in light of everything…

times are a-changin’. word of mouth has been replaced by newspapers which have been replaced with news online. the internet has made it possible to connect the entire globe. it has also made searching people really easy, especially if one knows what he or she is doing.

i’m moving into the professional world, i’m getting away from college, from being young and dumb. i have to start looking toward the future and protecting that future. schools, employers, business contacts, and other people with whom we come in contact are capable of looking up anything.

this will be the last unpassword protected post on my blog. every post is now password protected as will all posts in the future. i know i don’t say a whole lot and i don’t run my mouth and generally don’t complain about specific people on my blog, but it’s not about that. it’s about making sure that the image i project to those who are looking is the image i WANT to project and what i share with people is what i WANT to share with them.

i’m not trying to exclude people from reading it. i’m really not, i just want to be more careful. so, if you are one who reads my blog and would like to continue doing so in the future, just shoot me an email or facebook message and i’ll get that pw to you. you can comment here, too if you want and i’ll shoot you an email.

obviously, i’ll be leaving this one up for a while before finally protecting this one too. i want to give everyone who reads this the opportunity to continue if they so desire. i finally don’t care about hits and numbers and stats. i care about sharing what i want to share without having to worry about the ‘wrong’ person finding it. my thoughts and comments are precious to me, and i don’t want them out there for just anyone to find.

so let me know if you wish to continue reading. i’d certainly love to still have you on this ride!

Advertisements

3 to go…

i have officially applied to further my education. i’m looking at two programs (see here and here) and they both have great strong points and a few things i’d rather leave behind. Such is every stage in life, though, isn’t it? I knew that interviewing was part of the process as well, so, me being the stressball i’ve been about this so far, i HAD to inquire to each school about it. turns out that interviews don’t happen until after i’m through the first round of cuts of applicants.

terrifying.

i’m certainly not worried about the interview. i’m almost certain that once they finally meet me and start to get to know me, that they’re going to be breaking down my door to give them money, to get a degree from them and have me grace their campus with my presence. i’m sure of it.

it’s the getting through the first round that’s scary.

i don’t feel anymore like i’m not good enough to go, as mentioned previously. i know that i am, it’s just waiting on something over which i no longer have any control. everything is in. my heart is on my sleeve. i’ve put myself out there, and now i have to wait to see if who i am is the kind of person that they are looking for.

it’s strange being in that state of limbo. i feel like i’m LIVING in limbo. school hasn’t quite settled in yet, i’m not 100% sure how my classes are going because it feels like classes are being canceled left and right. i only HAVE class four days a week, and having that three day weekend is throwing me off. i know that all the evening activities haven’t started yet, and i’m sure that will through some stability into the routine and make it feel more school-year-like, which i honestly prefer. i’d rather feel like i KNOW what season i’m in. it’s hard not knowing what i’m doing in class and if something is due and did i do it and i don’t have one of my classes for 3 class periods and another has canceled the last 2 class periods and a third one i have NO idea what’s going on. yeah. ps. did you like that run on sentence? i thought it was pretty sweet.

anyway.

so my applications are submitted. my transcripts have been requested. i’ve paid my money and signed my forms. all i have left to get in are 3 references. one that i know has been sent in recently and the others? no idea. of course, i know who hasn’t gotten them in yet and asking is no problem, but it’s just kinda weird. i have 3 references standing in the way of a committee deciding what my options are.

3 references.

20 minutes of time.

it’s pretty crazy. and as stressful as it is, part of me is actually pretty peaceful about it. there’s nothing left for me to do. there’s nothing else i CAN do. just be patient. trust. wait. live.

breathe…

training…

i have decided that i am going to run a half marathon this spring. i’ve been MEANING to for the past 3 years or so, but this year, i’m finally DOING it and i’m really excited about it. i found a training plan that i like because it incorporates strength training, but not a whole bunch of other fancy stuff. other plans i’ve seen are either for super noobs (run four days a week and nothing else) or turbo elites (speed work and hills 2 days a week, running 50 miles on saturday and cross training 1 day a week and all that). needless to say, i’m somewhere in the middle. i want a LITTLE bit of speed work and to be honest, it’s fairly difficult to find good hills to run in fargo.

today was day 1 of training. 117 days until race day, and coincidentally, the big 2-5 for me. someone’s gonna be doing a birthday run and i’m really excited about it. also, family will be in town because my dad, at this point, is planning on running the half as well, so i’m gonna get a SWEET birthday supper too. probably at my favorite restaurant, red lobster. seafood + pasta + post-run starvation = WIN!!!

like i said, i’m really excited about this. i’m actually looking forward to training, to getting in shape, to warmer weather so i can run outside. i have fewer classes this semester, but i’m volunteering more and i have two life groups this semester, so it’s still going to be a super busy semester. i think that this will be a great thing that i can do, just me. it will be something i can accomplish and do to  reduce stress since there are lots of things this semester that are capable of producing lots of stress. class, waiting on answers from seminaries, volunteering by leading a support group and not having many evenings free. and by not many, i mean 2 nights a week with nothing going on. so, it’s going to be pretty crazy, but i know it’s going to be good. i know that it’s going to work out just the way it’s supposed to. it’s just remembering that in the midst of it all, during the times i’m most stressed, when it’s hard to see the light at the end.

life is like that, though, isn’t it? every time, every season of our lives are filled with busyness of some kind – school, work, play,  family, friends, church. there’s always something eating up our time and filling our free space. how many of us have that one thing that relaxes us, that we love and can strive toward without adding stress? i know that i can strive to be a better runner, but ultimately, it’s for me. i’m not trying to perform for anyone, not trying to stay good enough to stay in the ensemble, not beholden to the standards of others. running is for me and about me and it will be me who decides whether i want to train harder or lighter, race or not, train or enjoy. just thinking about it makes me smile – true freedom in a hobby. how great is that?

i’m really looking forward to the future and i’m so excited to see what it will bring.

ignorance and irritants…

i can’t say that i’m up on the times and completely aware of what is going on in the world outside of my little bubble, mostly because what’s INSIDE my little bubble takes up about as much energy and effort as i have to get from day to day. however, when i do come out of my bubble, i try to catch up and everything.

i’ve noticed recently that the media and others are gobbling up the grand opportunity presented to openly and indiscriminately bash and cut down those who have, use or enjoy guns. as though the gun walked into that room all by itself and went off. don’t get me wrong, i think it’s ridiculous that this happened and i truly sympathize with family and friends who are forced to deal with the ramifications and repercussions of this terrible tragedy.

what i wonder, however, is when are those who think that guns did this going to realize that it was a PERSON who did this? this man, whoever he is, whatever his problems was the one who pulled the trigger. it’s as though people forget that weapons of any kind can do no damage without a living force acting upon it. a gun, knife or machete on a table is just as harmless on that table as a gummy bear.

what i think is also equally ridiculous is that there are those who are blaming sarah palin for what happened. like she thought up the idea and passed it along to the perfect unstable person. i don’t do politics, i can honestly say that nothing shuts my ears down faster than political talk, but how do you blame ONE person for creating an environment where unstable people make stupid choices and kill others? the way that democrats and republicans equally rip on each other and blame each other for everything that happens, it’s no wonder that people in our country can’t get healthcare or professional help for mental problems and abuse of welfare and other government programs and everything else that happens that i can’t even think to mention right now. maybe if they spent as much energy trying to FIX the problems as they spend blaming each other for them, we might get somewhere.

of course, i know that every country, every place has its problems. whether its poverty, corruption, or fierce dictatorships, no country is perfect. every country has its problems. i know i’m not interested in politics enough to try to change anything, but it would be nice sometimes to hear how our country is going to work to HELP those who suffer from illnesses and diseases instead of hearing how inanimate objects created a situation and blame anyone whose name we know.

i know that i’m speaking partly in ignorance because frankly, i don’t have the energy to read the news every day. i don’t want to hear it. i don’t want to read some ignorant person’s view on a situation they really know nothing about. i just get tired of all the blame that goes on everywhere. i get tired of no one trying to come up with a VIABLE solution. i just get tired of it all.

the last first day…

so today is my last first day of classes of my undergraduate career. this is the second time it’s happened and honestly, it’s not quite as exciting as it was the FIRST time it happened. i can’t say that’s a bad thing because i’m much more excited about the degree i will have in about 5 months than i was the first time around.

this semester is also going to be much different than previous semesters simply because i have SO MUCH more free time during my day. it’s kinda ridiculous actually. on monday and wednesday i have two classes. 1030 and 3 pm. what the HECK am i going to do during that time? i have no idea. i guess homework when that comes, but holy turbo, that’s a lot of time to have for homework. tuesday and thursday i have class from 1030 to 245 i think, pretty much straight through. which is fine. i’d honestly rather have it like that, though the lack of time for lunch thing is kind of annoying. and then friday? yep. at home all day because i ain’t got no classes on friday. i’m totally okay with that too.

so all of this means that i’m going to have more free time this semester than i’ve EVER had before. EVER. i do have an experiment that i’m doing this semester, so all of that free time will come in handy when trying to get participants for my study. especially the all day friday thing. i’m also doing more with my volunteering this semester, which is pretty cool. i was thinking, though, that i might switch up some of the days that i volunteer at the social club and do that during part of my four hour break between classes, which would actually be pretty cool. then, i’d get one more hour per week there (or even more) which looks GREAT anywhere, especially resumes and applications. 🙂 i do really like being there too, but sometimes the three hour block with no real direction gets pretty long, so it’d be nice to break that up into about 2 or 2.5 hour blocks. we’ll see though. have to talk to the supervisor, though i’m sure she’ll be fine with just about anything.

i have to say, though, i’m not at all stressed about this semester. having KICKED last semester in the FACE, i know that i can do it again. so, that confidence is pretty awesome.

the ONLY thing i have to worry about right now is getting my applications in. essays are written, they’ve been looked at by a few people, edited by me once and once the husband reads them, i’ll edit them one more time and send them off with a kiss and a prayer. i’m feeling more and more confident about the essays, though. i think i wrote them VERY well (which other people have affirmed) and i think that they represent me very well as well. i know i’ll be a good fit, it’s just trusting that God will make everything work out… that’s the hard part. not knowing for sure. of course, i’ll NEVER know if i don’t get these lovely things submitted.

so anyway, i was going to spend a little time with the instrument this morning, which would probably be very good for me since i haven’t really looked at it since my last concert. yeah, i’m bad. oh wells. this instrument is not going to determine whether or not i graduate. it just helps me maintain my sanity.

so here’s to the final semester, working my tail off, seeing where the future takes me and having a blast doing it all!

untitled…

so i thought that being on break would allow me more time and energy to post and read other’s thoughts. for some reason, i thought that i would have plenty of time over this break to do all the things i needed and wanted to get done. however, something happened that i didn’t anticipate.

i realized that i NEEDED. A. BREAK.

this past semester in school was ridiculously busy. the past year of my LIFE has been ridiculously busy. i started school, i met a man, i moved three times, i tried REALLY hard and WORKED really hard in school, i got engaged to a man, we planned a wedding, i got married to a man, i spent a summer as a wife, i took two classes over the summer, i had a crazy semester working my tail off. i did learn one REALLY important lesson this year, though. one probably more important than any other lesson ever: i HAVE to take time off from DOING stuff sometimes. i have to ALLOW myself to be lazy sometimes, to spend ALL DAY playing video games or watching tv or whatever. i have to have some time where i don’t need to get dressed, i don’t need to clean, i don’t need to do anything. sometimes i have to recharge.

this Christmas break has allowed me a lot of that. last week, i was afraid of getting bored with my break. i thought that i was ready for school to start up again so that i would have something to do. it didn’t really occur to me until this morning that i haven’t taken many days off. i’ve been really stressed about applying to seminary. REALLY stressed. i think about it ALL. THE. TIME. if i wasn’t WRITING essays, i was THINKING about essays, i was THINKING about applications, i was WORRYING about getting in. this process has consumed my ENTIRE break. i haven’t ALLOWED myself to simply TAKE A BREAK.

being the person that i am, however, taking breaks is hard. i want to achieve, i want to accomplish, i want to DO stuff, i want to be GOOD at stuff. it seems that the person i THOUGHT i was and the person i AM are two different people. i had in my head this idea of what kind of person it would be great for me to be – laid back, go with the flow kind of person. i saw myself like that, i honestly thought that was who i was.

guess what? i’m not.

i’m headstrong, talkative, strong-willed, stubborn, loud, and sometimes pretty obnoxious. i am a good leader, though i expect a lot from those who ‘follow’ me. i have an idea of what needs to be done and i expect that people will take care of it. i expect even more out of myself.

it’s been kind of difficult coming to grips with that. i know that’s a little ridiculous, but it’s hard seeing yourself as you really are when you’ve seen yourself as so different for so long. part of me doesn’t like the fact that i’m more type A than type B, that i’m not as mild and soft spoken as i thought. for some reason, i have in my head that people like me aren’t as good as those who aren’t. i have in my head that we need to tone down, lighten up, put on a smile and go with the flow. sometimes it’s hard to see that the world needs people like me. everyone has their personality, their strengths, their weaknesses. we all complement each other in some way or another. one of my strengths is someone else’s weakness and one of their strengths is my weakness. we all need each other to balance out.

i’m not entirely sure where i got this idea that me being who and how i am isn’t as good as being like someone totally opposite. maybe it was multiple people telling me to act differently or reinforcing times when i WAS laid back or went with the flow, maybe it was looking around me and seeing the laid back people were liked more. maybe it was a combination of a lot of things. maybe it was just that the time was never taken to evaluate who i am and see the positives. maybe being different was a way to be made fun of less often. i’m not sure where it all came about.

what i know now is that who i am is part of what got me to where i am today. God has given me strengths, weakness, gifts, talents, etc., and i need to use them for what they are. i can’t keep living as though i’m someone that i’m not. i have to remember that i have friends, i have a husband, and they love me for WHO I AM. they see me for who i am, not how i see me. they see me and they LIKE me for it. heck, they LOVE me for it. even when i overreact, even when i freak out over something small, even when i expect too much of them. they still come back, they still love me for me. who i am is better than good enough. it’s perfect for me, even thought i’m not perfect (which in itself is sometimes hard to swallow). i’m not a superhero. i can’t do it all. i fail sometimes, i have to eat and sleep and that’s okay too.

so i know i’ve been absent lately, mostly because part of me feels as though i need to have a deep, meaningful, thoughtful post before it’s worth posting. i’ll probably be more absent than not coming up, though i’ll try to do a MUCH better job of keeping up with OTHER people’s blogs and even commenting sometimes. when i have a lot of posts to read, i’m MUCH less likely to comment because i want to get to the end of reader. i want it cleared out. i have to realize that reading blogs isn’t something to check off a list, something to accomplish. it’s a way to keep in contact with the wonderful people i’ve come to know over the internet. i have to realize that sometimes it’s okay to leave a little comment, something that says ‘hey, i’ve stopped by!’. it’s okay to not be deep and insightful all the time. it’s ok to be me.