…and why can’t i seem to live in that gap distance as well?
i read other blogs and i get a glimpse into the lives of other people through this medium, and i honestly love it. i really do. the only problem is that this satan guy sure seems to have a heyday when i read posts that remind me of things i’ve done in the past that i regret. you know, those old painful memories that get dredged up and the only thing you can think is ‘what a terrible and disgusting person i am!’
i’ve prayed about these things, asked for forgiveness from God and from some of the people my decisions affected, i’ve tried to let them go. it is so hard, though, to forgive MYSELF. to allow the thought that i may, in fact, be human just like everyone else and i, in fact, make mistakes just like everyone else. i make poor decisions sometimes, i don’t look out into the future sometimes, i don’t follow God’s word sometimes, i do exactly what i know is wrong sometimes.
i know that God has forgiven me and forgotten all about my past, He’s let it go. it’s as far as the east is from the west to Him. for me, it seems like it’s as far as my heart is from my head. as far as lying lips are from my ears, my brain and my heart. why is it so easy to listen to the one that tells ONLY lies and so much harder to listen to the one that tells ONLY the truth? why is it so hard to forgive yourself for being human and making a few mistakes? why is it so easy to demean and devalue ourselves based on what a younger, dumber version of ourselves did? why is it so hard to believe that i’ve grown beyond that stage and allow myself to live in the now and enjoy the moments i get to share in someone else’s life?
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.