how far is the east from the west…

…and why can’t i seem to live in that gap distance as well?

i read other blogs and i get a glimpse into the lives of other people through this medium, and i honestly love it. i really do. the only problem is that this satan guy sure seems to have a heyday when i read posts that remind me of things i’ve done in the past that i regret. you know, those old painful memories that get dredged up and the only thing you can think is ‘what a terrible and disgusting person i am!’

i’ve prayed about these things, asked for forgiveness from God and from some of the people my decisions affected, i’ve tried to let them go. it is so hard, though, to forgive MYSELF. to allow the thought that i may, in fact, be human just like everyone else and i, in fact, make mistakes just like everyone else. i make poor decisions sometimes, i don’t look out into the future sometimes, i don’t follow God’s word sometimes, i do exactly what i know is wrong sometimes.

i know that God has forgiven me and forgotten all about my past, He’s let it go. it’s as far as the east is from the west to Him. for me, it seems like it’s as far as my heart is from my head. as far as lying lips are from my ears, my brain and my heart. why is it so easy to listen to the one that tells ONLY lies and so much harder to listen to the one that tells ONLY the truth? why is it so hard to forgive yourself for being human and making a few mistakes? why is it so easy to demean and devalue ourselves based on what a younger, dumber version of ourselves did? why is it so hard to believe that i’ve grown beyond that stage and allow myself to live in the now and enjoy the moments i get to share in someone else’s life?

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

Psalm 103:11-12

15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

Romans 7:15-20

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4 thoughts on “how far is the east from the west…

  1. Kayla says:

    I feel the same way! I am never able to forgive myself for things. There are times when I have mentioned something that I did to the person I did it with/to, and they don’t even remember it, but yet I do, and they still make me feel horrible about myself. So, unfortunately, I can’t offer you any profound conclusion to this, but I can empathize and wonder with you!

    • cari says:

      i think it’s the tiredness and the stress and everything that REALLY brings it out, which i am DEFINITELY right now. at least i’m not alone!

  2. ashley says:

    this is one of the hardest things to do as human beings…I’m not sure if it is a pride thing (which is a different way to look at it). Like, how could I have done that? Well…we’re not so perfect that we’re immune to mistakes.

    But I feel ya. Forgiveness is something I struggle with in its many forms. But there comes a point when you realize looking too long at the past only hinders you from becoming that better person you want to be.

    • cari says:

      i definitely struggle with that pride thing. like, how could *I* have possibly made a mistake like that? i know in my head that it’s not that far of a stretch, especially when considering all the surrounding circumstances. it’s just hard to admit that i’m really human sometimes.

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