being moody…

so lately, i’ve been a little moody. i’m sure that it has a lot to do with school stress and feeling time crunched and not being able to do all the things that need to get done when i want to get them done, whether it’s lack of time or lack of motivation.

i’m also going through somewhat of an identity crisis. lately, it seems that people are talking about their personalities, jumping and trying new things, reflecting on where their lives have gone, projecting where they’d like to see their life go, revealing walls and flaws, even completely changing the tone of their blog. in short, people are changing, growing, developing.

part of me feels like i’m SO stuck. i look around, outside of myself, i see the person that i’d like to be, but i am not really sure that it’s attainable.

why?

because i want to change my PERSONALITY. lately, i’ve been incredibly discontent with who i am, how things are going, how i respond to things and i’m not entirely sure if it’s just because i’m somewhere in the middle of a depressive episode or if it’s because i’m stressed with school or if i’m simply being too critical of myself. i am that person who CONSTANTLY wonders what people see in me that makes them want to stick around. if people came up with a ‘Top 10 (or 5 or 3 or 2) Reasons I Like Cari Today’ i’d NEVER get tired of it. if i was DAILY told the things i do right, the things i do well, the things that aren’t quite able to be put into words, i’d never be tired of it. of course, i’m sure that a lot of people wouldn’t get tired of that. it’s wonderful to hear what other people see and like about someone.

it’s entirely possible that i’m WAY overcritical of myself. as in, now that i think about it, i feel like the previous paragraph is COMPLETELY ridiculous, everyone feels the same way, i’m in no way, shape or form different or unique from everyone else. it makes me want to delete the previous paragraph, and heck, the WHOLE POST and not even write anything. BUT, i’m not going to let myself take the easy way out today. this criticalness is, of course, part of the reason i haven’t been blogging much lately. i hate everything i start, it sounds ridiculous, i delete it and don’t even try for something else. it’s just easier. and then i don’t sit through the writing of the rest of a blog post feeling dumb.

anyway, i’ve strayed off topic. personality.

i have what i would consider an assertive and somewhat dramatic personality. now, i DON’T like personal drama, i DON’T blow things WAY out of proportion for the sake of attention, i just don’t really do those kinds of things. while some people are shy to speak up in a crowd or in a class, i’m the first to do so, whether or not i have anything to share. if i have something to say that relates to conversation, i share it – incomplete story (or no story) or not. i am the one who steps in, takes charge, all those kinds of things. i tell colorful, albeit sometimes rather exaggerated, stories. i say things like ‘million billion’ when i mean 3 and i talk loudly when i don’t need to and make even a trip to the grocery store seem like an adventure with obstacles, good guys, bad guys, and maybe even a fire-breathing dragon.

i write those things and they don’t seem so bad, but i wonder this: if i met myself, would i like me? would i want to spend time with me?

i don’t really have an answer, but my gut says probably not. i would probably think that i’m too over the top, too loud, to pushy, too obnoxious, too aggressive or assertive and a whole host of other things that i’m too much of.

so how does one change their personality? how does one change their disposition? how do i go from being borderline histrionic to walking down the middle of the road? do i even need to? is there a necessity to change or am i just seeing things? am i just making them up? am i seeing myself as more out of control than i really am? am i seeing myself as less desirable as a person than i should be? am i just fine the way i am, or should i try to change?

there are so many questions that roll around in my head about this and i don’t know what the right answer. often, i don’t even have the words to express what i feel deep down. or i don’t want to. i certainly think about it enough, but part of me doesn’t want to make a big deal out of it. i’m so critical of myself that i don’t really want, or need, criticism from others.

i’m not entirely sure where i was going with this anymore, so i think i’ll stop. a lot of me doesn’t want to share this because it seems like it’s me fishing for assurance. i guess i’m just trying to be real, i’m trying to be me, i’m trying to be authentic. i guess i’m just not sure that this is the kind of authentic people are looking for. i’m not sure of a lot of things. i’m just not sure.

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2 thoughts on “being moody…

  1. Maaaaam says:

    Yes, you’re probably experiencing the first of the “winter doldrums” when the reality of winter hits. And you may be in a depressive cycle. But I also believe that you’re searching out because God is wanting to change you……big or little, but a change is coming. This is usually how it begins with me. Then something will be revealed – I’ll hate it that I have to deal with it – then I’ll deal with it (lately it’s been sooner rather than later – thank you God for maturity), and then I’m content again with who I am. You are right – you aren’t the only one who feels this way. You’re one of the few who will actually verbalize it though. Don’t be ashamed of who you are – embrace it. It’s who God made you to be – and you are made in His image. Don’t let the “conformity” to the world seem so attractive that you’re willing to give up who you are to “please” others. That only leads to pain. It’s amazing now that I’m going through something fairly similar that I’m seeing it everywhere. This morning on Joyce Meyer – she was saying that we are EXACTLY who God made us to be. He made you boisterous, adventurous, fun-loving, loud because that’s what He wanted to show the world of who He was through you. (I hope that makes sense.) I truly couldn’t imagine you any other way. I’d be sad if that part of you went away.

    There are verses that God has given to me – Ephesians 1:4, Psalm 139: 15-16, Psalm 138:8, Isaiah 46: 3b-4, and James 1:18. Read them, ponder them, BELIEVE THEM, and be who God created you to be!! Don’t ever be sorry for who you are – embrace it and live life with outrageous joy.

  2. lurking dad says:

    Lurk ……… lurk ………. lurk……….

    I happen to think you are over analyzing everything. That just happens to be the field you want to get into where you will analyze everything to find the meaning beneath it all. It can be a help. It can also drive you crazy. I can relate to the part about “why would they want to hang around me?” But I prefer to slip into the background and go mostly unnoticed. I don’t quite need the stokes you do. It is nice to be recognized for some things, but it is not the motivating force. ramble ramble ramble blah blah blah Does anything I say make sense? Am I ever helpful? Changing your personality is not the way to go. You cannot change who you are. What you can change is how your react to your perceptions of actions and events and interactions. Sometimes that requires you to be way to slow to respond to some things. But some of those things probably should be responded to in that fashion because the quick response can put things out there you had not intended. (A measured and contemplated response?)

    You have a lot going on in your life at the moment. It could take a few years before you will make sense of some of it. By then some/most/all of the pressures you are currently facing will have gone and new ones will have taken their place. It just works that way. You don’t want to overwhelm yourself with what could happen. Focus on the now. Plan for the future. Be flexible. Make sure to talk it out with someone you can trust. Those are important relationships. How do you tell? Those are the ones who are there no matter the situation and circumstances. Smile while you run. It is not a sprint. “Fly like a duck!” 🙂

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