looking into my future…

sometimes i find it really hard to sit back and think logically about the future. actually, a lot of times i find it hard to think logically. i am such a fantastic thinker (as in fantasy, not being awesome) that i forget to look at the realistic side of life and of the future.

i’ve officially said ‘no’ to the sioux falls mft program, which means that i’m hedging all my bets on getting into the bethel mft program. i’m really okay with that decision though, because i really feel like we’re being led in that direction. so right now, we’re patiently waiting for april 15th, which is the interview date. then, we get to patiently wait until sometime in may to hear for sure whether or not i’m accepted into the program. then it’s doing all the really hard stuff: where do we live? how do we pay for this? what are we going to have for a second car? how will we make this work financially? you know, sitting down and talking about all the logical parts. sometimes i have this romantic notion of how life is going to be – me sitting in some tiny little apartment, working diligently on my master’s, chatting with james via skype or something, and just being in the moment, loving it, learning about the material, about myself and about God when in reality, it most likely WON’T be like that.

it will be long nights alone, in tears, thinking about whether we’re doing the right thing, trying to convince myself that i’m not being selfish pursuing this dream of mine (as well as looking at future educational steps), trying to believe that everything will be okay in the end. it will be me being overwhelmed with all the work i have to do and the driving back and forth and how that will strain us emotionally AND financially. i’m not saying i won’t love it, but i lose sight of the realism of the situation. i lose sight of the truth.

there are some days when it is really hard to sit back and accept this as the true next step. to accept this as the direction i’m supposed to go. as the direction WE are supposed to go. sometimes it’s hard to forget that i’m NOT the one dictating this step, only following it. i’m NOT doing this for selfish ambition to make a million dollars – i’m doing this to help people, to help families, to further the kingdom of God. i’m doing this to utilize the gifts i’ve been given to do whatever i can to make the lives of others better because they’ve come in contact with me. it’s hard to accept that sometimes.

i have a bloggy friend who just went to turkey and realized that it wasn’t the place for her. sometimes i worry that this will be the same thing. i’ll be committed to a program and realize that it’s not for me, but i won’t know until i get there. it’s scary not knowing what the future will bring, especially when i’m not the only one it affects. sometimes i find myself thinking about all those old, ridiculous stereotypes and expectations and i realize that i’m NOT there. i don’t fit. for whatever reason, it stresses me out and i think that somehow i’ll be less good at what i need to do or i won’t be a good mom because i want a career or i’ll be an old lady by the time i start having kids – all of this ridiculous stuff.

i know in my head that everything will work out just the way that it’s supposed to. it’s believing it in my heart that trips me up sometimes.

——–

on a completely unrelated note, i wanted to show you another pair of earrings i got from the sister (view her etsy shop here):

 

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2 thoughts on “looking into my future…

  1. Kayla says:

    I’m kind of the opposite of you. It seems like I am always looking at the “realistic” view of things and constantely fretting about “what if I don’t find a job, what if there comes a time we don’t have enough money to support ourselves, and on and on and on”. And sometimes I think it keeps me from enjoying life. So in some ways maybe it is good that you always think “fantasticly”. 🙂

    As far as living away from James, yes, it will be hard, but you will make it. And you will be awed at what it will do for your relationship. You may have a GREAT relationship now, but after having to live apart for a while, it will be even better and stronger. Trust me…I know all about that! 🙂

    • cari says:

      i figured you WOULD know all about it. and believe me, you’re the person that pops into my mind every time i think about it.

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