i’ve come to realize over the past few weeks (mostly week and half) that my marriage is abnormal.
this is not a bad thing.
i am taking a sociology class right now that has several married people, several with kids, 2 married with kids, and the rest single peeps. there are 25 or so of us. as we talk about things in life as they relate to sociology (marriage, porn, homophobia) a lot of our personal lives come up and we take a stand for our beliefs. that usually leaves me in the minority (for example when i was the ONLY person in class who thought that porn degrading women should be banned). people pitied me for having to stand alone in my beliefs, made fun of my position though i was not given the opportunity to defend my beliefs and what they are and why i believe them (we broke into groups and i was in the ‘it’s not great for women, but porn shouldn’t be banned’ group).
i’m getting off topic. redirecting…
in class, we talk a lot about our own personal relationships. i have discovered that i have the only truly egalitarian marriage in class. we are truly equals in everything. there are no ‘my education comes first and you come second’ addendums, i don’t have in-laws trying to force their beliefs on to me or my husband. our families believe that it is OUR life and we can live it how we want. neither of us are spending any of our time trying to appease family members. we don’t argue about chores, we don’t argue about anything.
even when i burn james with a pizza pan 5 minutes out of the oven…
the thing is, at the end of the day, one thing is the most important for me (i’m sure for james, too). was my presence a blessing to him? were my words helpful or harmful? was his life improved today because of me, my presence, my actions, my words, my attitude?
this appears to be a missing function in a lot of the marriages and relationships in my class. there is one girl who hopes, who dreams, who wants to have a marriage just like mine. she thinks she’s being an idealist, but the truth is, she can have it! she, of course, needs to have the right attitude as well.
i’m not saying that my marriage is perfect, because it isn’t. we disagree on things, we get to the brink of what could be a fight, but we realize that it’s not WORTH fighting about. it’s not WORTH getting into an argument. if i was emptying out the checking account? yeah, problem. he’s putting wet towels in the dirty clothes instead of the towel basket? not a terribly big deal, but not the way i’d like things done. worth an argument? no. worth bringing up to make my laundry-doing life a little easier? certainly.
i never realized how strange my marriage is. i hardly ever realized how strange our dating relationship was. i never realized that we’re pretty much the only people i know who do things the way we do. we talk about anything and everything. we bring it up. we talk about sex. during sex. we talk about our crazies, about what’s acceptable, what’s not, what we like, how chores will be done, who likes to do what. we talk about doing something active before settling in for the evening. we try to get into the other person’s interests and heck, even make them our own. because at the end of the day, i want his life to better because i’m in it. he wants my life to be better because he’s in it. this leaves little room for selfishness. there’s still some there, don’t get me wrong, but honestly, i don’t think there’s a whole lot.
people keep telling me to give it time, things will change, my marriage will end up just like every other unhappy marriage out there. HOW DEPRESSING!! i don’t WANT my marriage to be like that. i’d like to think that i would fight to the ends of the earth to keep my marriage the way it is. i know it won’t be honeymoon stage forever, but even 2 years from now, i’d like to think that it’s still the most important to me that his life is improved because of me. that his health, happiness, and fulfillment is most important to me and mine to him.
i know this will take work. i know that it won’t be easy. i know that there WILL be days that i don’t like him, i don’t necessarily want him around, but i think that it’s not too much to think that things won’t get much worse than they are right now. especially if we keep talking, especially if we stay open. he’s my number 1 supporter on this planet and i’m his. it’s going to take work to remember that, but i think it will be SO worth it to remember. to always remember that we’re on the same team, working toward the same goal, heading to the same place at the end.