when there’s simply nothing (or too much) to say…

i know that i have been absent here as of late. part of that was intentionally and part of it wasn’t. i had planned on coming back full force after my little break and somehow, that just hasn’t happened. i haven’t had things to say, nothing has really been happening. except that really isn’t the truth. in all reality, a lot has been happening and i have a lot to say.

however, i’m just not sure if this is the place to dive into all of that stuff. i’m an emotional person. i make emotional decisions, i write emotionally, all sorts of things. logic isn’t my strong suit when it comes to, well, life in general.

i’ve decided that this counseling class is really good. it’s actually the last day of class today (i ended up getting up early and after reading a few fellow blogs, i decided that i have plenty of time to write one of my own. even if that means i have to drive today instead of bike. sometimes other things are more important.). this being the last day of class and having to give a short presentation today, i’ve been reflecting on the past three weeks, the things i’ve talked about, the things i’ve shared, the things that have happened.

i’ve talked most of it out with my fellow student(s). i wasn’t afraid to be real in front of them, in front of the camera, on tape. i wasn’t afraid to dive into touchy topics and share part of my soul with them. part of that is just my personality. part of it is that i needed someone else to talk to. i needed an objective third party for some of those talks. i needed someone to listen who doesn’t know the back story, who doesn’t know the players, who just doesn’t know.

i needed someone to listen when i had so many feelings and thoughts to sort out when i randomly saw colton. i needed someone who wasn’t wrapped up in the situation. someone who has no feelings toward him (or even me for that matter). i needed to sort through the whys and hows and whats of my feelings and my attitudes and behaviours toward him without having to worry about what i share and how i’m saying it and how it might affect the person i’m telling. i needed someone who could be totally logical, totally objective, and dive to what could be the heart of the issue. to ask the questions that haven’t been asked. the questions that only someone who doesn’t know anything can ask.

i’ve found myself trying to sort through these thoughts and emotions that have been everywhere since the sighting. i find myself engaging in ‘what could have been’ conversations, in ‘what if i’d talked to him’ conversations and i don’t like who i am when he is in the picture. i find that my defenses run so high, the wounds run so deep, that it’s impossible for me to even imagine a civil conversation. at the end of the day, though, the one thing that i would love is to be able to HAVE that civil conversation. to be able to be pleasant, not necessarily be friends, but almost. to see him and not freak out, to talk and not have to take every thought and word captive and search it before it comes out. in fact, right now, there are so many thoughts and words that it would be impossible. i would have to keep my mouth shut the whole time.

they say you can’t be friends with your exes. i agree with that and disagree at the same time. obviously, it depends on what the relationship was, how it ended, the blend of personalities. it depends on if it was mutual or one-sided. it depends on the explanation given. it depends on the believability of that explanation – even if it’s true. it depends on how it was restoried in the mind. it depends on so many things.

can i ever be friends with colton? i don’t think i can. in 10, 20 years? i don’t know. there are so many things about him as a person that i completely dislike and disrespect that i don’t think i ever could. i met someone who reminds me totally and completely of him and i’ve lost all respect for that person. i find myself annoyed when he pops up on my radar. i know they’re NOT the same person, i know this other person has done nothing to me, but i have no respect for him. i honestly wish he would go away. i wish a lot of things but i know that they’re not going to happen.

i don’t know what it’s going to take, how long or anything for me to get over him, to get over this, to be able to move on with my life. as some people have mentioned, i’m married now. i have a whole new life waiting to begin fully. i have all sorts of things that i want to do but find myself lacking in motivation. i think that a lot of it has to with the fact that i’m trying so hard to block these thoughts – to make them go away. i’ve been finding things to do that require my attention, my thoughts and don’t leave room for my mind to wander. which means that i’ve been avoiding things that allow my mind to roam freely. i don’t want to think about this, about him, anymore but i’m at a loss at how to do that. i’m learning to switch my train of thought and stop thoughts when he comes up, divert my attention, but i don’t think that’s actually DEALING with the problem. it’s just avoiding the problem. i don’t know if talking about it more will help. i don’t know if ignoring will help. i thought my answers would help but, of course, they didn’t. i’m hoping that i’m becoming mature enough to recognize these things. i’m hoping that i’m actually growing through all of this. i’m hoping that i’m not being annoying.

i’m hoping for a lot of things…

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2 thoughts on “when there’s simply nothing (or too much) to say…

  1. lurking dad says:

    Time and maturity (on your part) will make a difference. It may never be easy, free flowing, smooth, etc when encountered, but the sharp edges might go away because you realize they have. After some time they just shouldn’t hold the same impact. Dwelling on what could have been is a real good way to mess up the mind. What if I had done this. What if I had done that. What if they….. You can play those mind games forever and never come up with the response the other person would have displayed. There are too many variables in a person to guess right.

    At some point you just realize, and internalize, I am where I am and who I am because of the choices I’ve made. Plain and simple. Making difference decisions changes where you are going. If you think back and say “what if I had done that”, then there may be many things in your current “life” that would not be because of that decision. Look at your current life and think about what wouldn’t be if you had made that decision. Then add 20 years and a couple kids. Then look back again. Would you want to remove those kids from your life to make the other choice? How do you know that other choice would have been as good or better? Lots of mind games can be played there.

    Find someone to talk them out with. I’ve thought back like that. I wouldn’t want to change anything. 🙂

  2. Maaaaaam says:

    You also need to work through the process of forgiveness. And it can be a process. It’s one thing to “intellectually” forgive someone……….it’s totally another thing to “forgive from the heart”. I lived a lot of years with the former before God finally put his thumb on my chest and made me do the latter. Yes, He MADE me do that latter. You will know when the time is to do that. God will make sure that you do it. For me, I was finally so tired of carrying those people around with me – reliving the past – listening to Satan’s lies time and time again – once I got to the point of being so tired of it that I finally truly surrendered it – then I could truly forgive…..as I have been forgiven by God. I am working on forgiving myself – I’ll let you know how that finally all turns out. Too many wasted years and yet………..maybe not. They made me much of who I am now. Not so sure that it’s that great – but I AM stronger because of it. I recognize now what surrender really means. It means recognizing that through brokenness, comes new growth. It means throwing away the rock hard heart and being willing to let God change it to a soft, malleable heart that He can shape into who He wants me to be. You’ll get there – it takes time…it takes getting so tired of carrying that burden that God didn’t give you. Once you get there – you will find sweet, sweet freedom!!

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