i’m sitting at my kitchen table over a bowl of stuffing at 9 pm swimming in a sea of undefinable emotion. this feeling or these feelings that have no name, that have no real way of being expressed.
maybe i’ve simply just had a long day. i’ve been up since 6:15. we met with a financial planner this morning. i practiced for my chair audition at 11. i went to class an hour early accidentally and spent an hour perusing the internets before class. i had my first day of real class for the semester, notes and everything. i did my audition, met some of my new fluties, chatted with them about this and that. then i had my audition and chatted with her for a while about how my life is going and how it’s different and wonderful and all of that stuff. i had time to eat lunch so i walked over to where james works and had lunch with him. i walked back to campus for my final class of the day. then i had three and half hours to do… nothing. i sold all my books back because i got them online for way cheaper. i didn’t have anything to read, i had no research for my proposals to read. i spend three hours on facebook, lolcats, loldogs, failblog, in reader and my email. i chatted with a professor who i really respect and enjoy. i chatted with little brother for quite a while too when he happened to find me. i walked back over to james’ work so we could go home. we made some supper and i hit the books immediately after supper. i’m tired. it’s been a long day.
maybe it’s the fact that i’ve been suddenly trying to learn portion control. i’m eating less throughout the day, taking smaller portions, not going back for seconds. i wonder if the sudden drop is making me more tired, more irritable, more prone to this kind of weird mood. we’re not eating anything different, i’m just eating less of it. james was trying to get to the bottom of how i feel, asking if i wanted to do this or that and the ONLY thing i could think of was ‘i want to eat stuffing’. i’m craving it, i want it, i want to eat and i want to eat now. the stuffing is really good, i’m really enjoying it though it’s doing nothing to alleviate my mood.
maybe it’s from the content of one of the textbooks i was reading for my physiological psych class. the author is not coming off as very objective or even all that scientific to me, though this is only the first chapter. he presents evolution as fact and as i’m reading it, it just sounds ridiculous to me. i can’t fathom for the life of me how people can buy into people evolving from bacteria in the mud. i realize that my beliefs could come off as equally ridiculous saying that an Intelligent Creator designed the entire universe, spoke planets, animals, light, water, and plants into existence. this Creator also molded humankind out of mud and breathed life into humans creating their spirits and their soul. yes, it sounds pretty ridiculous scientifically too, i know. but at least it ACCOUNTS for how LIFE began. i cannot buy the fact that one day life didn’t exist and the next day it did. that one day the earth was full of mud and weird stuff and suddenly bacteria or whatever formed. life from no life. it CAN’T happen. maybe the thing that REALLY bothers me is that evolution is presented as fact and not a theory. it’s the theory of evolution. why can’t there also be a theory of intelligent design? i think that individual species evolve over time but i don’t believe that one turns into another. not buying that.
maybe it’s the fact that this author wasted two pages trying to convince people that animal testing is necessary. i agree with him, but he ranted for TWO PAGES about. the section was titled ‘ethics and animal testing’ or something of that nature and he barely touched on ethics. he said that animals need to be treated and tested humanely. duh. and then went on to rant about how pet owners are responsible for more death than scientific research, ranted about animal right’s books and the number of pages devoted to certain subjects within animal rights and how they blow out of proportion animal testing and all that. now, i don’t mind that he presented the information, it’s good information, but it was in the form of a rant. not objective, information presentation.
maybe it’s the fact that i just started a new no baby pill and it’s messing with my hormones or something causing weird effects on my moods and emotions.
maybe it’s the fact that as much as i say this blog is for me and my mental health (and it really is), i still get those pangs of jealousy when i visit other blogs who have tons of readers and commenters. i know i have a fair amount of readers, i can see it every time i post and my hit counter jumps and my little wordpress graph spikes. i even had two facebook (and irl friends) tell me in the past couple days that they read my blog and they like what i write (shout out to you two, you know who you are). at the same time, it begs the question why not say something then? why not share if i’ve touched something in your mind or your heart? why not disagree if you think i’m a raving idiot? i’m sure that it’s simply the fact that they’re shy, they don’t want to say anything or aren’t very articulate in the written word (which quite honestly is very foreign to me). i see other high commenting numbers and i covet them. i do realize that in order to get those numbers, i have to get out there. i have to find other blogs to read. i have to comment on them. i know all of this and i know that with school starting, i simply won’t have all the time in the world to keep up with more than the 11 or 12 that i have right now. i went in search of some good blogs, heck, i went looking for specifically christian blogs and was disappointed with what i found.
maybe it’s the fact that i’m disappointed with the results of my last blog circle expanding venture. i found christian blogs but they were so poorly written that i couldn’t get through them. grammar was horrendous. train of thought was more like a train wreck. the content was actually good, but the presentation wasn’t. it wasn’t what i was looking for and so of the four that i found and followed, i think i’m still following one. they don’t post that often so it’s taking longer to decide if i want to continue following.
maybe it’s the fact that i sit in school all day and do work, and then after class do homework, and then get home and have to read while my husband is able to play computer games after work. he’s able to relax while i need to continue working. there might be a bit of jealousy there. perhaps i’m feeling lonely being stuck reading all by myself. it’s possible that i wish he would sit by me while i have to read (sometimes ridiculous) textbooks and that i could share with him what i’m reading or just simply not have to know that he’s playing while i’m working. i think part of me would be satisfied chaining him to the couch as long as i have to do homework. of course, he works all day and when i’m surfing the net after class, he’s working hard. and he works hard all year long. still… there’s a tiny sense of injustice in the irrational part of my being.
maybe it’s simply the fact that i’m human, life is changing, and it’s causing an unusual amount of stress on me and my body which is manifesting itself in different ways. life is suddenly busier with more things to do, more places to go, more books to read, more words to highlight, more papers to write, more lectures to listen to, more people in classes to meet, more hoops to jump through, more hours awake and away from home, more libidos that cut into sleep time, more dishes on the counter and clothes on the floor. simply more things to do and less time in which to do them.
i suppose there are a lot of reasons that i could be feeling the way i’m feeling and maybe it’s not necessarily bad. maybe it’s my body’s way of forcing me to take a break, my body’s way of shutting down so that i can recharge.