so apparently i’ve been COMPLETELY gone for the past week and half. i apologize to those who have missed me. i have this class that is actually very writing intensive and so the last thing i want to do (or even have time to do) is write a blog post. today, however, is the last day of class and i’m done with the journal, 3/4 done with my final and mentally pretty much just done with the class. i think i can give this awesome prof about 4 or 5 more hours of my life. the class has been totally awesome, but like i said, draining. especially mentally and writing-wise. i’ve also been biking to school which is a 12-mile round trip. so then there’s some physical exhaustion going on too.
anyway… enough with the whining and excuses.
there IS a reason and an purpose and an intention for this post. i promise. so i’ll just get to that now.
i’m beginning to realize that my needs in friendships are changing. i’m no longer content with superficiality and shallow friendships. i have no desire to keep friends that i don’t talk to, that don’t return communication efforts, that i simply have nothing in common with. this has led to some pretty epic facebook purges as of late (as in over 2oo deleted total).
it began when i realized that someone who i thought was such a great friend really wasn’t. for some reason, i never saw it. i don’t know if it’s because i didn’t want to, if it was only recent, or if i just wanted to stay friends so badly that i accepted the terribly parts of personality simply to retain a friend. as we’ve grown and lives have changed and miles put between us, i’ve realized that the people we have become are two completely different people.
we have nothing in common anymore. as i looked back, i began to see the strain on the relationship, the forced feeling of it, the irritation on my side with immaturity and selfishness, and the shrinking of my patience. there was a definite point where it all became glaringly apparent to me. that point was when there was a complete disregard for feelings of friends in the name of something that is important, yes, but is not an excuse to treat people like crap. and yet, i still tried to maintain the friendship. i wanted to remain friends. i rationalized this behaviour. i tried to convince myself that it was because of stress and life changes. i tried to convince myself that it wasn’t because it was part of the personality of this person. that they were, in fact, incredibly selfish, always had been, and always had treated the friendship as a matter of convenience.
i’m sad to lose this friend, i really am. i wish that things had turned out differently. i wish a lot of things.
however, because of it, i’m starting to really evaluate my other friendships, whether real or facebook-induced. i’ve always been the person who has a LOT of friends, or so i thought. i had never realized that most were acquaintances. i realized that most of these people were people i’d never call to hang out or talk to. the only inside access they had to me was through this blog. i know nothing about them and i don’t care to. that was the big kicker. i didn’t DESIRE to know more about them, to get to know them better. what was the point of keeping them around then? to prove that i’m popular? to prove that i can retain friends on a virtual social media page?
i’m no longer content with superficiality. i’m not content in one-sided relationships. i’m FINALLY ok with having a small circle of friends, even if they live hours away. at least i know that i can call them and talk about anything. their lives are important to me. and through their actions, i can see that my life is important to them. of course, we don’t talk every day. heck, not even necessarily every week, but we are important to each other. our lives are important to each other.
these are the kinds of friends i want around me. people i can talk to about problems and share my joys. people who can talk to me and share their problems and joys. i’m glad that i’ve realized this. i’m glad that i have the strength to let go of dead weight ‘friends’. i’m glad that the number on my friends page or my blog hits isn’t a number that defines me or contributes to my worth. my cell phone contacts do not determine how much of a worthwhile person i am.
my worth is calculated with more than numbers. it is not a function of what i can prove to people who look at my facebook or in my cell contacts list. i’ve realized that i’m worth good friends and i will search out good friends. i will let go of bad friends or non-friends in order to make room for the good friends, the real friends, the friends worth my time. i no longer need to hold on to those things of the past. my eyes are up, looking to the future, daring it to challenge me and i can’t wait to see who comes on that journey with me.