being moody…

so lately, i’ve been a little moody. i’m sure that it has a lot to do with school stress and feeling time crunched and not being able to do all the things that need to get done when i want to get them done, whether it’s lack of time or lack of motivation.

i’m also going through somewhat of an identity crisis. lately, it seems that people are talking about their personalities, jumping and trying new things, reflecting on where their lives have gone, projecting where they’d like to see their life go, revealing walls and flaws, even completely changing the tone of their blog. in short, people are changing, growing, developing.

part of me feels like i’m SO stuck. i look around, outside of myself, i see the person that i’d like to be, but i am not really sure that it’s attainable.

why?

because i want to change my PERSONALITY. lately, i’ve been incredibly discontent with who i am, how things are going, how i respond to things and i’m not entirely sure if it’s just because i’m somewhere in the middle of a depressive episode or if it’s because i’m stressed with school or if i’m simply being too critical of myself. i am that person who CONSTANTLY wonders what people see in me that makes them want to stick around. if people came up with a ‘Top 10 (or 5 or 3 or 2) Reasons I Like Cari Today’ i’d NEVER get tired of it. if i was DAILY told the things i do right, the things i do well, the things that aren’t quite able to be put into words, i’d never be tired of it. of course, i’m sure that a lot of people wouldn’t get tired of that. it’s wonderful to hear what other people see and like about someone.

it’s entirely possible that i’m WAY overcritical of myself. as in, now that i think about it, i feel like the previous paragraph is COMPLETELY ridiculous, everyone feels the same way, i’m in no way, shape or form different or unique from everyone else. it makes me want to delete the previous paragraph, and heck, the WHOLE POST and not even write anything. BUT, i’m not going to let myself take the easy way out today. this criticalness is, of course, part of the reason i haven’t been blogging much lately. i hate everything i start, it sounds ridiculous, i delete it and don’t even try for something else. it’s just easier. and then i don’t sit through the writing of the rest of a blog post feeling dumb.

anyway, i’ve strayed off topic. personality.

i have what i would consider an assertive and somewhat dramatic personality. now, i DON’T like personal drama, i DON’T blow things WAY out of proportion for the sake of attention, i just don’t really do those kinds of things. while some people are shy to speak up in a crowd or in a class, i’m the first to do so, whether or not i have anything to share. if i have something to say that relates to conversation, i share it – incomplete story (or no story) or not. i am the one who steps in, takes charge, all those kinds of things. i tell colorful, albeit sometimes rather exaggerated, stories. i say things like ‘million billion’ when i mean 3 and i talk loudly when i don’t need to and make even a trip to the grocery store seem like an adventure with obstacles, good guys, bad guys, and maybe even a fire-breathing dragon.

i write those things and they don’t seem so bad, but i wonder this: if i met myself, would i like me? would i want to spend time with me?

i don’t really have an answer, but my gut says probably not. i would probably think that i’m too over the top, too loud, to pushy, too obnoxious, too aggressive or assertive and a whole host of other things that i’m too much of.

so how does one change their personality? how does one change their disposition? how do i go from being borderline histrionic to walking down the middle of the road? do i even need to? is there a necessity to change or am i just seeing things? am i just making them up? am i seeing myself as more out of control than i really am? am i seeing myself as less desirable as a person than i should be? am i just fine the way i am, or should i try to change?

there are so many questions that roll around in my head about this and i don’t know what the right answer. often, i don’t even have the words to express what i feel deep down. or i don’t want to. i certainly think about it enough, but part of me doesn’t want to make a big deal out of it. i’m so critical of myself that i don’t really want, or need, criticism from others.

i’m not entirely sure where i was going with this anymore, so i think i’ll stop. a lot of me doesn’t want to share this because it seems like it’s me fishing for assurance. i guess i’m just trying to be real, i’m trying to be me, i’m trying to be authentic. i guess i’m just not sure that this is the kind of authentic people are looking for. i’m not sure of a lot of things. i’m just not sure.