i took a break for a few reasons.
first off, i was really, really tired all the time. feeling no motivation, no nothing to do anything. no one wants to read a mindless post that has no meaning, no direction, no semblance of order. no one wants to read a half-hearted post. my last few posts have sort of been those. i felt as though i needed to put something up, so i put something up that was easy to write, easy to post. they weren’t terrible or worthless by any stretch, but they weren’t what i want this blog to be. i don’t want this blog to become ‘here’s a recount of everything i’m doing with my days’. i mean, my life isn’t that interesting to warrant something like that and by about the second day, nobody cares anymore. continuous daily recounts are boring.
secondly, continuing along that vein, i didn’t feel like i had anything to say. i didn’t have anything to share with everyone. i’ve been bored a lot but too tired to do anything. my energy has been sapped for a while. maybe precisely because i wasn’t doing anything. i had no experiences worth sharing, no ideas worth saying, nothing that could be expounded upon enough to have a full blog post. short posts are fine, i know that, but i don’t want to be a micro-blogger all the time. or a blurb blogger, whatever. i want people to come here because they know that whatever i’m about to say is going to be good, is going to be worth thinking about, is going to CAUSE thinking and is going to be something worth writing and reading about.
i also had a realization not too long ago, maybe a few months now, but still very recently. i was looking around at all the ways i was out there on the internet. and i began wondering WHY. WHY am i so out there? what’s the purpose of having a youtube site that i don’t do anything with, twitter that i’m never on, flickr that i’ll never update. why have i put myself so out there? i realized that i did all that for the attention i had hoped it would bring. it wasn’t because i thought i had something really really worthwhile, it was because i HOPED that i did and that people would realize it. i wasn’t out there to connect with people. i was out there so someone would pay attention to me. i also realized that i’m not that important. i’m not that important that i need to bother people with trivial things. i don’t need to put every thought i have out there. i don’t need to see how many people i can have follow me on twitter. i don’t need to see how many youtube or flickr hits i get. especially when i know and i see that it isn’t much if any. the world of people out there are not interested in finding me. there is a world of people who i’ve met who ARE interested and i need to learn to be content with that. i need to stop thinking that i’m so important.
i needed to remember what IS important. i needed to remember why it is that i do blog. i needed to remember that those whose blogs i read and those who i’ve befriended are enough, are worth my time, and i’m worth theirs. i may not have 200 people who read this every time i post and i may not get 100 comments but who ever said that’s what i needed in order to make this worthwhile? who ever said that it’s the number of readers and commenters that determine the quality and worthwhileness of a blog and therefore the author of said blog?
after all, people aren’t going to find me unless i take the time to go out and find them and read them and discover them. not many, at least. i’ve perused the world of wordpress a few times and come across very very few blogs i’d like to read. if i want to have 200 people reading my blog, then i need to go out and discover 300 blogs. i need to get out there too. but then again, if i’m writing just to have 200 people read, then why i am i writing? what is the purpose of that? for who i am writing? me? them? the comments?
i think that if i have something worthwhile to say, the comments of those who are know me are enough. if i have something worthwhile to say, that ALONE is enough. part of blogging is having accountability to write and get things down so that i remember them. i don’t journal well on my own. having my own audience isn’t enough to keep me keeping track of life and its events.
sometimes, it’s having one of the worst things you could possibly imagine ever happening ACTUALLY HAPPENING and having nothing come of it. sometimes it’s randomly running into the person you never want to see again and having everything be ok. have no word spoken and just walk away. sometimes it’s seeing those things and realizing the life moves on. life continues happening no matter what. so it’s my job to continue happening with life. to continue to keep my eyes to the future and not to the past. to pray that they are happy and content and to pray the same happiness for myself. sometimes it’s taking a step out of the limelight and seeing what else is going on around you.
it’s hard for me to stop looking at myself sometimes, to look at others. i’ve come to realize, though, that it is necessary at times. it is necessary to look away from myself and look toward others even though that is extremely difficult to do for me.
i read through my old blogs on friday. i’ve come such a long way in 5 years. it has been an INCREDIBLE journey through mountain-top highs and depths of hell lows and somehow, i ended up here. it’s been amazing watching my own journey of faith – watching myself develop and grow and mature into the faith that i have today and to remember the events that caused that faith to grow and mature and develop into what is now. to relive the events, even if ever so briefly. to remember the events that fill in the gaps between posts. to remember the person i was then and see the person i am now and to be PROUD of the person i am now.
this time off has been just the rejuvenation that i’ve needed and i’m glad that i took the time over the weekend to catch up with everyone before posting my own thoughts. i’m glad to see that world kept turning while i was away, but that the world did not forget about me, either. i look forward to coming back now and writing when i have something worthwhile to say. and putting up more pictures of my garden which is growing amazingly!
thank you for your encouragement as i took some time to rediscover who i am and what i’m about. i wouldn’t trade in my blog friends for the world. you all rock!