these past few days have been really interesting as far as timing, opportunities and my future goes.
i just learned yesterday that the job i’ve been expecting to have this school year has been offered to someone else. this has been under the pretense of training someone else in, but honestly, i don’t really believe that. that just doesn’t seem to be the way this particular organization works. if i had to GUESS, i would say that it has more to do with me being assertive, and perhaps sometimes overstepping my boundaries, to get things done that need to get done. perhaps it had something to do with my other coworker having issues working with/alongside me. honestly, i can’t really say. i thought we enjoyed working together and had a good relationship. obviously we weren’t besties, but i thought it was a decent working relationship. training someone else in is a legitimate reason. except that this job barely needs that. it’s pretty simple, straight forward, no real tricks. lately, though, i’ve been seeing a lot of the politics that go behind the scenes and THAT is a very UNattractive part of this job, this organization. i realize that this is probably part of EVERY organization, but really… i don’t think that it needs to be like that. i don’t do well in situations where part of my job is to stroke the egos of others around me. i simply don’t do that well. i don’t expect others to do that to me, in fact, i don’t WANT others to do that. it’s all dishonesty. i’d rather someone let me know that they don’t like me, don’t like working with me, don’t like whatever than to pretend that everything is fine, waiting for the perfect moment to get rid of me. that isn’t a decent thing to do to someone.
i’m not saying that me not having this position is the end of the world, though. in fact, i think it could be one of the best things that have happened to me in a LONG time. because i don’t have this job, i don’t have to deal with all the aspects i can’t stand about it. i don’t have to have responsibility. i don’t have to try to make people listen to me. i don’t have to do a lot of things. and, honestly, it’s kinda nice.
however, i think that there is something MUCH larger behind all of this. something more than lack of responsibility, something more than more free time. i think that God has been working out for some time that i get involved SOMEWHERE in my field to boost the grad school resume. this semester, i am writing a literature review for the psych experiment i’ll be conducting next semester. i was kinda stuck on trying to find an idea when the concept of forgiveness started popping EVERYWHERE. it was the surprise topic i found in my searching. it was the topic in my life group on thursday. it was the topic at church on sunday. i had a friend bring it up in a daily thankfulness email we share. i think there were one or two more places that it came up. THIS IS IN THE PAST 5 DAYS!! so…. i took the hint. i’m now going to be conducting a correlational study on relationship satisfaction, self-esteem and forgiveness. i can’t say anything more than that. i just need to remember that in real life too, haha.
i talked to my experimental professor about this idea and we bounced ideas around on friday and settled on something that should be really good. we then talked about seminary and she said that i should really try to find a place to volunteer this year to boost that grad school resume. i wasn’t sure that i’d have time with this job i was supposed to get… and then… no job. hmm. time issue resolved. then, i was thinking that i would have to start selling my plasma again to help with the budget and home finances. well… a possible promotion will take care of ALL of those issues. hmmm. money issue resolved. well THEN i was thinking, i don’t know if i’m going to have time during the day to do this with school and not having a car and everything. well, as long as i’m done by 5, i can have the car. transportation issue solved.
i’m thinking that i really just need to bite the bullet, start looking around and seeing what i can do for a year. even volunteering! just a few days a week!! i can DO that!!
oh yeah, and we talked to a pastor about leading a life group and it seems promising. we’re going to be previewing the material with some friends so that we can do a practice run before the first couple sessions and it’s going to be great! heck, i think there are only 6 sessions, so we may end up just doing all of them with these friends. THAT would be even BETTER!! and if we don’t do a new believers one, we may end up hosting another round of ‘life’s healing choices’, the life group i’m in right now. i just think that there are SO many possibilities to get involved at church and to really serve God and to pour my heart into Him. it’s so exciting!
i think that it’s honestly been the fact that james and i have been trusting God so much to make ends meet, to provide what we need, to show us where to go and it’s REALLY, VISIBLY paying off. i can SEE where things might go in the very near future. i just LOVE knowing and seeing what the future holds that all i have to do is follow through. i don’t have to come up with the ideas, i don’t have to plan step by step, i just have to see the step and TAKE IT. i cannot imagine how stressful my life would be if i had to plan out my life. i know some people are stressed when they can’t do that, but for me, this is SO freeing.
as i read along in other blogs, i’m so inspired and rooting for all the people who are stepping out to make a change for the better in their lives. most of the time, it’s a weight loss plan, sometimes it’s something else – a new way to stay connected, an ‘aha!!’ moment, a ‘just breathe’ moment, whatever. i think that in light of all these changes and opportunities, it’s my turn to jump. it’s my turn to put myself out there and see what happens. it’s my turn to change my life for the better, to invest in my future more than just grades and a transcript. to invest more than a couple church groups. to invest more. i certainly don’t want to overwhelm myself, but i sincerely believe that i can do this. i can take the step, make the change, reap the reward. i want to. it just takes that one little step of faith, saying ‘here goes everything familiar’ to try something completely new. for all i know, it’s what God had in mind all along.