so i thought that being on break would allow me more time and energy to post and read other’s thoughts. for some reason, i thought that i would have plenty of time over this break to do all the things i needed and wanted to get done. however, something happened that i didn’t anticipate.
i realized that i NEEDED. A. BREAK.
this past semester in school was ridiculously busy. the past year of my LIFE has been ridiculously busy. i started school, i met a man, i moved three times, i tried REALLY hard and WORKED really hard in school, i got engaged to a man, we planned a wedding, i got married to a man, i spent a summer as a wife, i took two classes over the summer, i had a crazy semester working my tail off. i did learn one REALLY important lesson this year, though. one probably more important than any other lesson ever: i HAVE to take time off from DOING stuff sometimes. i have to ALLOW myself to be lazy sometimes, to spend ALL DAY playing video games or watching tv or whatever. i have to have some time where i don’t need to get dressed, i don’t need to clean, i don’t need to do anything. sometimes i have to recharge.
this Christmas break has allowed me a lot of that. last week, i was afraid of getting bored with my break. i thought that i was ready for school to start up again so that i would have something to do. it didn’t really occur to me until this morning that i haven’t taken many days off. i’ve been really stressed about applying to seminary. REALLY stressed. i think about it ALL. THE. TIME. if i wasn’t WRITING essays, i was THINKING about essays, i was THINKING about applications, i was WORRYING about getting in. this process has consumed my ENTIRE break. i haven’t ALLOWED myself to simply TAKE A BREAK.
being the person that i am, however, taking breaks is hard. i want to achieve, i want to accomplish, i want to DO stuff, i want to be GOOD at stuff. it seems that the person i THOUGHT i was and the person i AM are two different people. i had in my head this idea of what kind of person it would be great for me to be – laid back, go with the flow kind of person. i saw myself like that, i honestly thought that was who i was.
guess what? i’m not.
i’m headstrong, talkative, strong-willed, stubborn, loud, and sometimes pretty obnoxious. i am a good leader, though i expect a lot from those who ‘follow’ me. i have an idea of what needs to be done and i expect that people will take care of it. i expect even more out of myself.
it’s been kind of difficult coming to grips with that. i know that’s a little ridiculous, but it’s hard seeing yourself as you really are when you’ve seen yourself as so different for so long. part of me doesn’t like the fact that i’m more type A than type B, that i’m not as mild and soft spoken as i thought. for some reason, i have in my head that people like me aren’t as good as those who aren’t. i have in my head that we need to tone down, lighten up, put on a smile and go with the flow. sometimes it’s hard to see that the world needs people like me. everyone has their personality, their strengths, their weaknesses. we all complement each other in some way or another. one of my strengths is someone else’s weakness and one of their strengths is my weakness. we all need each other to balance out.
i’m not entirely sure where i got this idea that me being who and how i am isn’t as good as being like someone totally opposite. maybe it was multiple people telling me to act differently or reinforcing times when i WAS laid back or went with the flow, maybe it was looking around me and seeing the laid back people were liked more. maybe it was a combination of a lot of things. maybe it was just that the time was never taken to evaluate who i am and see the positives. maybe being different was a way to be made fun of less often. i’m not sure where it all came about.
what i know now is that who i am is part of what got me to where i am today. God has given me strengths, weakness, gifts, talents, etc., and i need to use them for what they are. i can’t keep living as though i’m someone that i’m not. i have to remember that i have friends, i have a husband, and they love me for WHO I AM. they see me for who i am, not how i see me. they see me and they LIKE me for it. heck, they LOVE me for it. even when i overreact, even when i freak out over something small, even when i expect too much of them. they still come back, they still love me for me. who i am is better than good enough. it’s perfect for me, even thought i’m not perfect (which in itself is sometimes hard to swallow). i’m not a superhero. i can’t do it all. i fail sometimes, i have to eat and sleep and that’s okay too.
so i know i’ve been absent lately, mostly because part of me feels as though i need to have a deep, meaningful, thoughtful post before it’s worth posting. i’ll probably be more absent than not coming up, though i’ll try to do a MUCH better job of keeping up with OTHER people’s blogs and even commenting sometimes. when i have a lot of posts to read, i’m MUCH less likely to comment because i want to get to the end of reader. i want it cleared out. i have to realize that reading blogs isn’t something to check off a list, something to accomplish. it’s a way to keep in contact with the wonderful people i’ve come to know over the internet. i have to realize that sometimes it’s okay to leave a little comment, something that says ‘hey, i’ve stopped by!’. it’s okay to not be deep and insightful all the time. it’s ok to be me.