i have spent all morning reading the student handbook for a seminary i’m applying to. i read the handbook so that i would be able to clearly outline the ways in which i agree with the beliefs and statements and philosophy of the seminary. i read the handbook to help me out, but the more i read it, the more terrified i am to write these essays. the more i wonder if i truly can do this. the more i wonder if i’m good enough to get into this place.
i think about my transcript and i have a BUNCH of music courses and a BUNCH of psychology courses, but only 3 english classes, 2 spanish classes, no history, 1 philosophy class. i feel like i’m not very well-rounded. i feel like i’m not prepared. i have no religion courses. i have no greek or hebrew classes. i have pretty good grades, an excellent GPA. i am volunteering in mental health, i am helping to lead a recovery life group at church.
as far as job experience, i have worked in retail. and more retail. i once had a job working with kids with behavioral problems, but i had to quit because the stress of the job was giving me so many migraines.
i really, really want to believe that i can do this and that i will be a good fit at this place. i can honestly see myself at this place. i agree with their education and theological philosophy. i agree with their statements of faith. i agree with so many things, i KNOW i would fit in. i KNOW it would be a great place.
these darn nerves, though. the thoughts that creep in and say ‘you’re never going to be able to say the things that will get you in’. the thoughts that make me believe that i’m not good enough to get in. i have no doubt i’d be great once i get there, but applying to get in is TERRIFYING! there are so many essays i have to write and i feel like they have to be brilliant and i have to address things that i haven’t really, really thought about before. i have to figure out what i want to do with this degree at the end of the day. i have to figure all of these things out. i have to put them down into coherent essays. i have to sell myself in fewer than 10 pages when it’s all said and done. somehow, in these pages, i have to get this committee to say ‘THIS is the girl we want’ even though i don’t feel adequately qualified to get in.
it’s one of those things where i sit and think ‘woulda, shoulda, coulda’. i should have been working in the field, i should have been doing research with a faculty member, i should have done more. i could have taken more diverse classes. if i had figured this out sooner, i would have done so many things differently. i know that grades and classes and experience aren’t the whole picture. i KNOW that there is an in-person interview. i KNOW that i can do this, if i can just get in the door.
i’m afraid that i won’t be able to get in the door.
anyone who has ever applied for anything knows this feeling. i know i’m not alone. i know a lot of things, but that certainly doesn’t make writing these essays any easier and certainly isn’t putting my mind at rest.