HE does too. sometimes i think he has it easy being at work 40 hours a week, dealing with problems, issues, and the occasional moron. so am i making sure that i’m helping to RELIEVE his stress or am i adding to it? do i want to be the wife that ADDS to the stress of her husband’s life? is that how i want to be remembered?
i also got to thinking about my friends and this one was MUCH trickier because friends come on so many levels. there are the acquaintances, the casual friends, the ones you call up when you want to get together, the good friends, the close friends, the besties, and don’t forget about those who are your friend on facebook that you NEVER talk to. ever. i was thinking about my close friends and thinking about how well we keep in touch. i am so grateful to my friends who are always there, who i can call up (or make phone dates with) and chat – even if it’s about nothing. i got to thinking about how sometimes i need to put forth a little more effort in those relationships. i also got to thinking about those bad friendships. the somewhat poisonous ones and it made me think and wonder why i’m still friends with them. i don’t necessarily WANT them around anymore. every time i talk to them, i feel my attitude creeping toward bad. and yet, for some reason, i’m not able to break off the friendship. i find myself waiting for a long enough time to pass so that i can really consider them not a friend and leave them behind. i don’t know if that’s good or bad, but i do know that i don’t need them in my life and i’m pretty sure that they don’t need me either.
i got to thinking about my family. do i tell them enough how much i love them, how much they mean to me? do i show them? i think i do, at least. maybe i’m really bad at mother’s day and father’s day and getting cards and gifts for birthdays and other things like that, but are those the things that really show how much you care? does it matter if the best i do is send a text on mother’s day to my mom (usually at 4 or 5 pm because i haven’t realized it’s mother’s day)? do my siblings know that i think they’re turbo cool as far as siblings go even though they drive me nuts sometimes? or even slightly more than sometimes?
i guess most of it boils down to this: how am i going to be remembered when it comes my time to go? are people going to breathe a sigh of relief? are they going to be devastated that i’m gone but happy because i’m hanging out with my saviour? are people going to KNOW that’s where i am? is there going to be a question or a doubt in anyone’s mind where i’m spending eternity? what would people say at MY funeral on the open mic? what would be in my eulogy?