stepping back…

i said that i was only going to focus on school until school is over in two weeks. i haven’t QUITE managed to do that. i’ve already looked into another graduate program, jobs, and houses. it is amazingly difficult to let everything else in life just fade for a moment.
i try to read a devotional every morning before i get up. it’s been tough lately to remember that, but i read today’s last night and it really struck me. as usual, it spoke directly to what is going on in my life right now.
——-
I will give your life to you as a prize in all places, wherever you go —Jeremiah 45:5

This is the firm and immovable secret of the Lord to those who trust Him— “I will give your life to you . . . .” What more does a man want than his life? It is the essential thing. “. . . your life . . . as a prize . . .” means that wherever you may go, even if it is into hell, you will come out with your life and nothing can harm it. So many of us are caught up in exhibiting things for others to see, not showing off property and possessions, but our blessings. All these things that we so proudly show have to go. But there is something greater that can never go— the life that “is hidden with Christ in God” (Colossians 3:3).

Are you prepared to let God take you into total oneness with Himself, paying no more attention to what you call the great things of life? Are you prepared to surrender totally and let go? The true test of abandonment or surrender is in refusing to say, “Well, what about this?” Beware of your own ideas and speculations. The moment you allow yourself to think, “What about this?” you show that you have not surrendered and that you do not really trust God. But once you do surrender, you will no longer think about what God is going to do. Abandonment means to refuse yourself the luxury of asking any questions. If you totally abandon yourself to God, He immediately says to you, “I will give your life to you as a prize . . . .” The reason people are tired of life is that God has not given them anything— they have not been given their life “as a prize.” The way to get out of that condition is to abandon yourself to God. And once you do get to the point of total surrender to Him, you will be the most surprised and delighted person on earth. God will have you absolutely, without any limitations, and He will have given you your life. If you are not there, it is either because of disobedience in your life or your refusal to be simple enough.

——-

beware of my own ideas and speculations. that’s exactly what i’ve been doing. trying to ‘fix’ this myself. trying to give myself options instead of just being patient and open. i’m not saying that i shouldn’t prepare for life, but i don’t see the necessity in trying to figure out where we’re going to live, where i’m going to work and where i’m going to go to school in the next week. there is NO reason for that.

i’ve definitely been having a hard time thinking about my volunteering as well. while i definitely do not feel in any way fulfilled by it, i feel bad leaving. i’ve been putting off saying anything because i simply don’t want to. i’m trying to figure out a way to say it that doesn’t seem lame, but pretty much every way i try to reason it, it sounds lame to me. and then there’s the question of HOW? do i email? do i call? do i stop in and chat? i know that these agencies and organizations were running just fine before i got there and will continue to run just fine LONG after i’ve left. i hate feeling like i’ll be letting them down, though. i really need to do it this week, though. just to get it over with.

the other thing i have to remember is that it’s only BEEN a week since i found out i didn’t get into the program. it feels like it’s been SO much longer. it FEELS like it’s been a month or more. we’ve only just figured out what we’re going to do from here – at least in the very short term. we’re just going to LIVE LIFE as it is through may and then go from there. i graduate may 13, run a half marathon the 21st and then we’re going to new york the last week of may. i know, only 3 things, but they’ll keep me busy. and then the rest of the time i can REST. i can RELAX. i can allow myself to REALLY process everything and REALLY work through it and REALLY take my time making decisions. we’re in no hurry for me to start working so i can take the time to see what’s out there and apply only to the places i WANT to work. i don’t have to get some lame mall job to make ends meet. there is incredible freedom in that and i am SO grateful.

how about you? do you have a hard time stepping back?

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a new direction…

i didn’t get into my program that i wanted to. honestly, i’m REALLY surprised. i really thought that i had it in the bag – i thought i interviewed well, i thought i showed i was serious, i thought i would be a really good fit there.

apparently not.

i won’t lie, i’m disappointed. i’m confused. i’m not sure where to go from here. i’m not sure if i’ve been following the right path. i mean, i really feel that i belong in the psychology field, i do, i just suddenly don’t know where. i’m not sure what i’m supposed to be doing. in the immediate future, of course, is finishing up my last three weeks. i’ll be stepping away from my volunteer work to try to clear my schedule and clear my head. then i need to do some soul searching.

then probably job searching.

it’s kinda scary thinking about job searching. it’s something really new and i’m not sure where to start. i don’t know what i’ll be able to do with this degree in my field. there’s something very familiar and safe about being in school. at the same time, a job will definitely bring a sense of permanency to my life. life in school seems so temporary – anything can change at any time. a job opens up a whole new world. the opportunity to look at houses and buy one, to think about getting dogs or having kids. financially, we’d be completely set. we already live on one income, so another can only help us to pay off student loans faster, save for a house faster, give more to church. it’s pretty incredible to think about.

i’m not entirely sure how i feel about it at this moment. a lot of me is still in shock about not getting into the program i wanted. i’m still not sure what it means, if i misread something or misthought something. or maybe everything has happened exactly how it was supposed to and in a few months or maybe even a few years, we’ll look back and be SO thankful that things happened the way they did.

we have an opportunity this summer to lead a small life group for new believers (i think) and we’re going through a series that the whole church went through last year. it’s a series that asks some of the major questions about Christianity. like ‘why should i believe in God’ and some other pretty tough questions with no easy answers. i’m really excited. james is really excited. it should be pretty awesome leading a group together, being able to be a team in that, and being able to open our house to others.

i am excited that i will continue to be able to be in the life groups i started this semester. they have been INCREDIBLE to say the least. i’ve grown SO much as a person and as a Christian in these groups – they are everything i’ve looked for in a group and so much more. a place to be honest, to be accepted, to be corrected. it’s pretty amazing.

this new direction is really scary and full of uncertainty, but then again, so has every step that has led me to where i am today. every step has been uncertain, taken in faith, and followed with my whole heart. and honestly, as scary as it is, i can’t wait to see where it goes and where we end up. i’m sure it will be even more amazing than i could even possibly dream.

the grad school interview…

just as a warning, this got kinda rambly and WAY longer than i thought it would be. and i know i already posted once today, but i’m feeling impatient and didn’t want to wait until tomorrow.

anyway, some of you may be SUPER curious about questions and how i answered. so, for those of you who care – enjoy!

as you may (or may not) know, i interviewed for my #1 school on Friday. here’s kinda how it went down.

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wednesday: packing night, which also equates to trying on approximately 50 different outfits.
james: so what are you supposed to wear?
me: pretty sure the email said business casual.
james: pretty sure or definitely sure?
me: pretty sure, but i’ll double check. *fidget with blackberry only to get frustrated because i’m too dumb to use it* i don’t know, whatever. i’m pretty sure.
james: i’ll check. *finds email in 5.2 seconds* it says business professional.
me: what does THAT mean?
james: it means you have to go shopping tomorrow before you leave for a business suit.
me: by mySELF?!?!
james: i could probably go with you. it wouldn’t be a big deal.
me: you’re not going shopping with me, you have to work. besides, what would you say? hey *boss’s name*, i have to take an extra long lunch to help my wife go shopping?
james: well, when you put it that way…

——-

thursday: the day i suffer through half a school day because i’m SO anxious about shopping. the only girl in the world who gets ANXIOUS about shopping. i decided to not go to my noon class because a) i wouldn’t have paid attention anyway and b) i REALLY needed to get that shopping done. it took me *3 hours* to find a suit. ridiculous! and i ended up buying the first one i found anyway! sometimes, i really hate shopping.

so i left for the cities right around the time i would have left had i had all 3 classes and no shopping to do. fine by me. i get to the cities area just for my friend to call me and tell me that i have to meet her somewhere else because of poor time management on her part. i hate driving in the cities anyway, but i sucked it up and did it anyway. of course, i’m pretty much exhausted because i’ve been anxious all day about shopping and then driving to the cities. not worried about the interview, but pretty much everything else.

we finally get to her house, she feeds me AND i find out that my entire suit is machine wash AND driable. WIN! which means i got to wear clean clothes to my interview. always a bonus.

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friday: INTERVIEW DAY!!!

i made it to the school JUST fine, though i was praying for God to take away my anxiety about driving the whole time anyway. i was in my super sharp business suit, which i had spent an HOUR ironing because it had to be ironed on low heat. *sigh* whatever, it was fine. i looked good and i FELT good. i was among the most professionally dressed. a LOT of people showed up in business casual, so i felt really good about my choice of attire. close toed shoes, pant suit and button down shirt. oh yes, the WHOLE nine yards.

there were 31 interviewees there and 8-10 interviewers. we sat around in a huge circle to begin where we shared our name, something that locates us (which didn’t make sense to me, but i just copied what everyone else was doing – basically where they lived and what they were doing), 3 words that describe us and something we like to do in our spare time.

i shared my name, said i was a student in fargo and didn’t work. my three words were talkative, wife and messy. now, i’m NOT sure those were the best choices of words, but they are true and fine. i said that something i liked to do in my spare time was run. i had debated using ‘runner’ as my third word and saying that what i like to do in my spare time is fill every flat surface in our apartment with my belongings, but went with the first. i think the second option would have a) been funnier and b) not been as negatively connotated as ‘messy’ is. however, too late to change anything now. on the plus side, messy got quite a laugh from people anyway, so i hope that’s good.

after that, we broke up into 6 smaller groups for the interview speed dating part. basically, we as interviewees sat in our circle and the interviewers rotated between groups and asked us one or two questions. i would have to honestly admit that i think i was the strongest interviewee in my group. i didn’t give overly ‘Jesus’ answers and i really made sure to answer the questions that were asked. it seemed that others in my group were answering everything as it related to their faith and how much their faith is a part of their lives and so on. they seemed OVERLY faith-based answers, but people may assume that those are the kind of answers to give at a seminary. and who knows, they could be right. i could have been wrong in my answers that didn’t overtly mention faith where faith wasn’t even part of the question. that’s here nor there, i think, though. i answered true to myself and that’s all i can do.

one of the questions they asked had to do with integration. i don’t remember off the top of my head anymore exactly, but it was a very simple question. i started to answer ‘integration is…’ but realized that i had no idea how to put into words what integration IS. i KNOW the concept, but it’s hard to explain. so i had to change it to ‘integration is demonstrated when you know enough about a subject to be able to apply beyond a textbook situation. it’s the transference from head knowledge to hand knowledge.’ i made up the phrase hand knowledge (i think) but the analogy worked. they understood what i meant.

two people in our group gave LOTS of ‘Jesus’ answers. i don’t know if that’s how they truly live their lives, and if so, good on them! however, i felt that their answers sometimes came off as inauthentic. that they came off as ‘i’m interviewing at a seminary and so i must incorporate the name of Jesus into EVERY answer. i could be totally wrong though.

another was ‘do people change?’ or ‘how do people change?’. something to that effect. my answer was ‘only when forced.’ and i had kinda left it at that because i hadn’t completely thought out my answer. the interviewer, of course, prompted me to continue and explain. so i thought REALLY fast and explained. i have a professor who has told us many times that every person is living their best deal. how they live their life is the best way that they can think of it. if it wasn’t, they would change. so i shared that tidbit and expounded a little more.

the follow-up question to that one was then ‘share a time when you have changed your mind about something that you thought was really important.’ i thought about it through a few other answers and finally i realized that i rarely change my mind. God changes my mind FOR me. of course, i’m open to Him doing so, but that’s more the truth than anything. i also shared that i don’t always have to LIKE it, but as a Christian, it’s my ‘job’ to be obedient to it. otherwise, what am i doing claiming to be a Christian? the interviewer then asked how people respond to that. i said they think i’m crazy. that i’ve lost my mind and then i shared a few specific examples like going back to school when i was totally broke, moving in with my fiance’s grandpa before we got married, and marrying some guy i’ve known for 9 months. people really think you’re crazy when you take the path that God chooses for you because it’s not always a logical path. it’s a faith path. you have to simply step out in faith.

another was ‘how do you deal with criticism?’. i knew this was going to be a hard one because i can get REALLY defensive. i thought about school and how i deal with it there and with james and my friends. i finally settled on it depends on the situation and the activity. if i THINK i’m really good at it or it’s just a leisure activity that i’m not necessarily trying to be REALLY good at, i get defensive. however, in school, where one of the main things is criticism or feedback, i’m much more open to it. professors can criticize me til the cows come home and i’ll probably take it better than james telling me how to play my wow character better and more efficiently.

the follow-up to that was ‘how do you know that the person criticizing cares about you?’ and i answered that with you know by how it’s delivered. obviously, those around you care enough to say something, but in a school situation where you’re just starting to build relationships with professors, you simply have to trust and believe that they have your best interests at heart. otherwise, you’ll never move on and forward in your education. of course, the sensitive person is more likely to know when it’s appropriate to criticize in public and when it needs to be private. in this situation, though, you just have to believe them. you have to trust them.

another was ‘how do you deal with your own anxiety’ and ‘how do you deal with the anxiety of others?’ another one i really liked was ‘how do you deal with stress: like an ostrich, a pack rat, a kangaroo, a whale, or a porcupine?’ the answer to these three questions for me is ‘it depends on the situation’. by process of elimination, i chose a whale because i don’t really employ the other tactics a WHOLE lot, but sometimes i do. and as far as anxiety, i’m really trying to learn how to pray through it, to let it go to God and move on. if you’re always anxious, you have a much harder time moving forward. and dealing with the anxiety of others, it really depends on the person, the relationship, their personality – all sorts of things. you do what you have to that WORKS to help them.

a really good one was ‘how do you deal with a couple where the wife is a Christian and the husband is a Buddhist?’ so my first thought was ‘so what are they there for?’ they may have figured out a way to work out the different faith thing and are in there for something else. so again, my answer was ‘it depends on why they’re in therapy’. my job as a therapist is not to push my ideas and my ideals onto a single client/patient of mine. my job is to help them work through their issues in a way that helps them to live a better, more fulfilling life.

there were two other clinically oriented questions: ‘what population do you want to work with’ and ‘what population would you be most likely to refer to someone else?’ i want to work with couples who have communication difficulties. i want to teach them how to effectively communicate with each other, with other members of their family and work community and everything. it’s too easy to send or hear the wrong message. i’d also like to work with couples who have sexual issues. it’s such a touchy topic and can be a topic with SO much shame associated. i would LOVE to be able to help couples overcome these kinds of issues and be FREE of them. also, think porn. there is SO much in our culture and i wonder how damaging that is to relationships and how much THAT could be contributing to a number of sexual problems. it’s SO hard being in a relationship when you KNOW he’s looking at porn when you’re not around. it creates a LOT of self-esteem and self-worth issues. trust issues. all kinds of things. my heart is so there.

as to the referral question, i HONESTLY couldn’t think of a specific population i would refer. the question was phrased in a way that implied referral because of discomfort with the population. as a therapist, it’s part of my job to be ready to hear anything and to do with anything within my realm of expertise. my ‘best deal’ professor has always stressed this point too: don’t treat someone that you don’t know how to treat. otherwise, be prepared for anything. i know that there MUST be a population out there that i would NOT want to work with, but even now, i can’t think of it. all i could say to answer that was ‘i’d refer anyone i didn’t know how to treat. it was the best i could come up with. i explained the thought my professor had shared as to why i think that way, but admitted that there most likely is a population i don’t want to work with.

the last question i’ll share (as i keep remembering them now) is this one: ‘what role do you think your faith will play in your own therapy, will you explicitly share it and is it important for your clients to know that you are a Christian?’ my first thought? GREAT question! for me, as i mature, i don’t think it’s important that they know beyond a shadow of a doubt that i’m a Christian. at my job that i want, it’s not always appropriate. people can be really put off by Christianity and it can make them VERY uncomfortable. so, in a job where it’s important to have rapport and have the client feel comfortable, why would i choose to potentially alienate them right off the bat? i have no doubt that over the course of  therapy it would come out, but i just don’t think that’s always the appropriate thing to do. it’s not my job to push my values and my ideals onto my clients. ethically, that is SO wrong! of course, the Christian side of me thinks ‘what? are you ashamed?’ i don’t think that’s it either. i think that part of ANYONE’S job is knowing what is appropriate on the job and what isn’t. a reputation as a therapist is EXTREMELY important. you ruin that and your practicing days are OVER. however, i think that my faith will absolutely influence how i treat people who come in, how i view them and how i practice. there is no separating my faith from myself – it’s inherently so much a part of who i am. however, i need to know how to best integrate into my life and my practice. some people i see will inevitably be Christians and we can talk faith and incorporate that into the therapy. i think the important thing is remembering what my job is and what is appropriate in that setting. anywhere else, i can live my faith as loudly as i want to. in the helping profession though, it’s about the client, NOT about me.

overall, i think i did really well and i think i was probably the strongest interviewee in our group. as i mentioned WAY at the beginning, i did my best to answer the question they asked and not try to add in things they didn’t ask. i feel really good about it and i’m trying not to expect TOO much to hear good news, but i’m definitely pretty darn confident about it.

and i will DEFINITELY keep you posted. 🙂

the things they fail to tell you about LONG distance running…

so… it’s no secret, i’m training for a half marathon. and honestly, i am LOVING every second of it. well, every second but the blisters part. i have to run 13 miles in 4 weeks but i keep getting these darn blisters on my long runs and i have to keep cutting those runs short! i don’t have enough time to build up the callouses that i need! gah!!!

which means i may have to rethink something. specifically my shoe choice. i’ve been running with those crazy 5-finger shoes (which i LOVE!), BUT when i get a blister, i pretty much can’t run until they go away because it’s just my foot in the shoe. no socks.

i’m wondering if perhaps purchasing another pair of shoes that i can wear with socks wouldn’t be a really good idea. i just hate the thought of spending yet ANOTHER $100 or so on something. all i’ve done lately is shop (or so it seems)!!! i know that if i just had more time, i could build up those callouses and it really, honestly wouldn’t be a problem. then i could wear my shoes that i really like AND go for those many mile runs that i’m starting to enjoy.

another thing they fail to tell you about LONG distance running is the necessity of proper during-run fueling. okay, that’s a lie. they tell you ALL the time. what they DON’T tell you is how NASTY the power gels are. maybe i should back up a little. power gels are carbs and sugars and whatnot in a glue-like paste that just MIGHT have a little flavor but you can’t really tell because all you can think about is the nasty glue-like feeling stuff in your mouth. however. i have some ANYWAY. and i think they really help. running buddy and i made it almost 7.5 miles yesterday (before i decided i should NOT try to finish our 10 mile run since blisters had been forming for the past, oh… 2 miles or so) and we felt REALLY great! it’s hard to know what REALLY was the cause of it, but i’m pretty sure it was the combination of the powerade and the gels. we also ran our route backward, which means we went through residential areas FIRST and did the long stretches of road last. running through residential sometimes can really be a killer – you can’t QUITE figure out how far you’ve gone and how far to go. running on major roads is WAY easier, you can almost always see your turn, even if it’s 2 miles away. you think you can see it.

anyway, i fell like this has been a little rantastic, so i’ll stop. it just irritates me that i have to slow down what i’m doing because my feet are so tender and soft. darn feet. suck it up!

sometimes i wish…

i know that i would never want to ACTUALLY change anything in my life because it’s the life i’ve lived that has gotten me to where i am today, but there are definitely things that i wish were different and had happened differently, specifically in my education.

i attend minnesota state university moorhead. it’s a pretty good school with good faculty and the whole nine yards. it’s been a good place to go to school for six years (minus the business office, but i promise, i won’t go there). however, there are things about attending msu that simply have to be accepted.

1) it does NOT have the clout in the area that concordia (the private school across the cemetery) has. PRETTY much if you walk into an interview with that concordia ring on your finger, you’ve got a one-up on LOTS of people. they take you a little more seriously and chances are much better for you to get a job.

2) i don’t think that msu pushes their students like concordia does. i had a couple concordia friends who i never saw because they were ALWAYS studying. part of me now wishes that i had been pushed like that in my education. that i had to work really hard for my education and for my grades. that i actually would LEARN a lot.

3) msu students do not take the pride in their school as much as either of the other two college/universities in the area. i mean, there’s a little bit of it because you’re kinda taught to hate the other schools, but it’s not the kind of pride that inspires buying rings or having a wardrobe comprised of all ndsu bison apparel.

a few things have precipitated this vein of thought in me.

first, in band right now, we have student conductors. and they (for the most part) are terrible. don’t get me wrong, i understand that they are nervous and that they don’t really know what they are doing. i get that. however, i don’t believe that most of them are working very hard TO know what they are doing. we give them feedback after EVERY time they conduct and things don’t change. they don’t improve. some even give excuses as to why they are terrible, which, quite frankly we don’t care about. we don’t care WHY you’re doing what you’re doing, but we don’t like it and it’s bad conducting and therefore, we sound bad. it is really amazing how much the conductor influences the sound of the ensemble they are conducting. these students are terrified up there, understandably, but we SENSE it, we SEE it and therefore, we PLAY like it. i’ve said it to EVERY conductor: you have to practice, find a recording, get what it’s supposed to sound like in your head so that when you come to class, you KNOW what we’re supposed to sound like and you can fix it when we DON’T sound like it. there are SO many times when we, as the band, completely trainwreck and they’re just waving away. it’s like… NOBODY knows where you are, half the band is on one beat and half is one another beat (of the ones that are still playing). it would just be nice if all the students were putting in the time to do what they need to do.

of course, most of these students have at least one job, which i KNOW interferes with school. sometimes i wish life was the old days where people who were in school KNEW that school was their main job and anything else was secondary for that period of time. i once had three jobs while trying to go to school. i know that something has to give and it certainly isn’t going to be the almighty dollar! i can’t express ENOUGH how thankful i am that i DON’T have to work (marrying rich works!!) and that i can focus on school as much as i need to to do the absolute best work that i can. it’s not about the grade for me, it truly is about the quality of my work. naturally, if my work is of high quality, a high grade will follow. i want to be a student who is known for working really hard and consistently turning in high quality work. i want my professors to realize that it’s more important to me to actually learn the material and to present high quality material than to get an A.

one of my professors, who’s 60ish, was talking to my clinical psych class about our inability to get an A on any test thus far. i found it really interesting that most people blamed it on the book. i think that it’s a combination of factors. 1) yes, the book is VERY dense, there is no color, no pictures, not like pretty much any other text we’ve ever had. also, it’s about 6 years old, so it’s getting a little dated. 2) we obviously are NOT putting the time in to study as much as we need to. i studied SO much harder for this latest test (which hopefully we get the results back today) than i did for either of the two previous tests. i studied for this test the way i’ve studied for the past year and a half. my method of studying really works for me and i hope that it pays off this time. i know i haven’t been working as hard as i should have been. 3) i think that overall, we have a pretty unmotivated class. i don’t know many of the students well, but simply by observing their classroom behavior, i can see that some people just don’t care and so they don’t try.

as a result of our in-class discussion, the professor decided that he will get a new book for the next class. i thought it was really cool that he had that discussion with us, but sometimes i think it’s really hard for him to relate to our generation. the generation of everything being about us and directed and geared toward us and facebook and social media in general. i think he’s finally so far removed from the generation that i’m not entirely sure that he can continue in education much longer. of course, he’s planning on retiring soon. i think it’s good. don’t get me wrong, i think he’s a great professor. he is the epitome of the arrogant professor who works people to death and doesn’t REALLY care a whole lot about his students. there are those he does and they become his research assistants and then he gets to interact with them on his own terms and everything. he’s just a really arrogant guy, but i like him as a professor. he doesn’t baby us. he’s one that i probably would have enjoyed working with on research because i’m at that point in my student life where i want to be pushed and he PUSHES. a classmate of mine does research and she’s complained pretty much all year about it because he works her really hard. he’s a firm believer in working really hard and making school our #1 priority.

i wish professors were more like that. i like our psych department, but not all of them push that hard. of course, they’re fighting against a time where school isn’t as important as work or friends or partying and if there are too many low grades in the department, things can go awry.

sometimes i wish that our society would get our priorities straight. i wish that we would see things that are truly important as important  and recognize that which isn’t very important and treat it accordingly. then again, if it was like that, i wouldn’t be in america.

shorties…

i was walking to school today from where we park our car and OH MAN! were the birds singing SUPER loudly. it just made me smile. i LOVE spring. it also got me to thinking about life (because i can be pretty deep sometimes) and how amazing it is that spring can happen ANYTIME in our lives when we have God in our lives. no matter how deep and cold and dead winter was in our hearts and minds yesterday, today can be the beginning of spring. it’s a pretty incredible thought.

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i’ve noticed lately that i can be pretty critical and negative – saying things about people that i would NEVER say to their faces, but i have no problem saying them to other people. i’ve vowed to really try to change that. SSOO instead of saying something negative, i want to stop, take a moment, PRAY about the situation, and then move on without saying anything negative. i really want to try to be MUCH more positive in my words and in my thoughts.

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something else i’ve noticed, and this is through my bible studies, is that i may have an issue with this little thing called pride. or, at least i THOUGHT i did until last night. someone in my bible study mentioned that he has little confidence in himself and his wife disagreed with him, which prompted him to say ‘i was successful because i was so afraid of failure’. that’s one of those statements that makes me go ‘huh’. do i REALLY have an issue with pride or is it an issue of lack of self-confidence and total fear of failure that drives me to be as successful in everything i do and to put on a mask of pride? it’s amazing how attitudes can very logically be sorted through and interpreted two different ways. the question is, which was is the CORRECT interpretation?

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i have kind of decided that i (AGAIN!) need to go shopping. this time for capris, shorts and skirts. i only have 2 pair of capris and 2 skirts. i mean, seriously?! how will i get through spring with only 4 options?! so i guess we’ll have to see what the budget has to say about such purchases, but man oh man, is it hard for me to go through spring in pants. and really, these gorgeous legs need to BREATHE!!

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school is wrapping up. there are only 6 weeks left and it seems like there is not much to do, but that not much is actually going to be pretty hard work. *sigh* i have a 10-ish page research paper to do, my research project to finish up and make into a powerpoint for a 20 min. presentation, 2 tests in the class where NO ONE has gotten an A on a test YET, and probably one more final paper. i mean, it’s not much, but wow, does it seem time consuming. especially when i am very quickly losing my motivation due to graduationitis.

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i’m having a ladies night IN! in a few weeks and i am SO excited about it! i am going to get to hang out with a bunch of awesome ladies, drink wine or something, watch some sassy/ridiculous movies, chat chat chat and just have a really good time. i miss socializing with my friends.

so what’s new with you?

on starting to see results…

so, a while ago, i talked about working out. i talked about how great it is to have my own personal measurement device to tell me how much progress i’m making – and that device isn’t a scale or a measuring tape. it’s my husband. coming back to you now?

anyway.

i’ve been continuing to train, more so now that i’m not sick and on the verge of death. that sick thing can really hamper a girl’s training.

anyway, again (sorry… feeling rambly today).

i was working out this morning, as per my training plan. it told me that i needed to do strength work today, of which i did a fair amount. i find that after about an hour in the gym, i’m so bored that it’s REALLY just time to leave. so i was putting in my hour, i was doing a bunch of stuff with free weights in front of the floor to ceiling, wall to wall mirrors (it’s either that or facing people on machines – yeah, picking the lesser of two evils). as i working out, i realized that i’m ACTUALLY starting to look different. like, my legs are more toned and thinner, my calves are kinda starting to have definition – you know, more than ‘i run a bit’ definition. i also noticed that i have a pretty darn flat stomach.

WHEN THE HECK DID THAT HAPPEN?!

i have to admit, that’s pretty awesome. i’d kinda been noticing it upon getting dressed or undressed that the profile was a little smaller and that i could kinda see definition in the abdominal area, but it hadn’t really sunk in how much i have changed. the weight hasn’t moved much, which i fully expected, but it probably will as james and i really start making a concerted effort to eat a little less and eat a little healthier. mostly just to eat less, eat smaller portions. i’ve kinda been eating less throughout the day anyway, packing lunch and not wanting to spend money on overpriced campus food – but now we’ve been incorporating fruit into (at least my) lunch DAILY and just eating (slightly) more wholesome food.

i can’t lie, we’re never going to be health food fanatics. and why is that you ask? because that guy i’m married to can GRILL. him just firing up the grill, just THINKING about him firing it up makes my whole mouth water. yeah, we are NOT giving up grilling. however, i do believe that we can do quite a bit to curb the volume of food that we eat. we’re not calorie counters (nor do i EVER want to be) and we don’t believe in cutting out entire classes of food to lose weight.

i think that this a good turn for us, to start being more aware and more conscious of what and how much we eat. plus, i also learned on sunday at church that the kind of food you regularly feed your body is the kind of food it starts to crave after a while. so… if we regularly feed our bodies SOME healthy stuff and train it to need smaller portions, i think this thing could really work.

so here’s to health, happiness, a long life and still getting to eat delicious-but-really-bad-for-you food!