you are my sweetest downfall…

i have two more days of class before finals. i cannot wait.

after my two days of class, i have a day off. study day. which should be glorious – staying home, doing a bit of studying, and getting ready to play some music for some people. yep, you heard me right, i’m doing live music.

my friend is having an art exhibit at a gallery and he wanted some live music, so he asked me and considering he did all the work for our wedding invites and programs, i could most certainly return the favor. and i’ve been WAITING for an excuse to pull clinty back out and play him. of course, the irony is that i won’t be playing clinty there, i’ll be playing a MUCH better guitar. which is always good.

i have to say, i’m REALLY excited for this wednesday. i’m excited to play, i’m excited to sing and everything. really, honestly. my fingers are NOT ready, which kinda sucks. i played for an hour tonight and they’re super tender. i HAD wanted to be playing more over the past two weeks but with school, i just didn’t really make the time to play and get my fingers all calloused and now i’m trying to crunch callous and anyone who’s ever played a string instrument knows how THAT goes.

so i’m playing quite a variety of songs, from oasis to keri noble to maren ord to jars of clay and tenth avenue north and relient k and regina spektor and a variety of Christmas songs, because of course, can’t play music in december without whipping out a few of those. they are the last two mini sets i’ll be playing.

i’m also playing a mini set of my own music. as in, stuff i’ve written myself. i’m usually really self-conscious about people hearing my own music because i’m really afraid of what they’ll say about it. i’m afraid that someone will tell me it sucks and that i shouldn’t be writing and whatever. yeah, a little irrational, i know. now, i didn’t just arbitrarily pick four songs – i picked them based on how good i think they are, and you’re always your own toughest critic. two of the four were written about the ex and the surrounding situation, one was written about someone i met after the ex became the ex and one was written for a lady in my church who was diagnosed with cancer a year and a half ago.

like i said, i’ve been practicing on and off for a couple weeks and something really surprised me. something i never expected to happen. i pulled out my songs to practice them, to see if i still know them and they elicited NO emotional reaction (and of course they always have in the past). well, no NEGATIVE emotional reaction. which i think is SO strange. you would think that such an emotionally charged event would cause a little more reaction than how i reacted. honestly, i’m really excited about that. i think that i’ll really be able to just SING and not worry about anything. yeah, i might think of the ex and that other boy, but it doesn’t matter. thinking about them is no longer emotionally draining and detrimental to me.

i’m so ok with that. i love those moments where i am really able to see how far i’ve come in a certain amount of time. i love seeing how some events hold less and less importance in my life and how i’m able to move on and live my life. i’m able to do what i want to do and love what i’m doing. i’m finally finding a bit of freedom, finding that i can spread my wings and fly, finding that i can succeed in what i want to do. it is such an amazing feeling – and then being able to sing about it. remembering my experiences through songs and music.

i remember avidly writing songs as my life went up and down. i remember trying to find the perfect melody, the perfect accompaniment and time to make them all sound as unique as possible. i think that i’ve also really achieved that with this two hour set of music. even though it’s just going to be me and the guitar, i think that i’ve found songs that sound sufficiently different that it’s not going to sound like one continuous song that has a few breaks here and there. there were days when i had thought i’d lost my passion for music, but in all reality, it was just a reaction to stress. it was just my mind shutting out things that weren’t directly related and tied to what i needed to be doing at that moment – school. it’s refreshing to see that i HAVEN’T lost it, that it’s still there – heck, that i can still remember how to play these songs that i haven’t played for a year or more. it’s pretty darn awesome.

ps. bonus points to whoever knows where the title of this post comes from.


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